Ross O'Carroll Kelly | Paul Howard

‘I’m with The Girls. We’re getting along like doughnuts and Blanchardstown’

October 13, 2018

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Honor has set up a review site, Sorcha tells me. It’s called Rate My Playdate

‘The last time we were in there, the triplets smashed an eight-foot-high Chewbacca into about a million pieces and I left without paying for the damage.’

‘There’s a girl who works in the Bailey. And before you say anything, me and you were on a break at the time’

October 6, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas?

‘I’ve joined this WhatsApp group that some of the Mount Anville moms set up.’

‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’

September 29, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense

‘We’re going to Munster. We’re going to get Joey Corbery back.’

‘Limerick’s definitely been tidied up a bit since ‘Angela’s Ashes’’

September 22, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I convince the lads to go to Munster to rescue Joey Corbery

The boys stop suddenly swearing. Because they can presumably see what I can see, that Mallorie Kennedy is – and hopefully this isn’t me objectifying women – a serious, serious honey

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: My sons take after me in their love of being surrounded by admiring females

September 15, 2018

The boys can presumably see that Mallorie Kennedy is a serious, serious honey

“I see the distant look in Sorcha’s eyes when she says it and I think to myself that maybe Amie with an ie was right.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘If you ask Sorcha how she is these days, she says she’s having a good Q3’

September 8, 2018

'There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a career. I say that as an obvious feminist'

And, after an hour of non-stop flipping and blinding, all of the sweets have gone and the rewarding of good behaviour scheme has hit its first major snag.

‘I suddenly feel like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society’

September 1, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s portly my responsibility to deal with the triplets’ swearing

“You better stop with the constant effing and blinding! Because I’m sick to the teeth of it – and I’m saying that as someone who’s been hanging around rugby clubs all my life!”

‘‘Goys, this is Tayto Pork!’ The triplets’ faces light up’

August 25, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Fockers!’ Brian goes, looking forward to releasing pent-up energy

‘A chill goes through my body as I notice her – get this – kissing an actual boy’

August 18, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor lasted the course in the Gaeltacht – and that’s suspicious

I decide that it’s time to clear the gorden. And there’s only way to do it. I look at my phone and I go, “Oh my God, Honor’s coming home!”

‘There’s a lot of Oh! My! God!s – even by normal South Dublin standards’

August 11, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: While Honor’s away, the guests will play

‘You cried once when Elaine Crowley was on holidays and someone else was presenting Midday’

August 4, 2018

Honor’s off to Irish college somewhere called Tralee – I’m really going to miss the little wagon

‘Tag rugby is, like, speed dating for South Dublin people’

July 28, 2018

Time for the Rossmeister to show this LinkedIn team what actual rugby is

“I’m not guilt-tripping you,” I tell Sorcha. “I’m just pointing out that this is the latest you’ve been home since you storted in LinkedIn.”

‘I’m reminded of an old rugby saying of mine: never be afraid to let the opposition see your abs’

July 21, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: One by one, I open the buttons of my shirt. Then, I stort unloading the dishwashing, making sure to let him see The Six

'I’ll get you some money in a minute, whatever you’re called. First, I need to weigh you.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

‘The hosepipe ban isn’t for People Like Us. The fine is only €125’

July 14, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: God, Fionnuala has tipped waiters that for a good Martini

'Honor is taking the whole thing in her stride. She goes, 'I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I won’t be going anywhere with them tomorrow.''

‘I considered driving over a cliff just so I wouldn’t have to hear their focking voices’

July 7, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Tempers fray as the family are landed with some cling-ons

‘Leo shouts “This is focking bullshit!” and he’s not wrong – 2½ years old or not’

June 30, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The family is flying to the south of France. It hasn’t started well

‘I’m morking the 20th anniversary of failing my test for the first time’

June 23, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I set off for the driving test centre confident it would be 17th time lucky

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I know I’m a terrible father”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Unless it’s escaped your attention, I’m a terrible father’

June 16, 2018

Sorcha’s decided to go back to work, and wants me to stay home to look after the kids

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Sorcha, please. I genuinely don’t think I can do this. I’ll find another job. I could give the Leinster Branch a ring”

‘Are you saying you want me to be one of those stay-in-bed fathers?’

June 9, 2018

While this conversation is happening, I should mention, the triplets are running amok

'Can I just stop you, Dave? There’s no point in trying to teach me stuff, because I’m as thick as that wall there. It’s 10 seconds of your life that you’re never going to get back.'

‘I’m the best estate agent you have – and that’s not me being big-headed’

June 2, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s time to learn some crucial differences between GDPR and CPR

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