Ross O'Carroll Kelly | Paul Howard

‘A chill goes through my body as I notice her – get this – kissing an actual boy’

August 18, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor lasted the course in the Gaeltacht – and that’s suspicious

I decide that it’s time to clear the gorden. And there’s only way to do it. I look at my phone and I go, “Oh my God, Honor’s coming home!”

‘There’s a lot of Oh! My! God!s – even by normal South Dublin standards’

August 11, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: While Honor’s away, the guests will play

‘You cried once when Elaine Crowley was on holidays and someone else was presenting Midday’

August 4, 2018

Honor’s off to Irish college somewhere called Tralee – I’m really going to miss the little wagon

‘Tag rugby is, like, speed dating for South Dublin people’

July 28, 2018

Time for the Rossmeister to show this LinkedIn team what actual rugby is

“I’m not guilt-tripping you,” I tell Sorcha. “I’m just pointing out that this is the latest you’ve been home since you storted in LinkedIn.”

‘I’m reminded of an old rugby saying of mine: never be afraid to let the opposition see your abs’

July 21, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: One by one, I open the buttons of my shirt. Then, I stort unloading the dishwashing, making sure to let him see The Six

'I’ll get you some money in a minute, whatever you’re called. First, I need to weigh you.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

‘The hosepipe ban isn’t for People Like Us. The fine is only €125’

July 14, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: God, Fionnuala has tipped waiters that for a good Martini

'Honor is taking the whole thing in her stride. She goes, 'I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I won’t be going anywhere with them tomorrow.''

‘I considered driving over a cliff just so I wouldn’t have to hear their focking voices’

July 7, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Tempers fray as the family are landed with some cling-ons

‘Leo shouts “This is focking bullshit!” and he’s not wrong – 2½ years old or not’

June 30, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The family is flying to the south of France. It hasn’t started well

‘I’m morking the 20th anniversary of failing my test for the first time’

June 23, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I set off for the driving test centre confident it would be 17th time lucky

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I know I’m a terrible father”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Unless it’s escaped your attention, I’m a terrible father’

June 16, 2018

Sorcha’s decided to go back to work, and wants me to stay home to look after the kids

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Sorcha, please. I genuinely don’t think I can do this. I’ll find another job. I could give the Leinster Branch a ring”

‘Are you saying you want me to be one of those stay-in-bed fathers?’

June 9, 2018

While this conversation is happening, I should mention, the triplets are running amok

'Can I just stop you, Dave? There’s no point in trying to teach me stuff, because I’m as thick as that wall there. It’s 10 seconds of your life that you’re never going to get back.'

‘I’m the best estate agent you have – and that’s not me being big-headed’

June 2, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s time to learn some crucial differences between GDPR and CPR

‘If she’s never met a brat like Honor before, she mustn’t be from around here’

May 26, 2018

There has to be a consequence for ruining Sorcha’s royal wedding porty, hasn’t there?

‘Johnny Sexton was basically saying I’m Leinster and Ireland’s unsung hero’

May 19, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: So I’m lying on the floor in Bilbao airport – in shock

‘Ross, Munster isn’t an ethnicity.’ ‘What about Limerick?’ ‘Limerick isn’t either’

May 12, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: In fact my ancestors – brace yourselves, goys – are from Munster

‘Priced out of Killiney? That’s what you get for choosing an orts degree!’

May 5, 2018

Ross has done a whole series of advertisements for the ‘Irish Times’ property section

‘Kielys of Donnybrook could be lost forever. Or, worse, turned into a hipster café’

April 28, 2018

Surely Ross can come up with a plan to save a little bit of southside heritage

‘I’m not posting bail for Conor McGregor. That focker can use his own money’

April 14, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Ronan wants to go to New York and hab a woord with his heerdo

‘People need to realise ‘Room to Improve’ is just a TV show. It’s not reality’

April 7, 2018

Ross realises that Dermot Bannon has warped the minds of his customers

‘I’ve chosen Vladimir for my Confirmation name. After Vladimir Putin’

March 31, 2018

Sorcha ends up totally losing it with her: ‘You will not stort using it all the time’

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