Ross O'Carroll Kelly | Paul Howard

'It’s a long time since there’s been such a buzz about me. And being essentially a confidence player, I feel myself quickly growing into the role that I’m being asked to play here today.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m sorry but that’s where this Santa Claus draws the line’

December 15, 2018

Ross gets a flashback to his Senior Cup days while filling in for St Nick in Foxrock

'The old dear texts her mates and cancels – hilarious – supper? I text Sorcha and tell her that I won’t be home tonight and tomorrow doesn’t look promising either.'

‘Porking in Dundrum is like the Battle of the Bastards from ‘Game of Thrones’’

December 8, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We are surrounded by empty spaces but neither of us are giving up this one

I was sitting with a cappuccino and my famous Rugby Tactics Book, playing a game I like to call “Being Joe Schmidt”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My brain feels like it’s turning into paté’

December 1, 2018

I had to unmute the Mount Anville mothers’ WhatsApp group - I couldn't bear the silence

“If it was up to me, you’d be watching the end of this match from pitch-side, cheering Ireland on through a hole in your throat.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I swear on my children’s lives I’ve had no contact with Peter Casey’

November 24, 2018

Ireland are beating the All Blacks with 15 minutes to go but everything is kicking off in the old man’s corporate box

‘Merrion Analytics can feed polling data into a computer and come up with profiles of marginalised people that it’s perfectly okay to dislike.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Our bogey group should be lactose-intolerant Border-county cyclists’

November 17, 2018

The old man is plotting a fresh course for New Republic given the Peter Casey effect

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I’m now a member of nine Mount Anville WhatsApp groups’

November 10, 2018

She says, ‘My sister was with Ross once,’ and puts up a picture of a small sausage

‘Just because people are vulnerable doesn’t mean they’re not taking the piss’

November 3, 2018

I taught Sorcha to drive in the Rav4. She insisted on staying in first gear between the speed bumps

‘Honor was actually conceived in this cor?’ ‘We should push it off a cliff’

October 27, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha gets teary about her old Rav4 in Dundrum cor pork

‘You grew up in south Dublin, but it’s like you arrived from space an hour ago’

October 20, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m about to get a horsh lesson on how Mount Anville moms’ WhatsApp groups really work

‘I’m with The Girls. We’re getting along like doughnuts and Blanchardstown’

October 13, 2018

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Honor has set up a review site, Sorcha tells me. It’s called Rate My Playdate

‘The last time we were in there, the triplets smashed an eight-foot-high Chewbacca into about a million pieces and I left without paying for the damage.’

‘There’s a girl who works in the Bailey. And before you say anything, me and you were on a break at the time’

October 6, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas?

‘I’ve joined this WhatsApp group that some of the Mount Anville moms set up.’

‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’

September 29, 2018

Stories of 2018: I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense

‘We’re going to Munster. We’re going to get Joey Corbery back.’

‘Limerick’s definitely been tidied up a bit since ‘Angela’s Ashes’’

September 22, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I convince the lads to go to Munster to rescue Joey Corbery

The boys stop suddenly swearing. Because they can presumably see what I can see, that Mallorie Kennedy is – and hopefully this isn’t me objectifying women – a serious, serious honey

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: My sons take after me in their love of being surrounded by admiring females

September 15, 2018

The boys can presumably see that Mallorie Kennedy is a serious, serious honey

“I see the distant look in Sorcha’s eyes when she says it and I think to myself that maybe Amie with an ie was right.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘If you ask Sorcha how she is these days, she says she’s having a good Q3’

September 8, 2018

'There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a career. I say that as an obvious feminist'

And, after an hour of non-stop flipping and blinding, all of the sweets have gone and the rewarding of good behaviour scheme has hit its first major snag.

‘I suddenly feel like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society’

September 1, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s portly my responsibility to deal with the triplets’ swearing

“You better stop with the constant effing and blinding! Because I’m sick to the teeth of it – and I’m saying that as someone who’s been hanging around rugby clubs all my life!”

‘‘Goys, this is Tayto Pork!’ The triplets’ faces light up’

August 25, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Fockers!’ Brian goes, looking forward to releasing pent-up energy

‘A chill goes through my body as I notice her – get this – kissing an actual boy’

August 18, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor lasted the course in the Gaeltacht – and that’s suspicious

I decide that it’s time to clear the gorden. And there’s only way to do it. I look at my phone and I go, “Oh my God, Honor’s coming home!”

‘There’s a lot of Oh! My! God!s – even by normal South Dublin standards’

August 11, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: While Honor’s away, the guests will play

‘You cried once when Elaine Crowley was on holidays and someone else was presenting Midday’

August 4, 2018

Honor’s off to Irish college somewhere called Tralee – I’m really going to miss the little wagon

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