Ross O'Carroll Kelly | Paul Howard

‘I’m not posting bail for Conor McGregor. That focker can use his own money’

April 14, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Ronan wants to go to New York and hab a woord with his heerdo

‘People need to realise ‘Room to Improve’ is just a TV show. It’s not reality’

April 7, 2018

Ross realises that Dermot Bannon has warped the minds of his customers

‘I’ve chosen Vladimir for my Confirmation name. After Vladimir Putin’

March 31, 2018

Sorcha ends up totally losing it with her: ‘You will not stort using it all the time’

‘Instagramming your food will result in you being violently removed from the premises’

March 24, 2018

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Rude restaurants – in Ranelagh – are back and the family has a booking

She stops laughing and touches her cheek, then stares at her wet fingers like she’s seeing a miracle.

‘Bouncy castles attract undesirables. They’re not for People Like Us’

March 17, 2018

Just when Ross thought there were no more tears, the floodgates open in Bucharest

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Find another sucker – Mother’s Day or not’

March 10, 2018

Ireland are playing Scotland, but I know my old dear well enough to know when I’m being blackmailed

‘You had three beautiful children, Sorcha. Plus Honor’

March 3, 2018

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The Mount Anville past pupils breakfast is like LinkedIn with egg-white omelettes

I hear the first tap on the window. There’s a young goy standing there with his mates – they’re, like, 16 or 17 years old. “Dude!” he goes, spreading his orms wide. “What? The actual? Fock?”

‘Rugby is no longer a guarantee of anything’

February 24, 2018

Grab It, Trouser It and Leg It: a proper name for an estate agent

February 17, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The agency is now rebanding and our Ross doesn’t like it at all

‘All these years, I’ve taken the rap for being the unfaithful one’

February 10, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s digging her way through a landfill of old memories

'Sorcha – in common with hundreds of thousands of others – hasn’t figured out yet that Honor is using her YouTube channel to test the bounds of women’s gullibility.'

The Gord goes: ‘Do you ever inquire as to what your daughter gets up to online?’

February 3, 2018

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’d better look at the video she posted three days ago’

‘We’re from South Dublin – none of us want to work for anything’

January 27, 2018

Honor is rude to randomers on Grafton Street – and Ross has never been so proud

'Brian O’Driscoll did things for this country. I don’t think it’s too much to ask people to set aside one day of the year to reflect on that.'

‘When Dricmas falls on a weekend, people are entitled to the Monday off’

January 20, 2018

Ross discovers that his idea of a Holy Day of Obligation doesn’t quite tally with his boss

“It’s the second week in January. Who still takes their New Year’s resolutions seriously in the second week in January?”

‘To my ears, Irish always sounds like someone is hurting a Norwegian’

January 13, 2018

Ross isn’t on board with Sorcha’s Irish resolution – and it’s about to blow up in his face

“The universities award honorary doctorates. We just thought, isn’t it time we started to award Honorary Leaving Certificates?”

‘I’m the most high-profile Irish rugby player who never got the Leaving?’

January 6, 2018

Ross gets a surprising phone call – it might be time to break out the ‘flat hat thing’

“It’s an amazing way of celebrating our Irishness in this period of historic centenaries,” claims Sorcha

‘Your resolution was to become part of the Irish coaching staff. How did you get on?’

December 30, 2017

Honor fights her corner: “Er, you’re the one who’s always saying we shouldn’t tell lies.”

‘A three-stor hotel? For me that’s the equivalent of a stable’

December 23, 2017

Ross O’Carroll Kelly goes to Cork and finds there’s no room at the Jury’s Inn

“You do this every year, Ross. You build Christmas up in your head to be this major thing and it never lives up to your expectations.”

‘Don’t forget to leave a very, very large gin and tonic out for, ahem, Rudolph!’

December 16, 2017

A letter from Santa to a young Ross leaves him a little bit choked up

Straight down the line: the launch of the Luas Green line extension on O’Connell Street with Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, Minister for Transport Shane Ross and Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe. Photograph: Cyril Byrne

‘It’s not a rail extension they should be building, it’s a security wall’

December 10, 2017

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s mother puts herself on the line to prevent the Luas routes linking up

‘Dave came back from that HR course like a soldier who’s been to war and can’t speak about it’

December 9, 2017

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The man who’s standing in front of us is a shell of his former self

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