Ross O'Carroll Kelly | Paul Howard

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I know I’m a terrible father”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Unless it’s escaped your attention, I’m a terrible father’

June 16, 2018

Sorcha’s decided to go back to work, and wants me to stay home to look after the kids

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Sorcha, please. I genuinely don’t think I can do this. I’ll find another job. I could give the Leinster Branch a ring”

‘Are you saying you want me to be one of those stay-in-bed fathers?’

June 9, 2018

While this conversation is happening, I should mention, the triplets are running amok

'Can I just stop you, Dave? There’s no point in trying to teach me stuff, because I’m as thick as that wall there. It’s 10 seconds of your life that you’re never going to get back.'

‘I’m the best estate agent you have – and that’s not me being big-headed’

June 2, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s time to learn some crucial differences between GDPR and CPR

‘If she’s never met a brat like Honor before, she mustn’t be from around here’

May 26, 2018

There has to be a consequence for ruining Sorcha’s royal wedding porty, hasn’t there?

‘Johnny Sexton was basically saying I’m Leinster and Ireland’s unsung hero’

May 19, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: So I’m lying on the floor in Bilbao airport – in shock

‘Ross, Munster isn’t an ethnicity.’ ‘What about Limerick?’ ‘Limerick isn’t either’

May 12, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: In fact my ancestors – brace yourselves, goys – are from Munster

‘Priced out of Killiney? That’s what you get for choosing an orts degree!’

May 5, 2018

Ross has done a whole series of advertisements for the ‘Irish Times’ property section

‘Kielys of Donnybrook could be lost forever. Or, worse, turned into a hipster café’

April 28, 2018

Surely Ross can come up with a plan to save a little bit of southside heritage

‘I’m not posting bail for Conor McGregor. That focker can use his own money’

April 14, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Ronan wants to go to New York and hab a woord with his heerdo

‘People need to realise ‘Room to Improve’ is just a TV show. It’s not reality’

April 7, 2018

Ross realises that Dermot Bannon has warped the minds of his customers

‘I’ve chosen Vladimir for my Confirmation name. After Vladimir Putin’

March 31, 2018

Sorcha ends up totally losing it with her: ‘You will not stort using it all the time’

‘Instagramming your food will result in you being violently removed from the premises’

March 24, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Rude restaurants – in Ranelagh – are back and the family has a booking

She stops laughing and touches her cheek, then stares at her wet fingers like she’s seeing a miracle.

‘Bouncy castles attract undesirables. They’re not for People Like Us’

March 17, 2018

Just when Ross thought there were no more tears, the floodgates open in Bucharest

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Find another sucker – Mother’s Day or not’

March 10, 2018

Ireland are playing Scotland, but I know my old dear well enough to know when I’m being blackmailed

‘You had three beautiful children, Sorcha. Plus Honor’

March 3, 2018

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The Mount Anville past pupils breakfast is like LinkedIn with egg-white omelettes

I hear the first tap on the window. There’s a young goy standing there with his mates – they’re, like, 16 or 17 years old. “Dude!” he goes, spreading his orms wide. “What? The actual? Fock?”

‘Rugby is no longer a guarantee of anything’

February 24, 2018

Grab It, Trouser It and Leg It: a proper name for an estate agent

February 17, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The agency is now rebanding and our Ross doesn’t like it at all

‘All these years, I’ve taken the rap for being the unfaithful one’

February 10, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s digging her way through a landfill of old memories

'Sorcha – in common with hundreds of thousands of others – hasn’t figured out yet that Honor is using her YouTube channel to test the bounds of women’s gullibility.'

The Gord goes: ‘Do you ever inquire as to what your daughter gets up to online?’

February 3, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’d better look at the video she posted three days ago’

‘We’re from South Dublin – none of us want to work for anything’

January 27, 2018

Honor is rude to randomers on Grafton Street – and Ross has never been so proud

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