The Irish Abroad - (RTE1, Friday)
The Den - (N2, Tuesday)
These days, there seems to be as many programmes and books about the Irish abroad as there are Irish abroad. The latest series about the diaspora was an impressive testimonial to the people who are only marginally less Irish than the Irish themselves. It was full of mind-boggling facts. Did you know, for instance, that every Belgian is really Irish? That Riverdance attracted 5,000 people to a show in Grozny despite the fact that the city was under a fierce bomb, rocket and mortar attack from Russian forces? (Most of whom, along with the local inhabitants, according to the programme, would have shared a common Irish ethnic background).
We were also informed that Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao Tse Tung and even Terry Wogan all claimed Irish roots. Dan Mulcahy, head of Irish Studies at the University of Melbourne, made the point that if one was to gather together everybody on the planet of Irish descent and get them to stand on each other's shoulders, the resulting human pyramid would reach Jupiter.
Yes, said interviewer Ultan Quigley, but surely such a stunt would be highly dangerous? Mulcahy argued that it would be dangerous, but not impossible. He said that within five years, the technology would be there to make the project feasible, and that the man currently developing the technology was himself Irish: Prof Liam Cahill of the University of Auckland. Also, he objected to the enterprise being called a stunt - it was more accurate to call it a harebrained scheme.
It was quite obvious at this stage that Dr Mulcahy was being interviewed in some kind of mental health unit, and that he had been there for some time. When he started involuntarily foaming from the mouth, a doctor, Sean Foylan, another Irish immigrant, intervened and wrestled him to the floor. This was the more unsavoury sight of the Irish abroad, as we witnessed a stark illustration of their proneness to mental illness, alcoholism and brawling.
Quigley then visited an Irish community who lived thousands of miles underground near the Earth's core. These people's ancestors had survived the catastrophic meteor explosion thousands of years ago that destroyed the dinosaurs. But the Irish were a hardier lot. They had been living in Donabate at the time, and had seen the meteor on the horizon hurtling towards the Earth.
According to Mick Kinnane, one of their modern-day descendants, they just started digging. For thousands of years, they lived on little more than leaves and fossils in an environment without any light, but kept their culture alive through music, folklore and games. In 1997, they entered a contestant for the Rose of Tralee contest for the first time. (Bug-eyed, deathly pale, and with no personality to speak of, the unfortunate girl failed to make it past the preliminary stages).
In California, the ingenuity of the Irish was illustrated by the magnificent Golden Gate bridge, which was constructed by Irish labourers entirely from Guinness bottle-tops over the course of three days. (They also managed to do this while recovering from that curse of the Irish, the massive hangover).
The current mayor of San Francisco, Uinseen O'Suibhealoibhn, despite having no Irish ancestry that he was aware of, was quick to salute the hard-working Irish. Quite simply, if it wasn't for the Irish, Ireland would have been a very different place, he said. He also sees a great future ahead. There's no reason why Irish people can't colonise other planets with the same distinction that characterises their contribution to countries all over the Earth. The success of Colm Meaney in Star Trek The Next Generation is proof of this.
People say to me that there's no air on other planets; they wouldn't be able to breathe, but of course, the Irish have overcome much greater obstacles than this and have prospered greatly. This is an opinion not shared by Dermot Wilmot, professor of Emigrant Studies at UCD. Irish emigrants have certainly encountered their fair share of prejudice and discrimination, especially in the UK, but it's always been the case that they've been able to breathe. Unless of course, they've been deliberately choked to death. Coincidentally, this topic featured in another documentary on TV3 on Thursday: The Irish Who Have Been Deliberately Choked To Death. It's a grim, and surprisingly long, list and I shall give the programme a lengthier review here shortly.
Garret FitzGerald was an unlikely choice to present The Den on Network 2, and it was no surprise to see him replaced this week by Ray Burke. The ex-minister makes no secret of the fact that he wants to turn The Den into a late-night, political discussion programme, and that the type of buffoonery associated with the likes of Dustin the Turkey will have to go.
It will, however, be a gradual process. The programme will be put back by an interval of five minutes every day until it finally arrives at its 10.30 p.m. slot on RTE 1. Burke is less clear about how the programme will gradually change channels from Network 2 to RTE 1. It will be done digitally, said the man from the RTE press office, when my partner, the nationalist poet, Orla Ni Suibh, rang up to make an angry, drunken, foul-mouthed complaint. How I put up with her I just don't know.
Arthur Mathews is co-writer of Father Ted
The real TV review is on Weekend 10