Attitude change begins when we wake up to the Nineties

Religion Teachers, school chaplains and teachers involved in relationship and sexuality education have particular difficulties with the dual standards that are widely accepted and seldom openly discussed in Ireland. There is no denying that attitudes to sexual morality have changed radically. It is not simply hypocritical, it may even be life-threatening to ignore these changes. Some parents are strongly in favour of RSE programmes that are faithful to the traditional core values and ethos of Catholic schools. They believe pre-marital sex should be condemned because it is sinful and against the law of God.

I believe the majority of parents and teachers agree that it is necessary to discourage teenagers from premature sexual activity. However, few would condone doing so with language that is judgmental and could give offence to students who do not come from married, two-parent families. Are traditional values disappearing as single, separated and blended families become more common? Are they grounded in the religious and cultural practices of the 1950s, when virginity was prized and sex was expected to be saved for marriage?

Were they not the values that allowed the stigma of being unmarried mothers bring disgrace on girls - while the men who fathered their babies were forgiven for sowing their wild oats?

What happened to traditional values during the sexual revolution and "love-ins" of the 1960s? By the time contraception became readily available in the 1970s, the concept of saving sex for marriage was challenged and the value of both virginity and celibacy were questioned. For some people, marriage was seen more as a social than a sacramental institution. In the 1980s the publicity about AIDS alerted people to the widespread changes in sexual behaviour that had occurred in society. Advertisements warned of the dangers of contracting a fatal illness that was sexually transmitted.

Campaigns for "safe sex" alerted the public to the practices of sexually active people who were at risk. The AIDS awareness campaign confirmed what had long been known but was rarely publicly admitted: not alone were young people sexually active, some engaged in serial monogamy. That is, while in a relationship they were faithful to a partner, but when the relationship ended they were intimate with another partner.

For the first time, it was publicly recognised that extramarital sex was not uncommon. The changes that must be acknowledged as we approach the millennium are that young people are reaching puberty earlier; many are sexually active within a loving, unmarried relationship; about 60 per cent will cohabit; and a significant number will have multiple sexual partners. There is a great deal of confusion about what traditional values are. Values are the rules we live by, and these change as attitudes change.

The truth is that the traditional values that were once appropriate are considered outdated and unhelpful by many today. Young people model themselves on what their parents practise rather than on what they preach. They mirror the beliefs and values - or lack of values - of the adults in our society. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that adolescents from single-parent families are more likely to become sexually active earlier than their counterparts from two-parent families. This may be due to less parental supervision; it may also be because the sexual behaviour of single parents who are dating has a role model effect.

More than a quarter of teenagers aged 16 to 18 who are sexually active have had three or more partners according to a study done in the Midland Health Board area in 1996. Cork AIDS Alliance, in a 1997 study, found that in the 21 to 24 age group 45 per cent of sexually active men and 30 per cent of sexually active women surveyed had been with six or more partners. Whether we like to admit it or not, traditional values are lost to this generation of young people. If we want to educate them to make healthy decisions about their sexual behaviour, our one hope is to listen and, by reflecting back what is heard, challenge them to think about the long-term consequences of behaviour they find acceptable.

Effective RSE programmes must teach the communication skills that give them the opportunity to discuss sexual issues that are relevant to their own life experiences. This will not be easy for teachers who feel it is their duty to condemn or forbid premarital sex.

Later this year I will show how effective good listening can be as a way of changing attitudes.