Raising Cain - and Abel

A copernican revolution - realising that the universe doesn't revolve around you - can be a real blow to the ego. Kings don't like to be dethroned. Nobody likes to be displaced from their perch in the pecking order. So it's only to be expected that conflict often arises when a firstborn's position as primary attention-soaker in the family is usurped by a second-born. Sibling rivalry is the result - and it can last for years. Judy Dunn's research at Cambridge University has shown that a mother's behaviour after a new baby's birth can be a factor in determining the presence and intensity of rivalry. She and her colleagues recommend that parents involve the older child in caring for the new arrival.

In families where "mothers discussed caring for the baby as a matter of joint responsibility and talked about the baby as a person from the early days, the siblings were particularly friendly over the next year", she says.

Dunn's research shows that when poor behaviour manifests itself it tends to be directed against the mother, and usually happens when the mother is giving the new-born her full attention. Moreover, opposite-sex siblings tend to have more fraught relationships, while the firstborn's temperament can also increase tension.

Elizabeth Quinn, co-ordinator of the National Association for Parent Support (NAPS) says that the arrival of a third child can also be difficult for the second child. The first-born retains its place as eldest - in fact it cannot be displaced - but the second "had its place then lost it".

"Middle children have to fight harder to make a place for themselves," Quinn says. If there's a big gap, she adds, it's much worse for the middle child: the new-born will be suddenly swamped with love and affection and the middle child "feels the cold winds of that". There is a danger, she warns, of older children hurting an infant under the guise of being good. They know they're doing something wrong - "they want to remove the intruder". They'll also fidget or do outlandish things in order to call attention to themselves, but "they'll find it's not worth being bold if they don't get the attention".

John Sharry, a social worker in a child and family clinic in Dublin, says parents can feel overwhelmed by sibling rivalry or "feel there's something wrong with them. There isn't." He suggests that the arrival of a new-born child is hardest of all if the next youngest is aged two-and-ahalf to three. He says it's important for the parents to accept a child's feelings of rivalry. "You need to let him know that it's okay to feel jealous". The child needs to learn to accept uncomfortable feelings and discover how to deal with them: it's okay to feel jealous, but not okay to kick his baby brother. Parents, he says, should protect toddlers from situations where they can act out their jealousy - for example, leaving a three-year-old alone with a younger sibling.

"You're setting them up," he warns. "Don't leave them alone together at all." Parents can believe he loves his little brother or sister, "but he's quite angry too".

Rivalry can result if children feel inadequate compared to another child. He urges parents to "love uniquely rather than equally. Help the child identify what they're good at uniquely. Don't make comparisons. Don't say: `Your sister would never say that.' "It's better to help them identify what they can do right and what you like about them so they don't need to feel resentful anymore. They can all be happy and successful together, with everyone celebrated."

Geraldine French, training officer with Barnardo's in Dublin, says while each child wants the exclusive love of the parents, another child automatically means less time for each.

This can be a positive thing, she says. "It helps them become tougher. They learn to assert themselves and hopefully also to compromise. Sometimes siblings aren't temperamentally compatible. We all meet people in life whom we don't like, but you have to learn to compromise and negotiate."

Children have to know that they're being listened to or any rivalry will get worse, French says. However, she adds, "we tend to intervene but often don't get the full picture. Acknowledge they're both feeling angry with one another. Tell them you're confident they can work it out." The only time you must intervene, she says, is when it's dangerous - when they're going to hurt each other physically. She suggests parents buy things the children must share, and teach children to play games where they have to follow rules and learn that taking turns is important.

"When they are getting on, well encourage them - `Isn't that great?' Notice it." She urges parents to emphasise fairness and to explain why some children are not treated equally. e.g. "he's older". Don't just assume they can work it out.