What's your earliest holiday memory?I remember being entranced on seeing our neighbours – who were a little posher than us – colouring the lights on their car yellow for going to France. We went to Spain in the early 1980s and one day my parents had wine in the restaurant and gave it watered down to the kids. My brother refused as he had just taken the pledge. He got such a slagging, but has since made up for any lack of alcohol.
What was your worst holiday?I went to Thailand on a comedy tour and it was brilliant craic except I ended up in hospital with a bug. I never believed there was such a thing as explosive diarrhoea before it propelled me off my toilet seat; food, drink, marbles I swallowed as a child, football stickers from Italia 1990 came out during 48 hours of delirium.
What was your best holiday?Israel, Palestine and Jordan in May 2010. It was amazing to see the history. We decided to go to Israel in a taxi and were stopped at a checkpoint by a Jordanian soldier. If you don't speak Arabic it sounds like a threatening language. He asked where we were from. I said Ireland. Then he pointed his gun at me, said "Ha, ha, ha, Thierry Henry" and made a ball gesture with his palm. I went from trepidation, to immense relief to being annoyed that a man who doesn't speak English was slagging me about that.
If budget or work were not a restriction, what would be your dream holiday?I'd take a year off and travel the world using festivals, starting with Hogmanay in Edinburgh, Mardi Gras in New Orleans, running of the bulls in Pamplona, the Edinburgh Comedy Festival, Poland for Euro 2012, the London Olympics and carnival in Rio.
If you had your pick, who would you bring on holiday with you?Aside from family and friends, Stephen Fry, as I can't imagine him making anything boring. He'd go to the biggest kip of a B&B in rural Ireland and charm the old biddy at breakfast for a free glass of orange juice. Also Jesus. If the ferry to a Greek island broke, he would give you a jockey across the water.
What's your favourite place in Ireland?Kilkenny because of its association in my head with the comedy festival. It has so much else going on and is a great inland town and, as someone from a landlocked county, I think the seaside towns take all the glory with their flashy coastlines and waves.
Your recommended holiday reading?Something trashy and not mind-broadening, like Lee Child's Jack Reacher novels. I also bring books I should have read like The Grapes of Wrathbut it just takes up weight in my bag as I never read it but it makes me feel better.
Where will you go to next?I'd love to go to Cuba for two reasons – Fidel and Raul Castro. I'd like to go before the two boys die and Cuba changes.
Neil Delamere’s DVD
Implement of Divilment
is out now. He is currently on tour, see neildelamere.com