Shane Hegarty's encyclopaedia of modern Ireland
Ireland is extremely expensive to live in. It always was; it's just that now we have the money to notice. Indeed, it is a fortunate coincidence that we also have such high wages; otherwise we'd be forced to make do with the basics. Such as Lidl olives. Or Euro Shopper saffron.
Our country is now Scandinavian in its costliness. Has anybody ever investigated the strange economic phenomenon by which the world becomes dearer the further north you travel? Africa: dirt cheap. Spain: cheap. Ireland: dear. Finland: dearer. Costs go up as the traveller goes up. A night on the beer must be murderously expensive for Santa.
We have finally put a name on our frustration with rip-offs: it is Hobbsian. (And anyone who uses the phrase "nasty, brutish and short" in connection with Eddie will likely receive a letter from a competitively priced solicitor.)
We are angered by the impact of shameless profiteering. The high price of alcohol threatens to destroy our binge-drinking culture. Were it not for the high price of cars we would be able to drive next year's models of SUVs instead of having to slum it in 05s. Were it not for the high price of restaurants we would be able to have takeaways more often, instead of just Saturday nights and every second Friday. Restaurants, of course, are notorious offenders. That the restaurant industry appears to be one of the riskiest in the country, with establishments failing every week, is proof only of how brilliant their rip-off tactic is. We will not be fooled.
That we are being ripped off is now so ingrained in our self-perception that it may be difficult to shake it off. It has become a mantra. Rip-off Ireland. Rip-off Republic. We should put it on our passports. Tourists already presume it's the official name of the country, given that the locals are constantly telling them about it. At what precise point will we be satisfied that Ireland is no longer a rip-off? Not until the economy reverts to barter, perhaps. Even then we'll have our gripes. "You want how many bushels of wheat for a Mercedes M-Class?"
Perhaps our dissatisfaction reflects a subconscious guilt about our rampant consumerism. We want to spend our money, but we are disgusted that everyone from shopkeepers to the Government wants to take it from us. Although, given that so much of the country now works in the construction, tourism, retail, insurance, banking, service and hospitality industries, it's amazing that there's anyone left who isn't ripping off someone else. Still, we have to blame someone. And we have decided that this problem is largely due to the Government's insatiable need to mug us of all our hard-earned cash, to screw us for every penny. And we will continue to assert this until the Government gives us our SSIA money.