Ross O'Carroll Kelly | Paul Howard

“She’s 12, Sorcha. What she gets up to is her own business.”

‘Ross, you need to come and see what I found in Honor’s room’

September 16, 2017

‘There could be anything in there: a gun, €100k in cash, one of her teachers gagged’

Out of the corner of her mouth, she goes, “I will never, ever forgive you for this, Ross.”

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: 'Her breath could put a hole in Jon Snow's wall'

September 9, 2017

The old dear is absolutely bulling over the surprise 70th birthday party I threw her

“It’s an old rugby injury. You were probably wondering was I that Ross O’Carroll-Kelly? There’s your answer.” Illustration: Alan Clarke

‘It’s the Vico Road. No one around here cleans their own gaff’

September 2, 2017

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I whip out the old Southside Roll then and I peel off a 20’

I’m looking out the window, thinking, yeah, no, the more time she spends at school, the less time we have to put up with her

‘It still hasn’t dawned on Sorcha that Honor is the wrong crowd’

August 26, 2017

First day in ‘actual Mount Anville’, but the last thing Honor needs is a chaperone

“It’s not that I don’t know how to do it? It’s just that it’s never come up before. I mean, everyone knows the words to, ‘Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…’ don’t they? But who has ever had to count backwards from 20 before?”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘The anaesthetist is a total knockout – no pun intended’

August 19, 2017

Ross is going under the knife, but counting backwards from 20 is causing problems

'This is Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly, the author and humanitarian, and I wish to know why I’ve been sent a – what does it say on it, Ross – Free Travel Pass?'

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘Public transport is for the poor and fallen’

August 12, 2017

The old dear might be ‘entitled’ to free travel, but that doesn’t mean she wants it

An impromptu picture show puts Ronan in an awkward position

‘Wait until you’re 15 to drink, like all South Dublin girls’

August 5, 2017

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I see a photograph of a stripper and a hand offering her $20

'It’ll be like Oliver Plunkett’s head. People will travel from miles around to see Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s hip.'

Ross: ‘Hip replacements are for old people. I’m only 37, Dude’

July 29, 2017

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: 'Ross, you soft-as-shite, south Dublin mammy’s boy'

“Ross, how long have you had problems with your hip? I’ve been listening to that thing clicking for 10 years or more.”

‘The doctor says it’s an old rugby injury – I can’t tell you how proud that makes me’

July 22, 2017

Ross finds the past, and tackles by Jerry Flannery, catching up with him

‘Chakras? I literally haven’t heard anyone mention them since 2008’

July 15, 2017

With Sorcha away at a Himalyan spa near Drumshanbo, experience tells me to be definitely wary of my daughter Honor

'The old man, Hennessy and Kennet all just stare at me – in, like, total awe? That can happen sometimes – I’ll say shit that’s accidentally clever.'

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘I officially name this Robbin’ Island'

July 8, 2017

I’ve hordly ever seen the old man this excited about something non-rugby related

The black eyes? “It was a bit of rugby banter in Kielys between me and a dude from Gonzaga, which spilled into violence, which then spilled into handshakes, pints all round and an agreement to respect each other’s traditions and way of life,” I told him.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s wedding-day advice: ‘Don’t get caught’

July 1, 2017

The bridesmaids are like zombie-movie extras who did their own make-up on a moving bus

Ross the boss: ‘You’ve killed 40 people? I have to say, fair focks!’

June 24, 2017

Grievous Bodily Horm just laughs when I explain why I’m leaving his wife’s hotel room

I give her one of my looks. I’m like, “You know, you’re a very attractive woman, Malicious.” She’s not, by the way.

‘We’re southsiders ... We’re nice to your face, then say stuff about you behind your back’

June 17, 2017

Cleaning up the mess from Ronan’s latest fling means putting my body on the line

“Sorry, who put this obvious lunatic in charge of the country?”

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘Leo went to a second-tier private school’

June 10, 2017

No wonder Varadkar is saying ‘in Ireland it no longer matters where you come from’

‘Look me in the eye, Rosser. Did you hab sex with my wife that neet?’

June 3, 2017

That’s not a question you want to hear from a well-known gangland criminal

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Try not to sleep with gangland killers’ wives’

May 27, 2017

Sometimes the best advice we can give our children is the most blindingly obvious

I love my daughter and I would defend her to death, even though I know deep down there’s something probably wrong with her

‘The recession was a fluke. No one knows why it happened’

May 20, 2017

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘The boom is back, but this time the decking will be composite’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: It’s like if Tarantino directed Wind in the Willows

May 13, 2017

Ro and the wife of a gangland criminal are going at it. We’re all focking dead

‘I stop seeing them as criminals, and more as a normal family, like the Kordashians’

May 6, 2017

Ronan got to see four of what they call The Big Five – the ex-pat Irish criminals the gordaí would most love to put behind bors

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