In my life

Podge & Rodge, Chatshow hosts

Where did you go to school?

Podge: We went to the School of Hard Knocks, no, that's the actual name of the school here in Ballydung.

Rodge: It was like Guantanamo for six-year-olds. Except the uniform wasn't as nice.

What was your best subject?

Podge: I was always a great man for the classics; such as Advanced Bear Trapping and Torture 101.

Rodge: I was in the "slow boys". I can count to five! And I got a B+ for picking up the litter in the playground.

Who was your favourite teacher and why?

Podge: Mrs Dominina, who taught 'Pain and Pleasure'.

Rodge: Cathy and Claire, from Jackie magazine. Most Irish kids years ago, learnt everything they know about sex from them.

Who was your childhood idol?

Rodge: I always looked up to Podge.

Podge: Sadam Hussein, Pol Pot, Charlie Haughey . . . All the great dictators.

Who was your best friend and why?

Podge: I was always too bright for other children. They'd always be annoying me with their whining and whinging and pissing in their pants. Mind you, Rodge is still doing that 50 years later.

Rodge: There were a couple of dogs who used to hang around the back doors of the abattoir. They were great craic altogether.

What is he/she doing now?

Rodge: They hung around too long and ended up in the abattoir. I don't really want to talk about it.

Podge: I don't care about anyone from my schooldays.

What TV show/film most reminds you of your schooldays?

Podge: Natural Born Killers.

Rodge: Apocalypse Now.

What song most reminds you of your schooldays?

Rodge: The Candy Store - Dickie Rock.

Podge: Folsom Prison Blues - Johnny Cash.

What food most reminds you of your schooldays?

Rodge: You know when you leave a cup of tea with a bit left in it for months without washing it? That reminds me of schoolday food.

Podge: Scrambled egg floating on a sea of brine!

Who did you take to your debs?

Rodge: Sadie, the boner's daughter from the abattoir. She smelt of meat!

Podge: Miss Dominina.

Would you send your children to the same school you went to?

Rodge: Probably not a good idea as it's now a prison.

Podge: Educating children is a waste of time and money. Bloody students with their gap years. If I ever had any I'd put them straight to work making trainers and furniture.

What was the best thing about your education?

Podge: Coming up with cruel nicknames for pupils and teachers. I should have got an A for that.

Rodge: Having real toilet paper.

What was the worst thing about your education?

Rodge: Playtime wedgies.

Podge: Spending 10 years in a sweaty classroom and not learning a damn thing.