Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would help my cause.
She goes, “Oh my God, Ross! How could you?”
I’m there, “You know nothing about rugby, Sorcha. Talking to you about it is like talking to a pigeon about orchitecture. No one learns anything and all anyone gets out of it is cranky.”
She’s like, “They’re devastated, Ross.”
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Yeah, no, she’s talking about Brian, Johnny and Leo.
I’m there, “They’ll get over it. Might even help them in the long run.”
She goes, “You dropped your own children from the school rugby team.”
I’m like, “They’re still in the squad, Sorcha – although they’re hanging on by their fingernails.”
She goes, “Ross, I’m disgusted.”
I’m there, “How do you think I feel? I’m considered by some pretty great judges of the game to be the greatest Irish centre that no one has ever heard of. How embarrassing do you think it is for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?”
“That’s a terrible thing to say about your own children.”
“Well, I’m saying it as someone who’s never been afraid to make the big calls.”
“They’ll never get over this.”
“Spare me, would you? Leo has no interest in rugby. He was banging on about joining the drama society last week. They’re doing the Pirates of Penzance.”
She just shakes her head. This is a girl, bear in mind, who won a total of three awards in her sporting career, all of them for taking port. She once tried to put them on the mantelpiece next to my trophies and I had to get Hennessy to threaten her with an injunction.
“And to add insult to injury,” she goes, “you poached another set of triplets –”
I’m there, “The Vesey boys,” and – yeah, no – I can’t help but say it with a smirk on my face.
“– from another school!” she goes.
I’m like, “Wesley College!”
She goes, “Seriously, Ross – how could you?”
I’m there, “Sorcha, I hate defining kids as being winners and losers. But as a Director of Rugby, I’m being paid the big bucks to call it as I see it. The Vesey boys are winners and our boys are losers. I rest my case.”
“I’m so angry with you, Ross.”
The principal goes, ‘Mr Vesey said you promised him €150,000 in cash, no fees and the school would pay to put his children through third-level when they leave school.’ I’m like, ‘Dude, this is how schools rugby has worked since the time of, I don’t know, Moses’
“Like I said, you know as much about rugby as I do about modesty. Which – in case you’re wondering – is fock-all. But a lot of great players experienced the feeling of being dropped early in their careers and it ended up being what spurred them on. Do you want me to ring Drico?”
“No, I don’t want you to ring Drico.”
“Sexton then? Will I ring Sexton?”
“I don’t want you to ring anyone. I just want you to take a long, hord look in the mirror and realise that this job has changed you, Ross. And I don’t mean for the better.”
There ends up being a ring on the doorbell then.
I’m like, “Don’t answer it.”
She goes, “What do you mean, don’t answer it? I’m going to answer it.”
Which is exactly what she ends up doing? Ten seconds later, I hear Fionn – the principal of Castlerock College, so technically my boss, at least in his head – in the hallway.
He’s going, “Where is he, Sorcha? Is he home?”
I reach for the handle of the back door, except the dude bursts into the kitchen, going, “I’ve been ringing you all morning.”
I’m like, “Yeah, no, 15 missed calls. You got a real problem, Dude.”
He goes, “I came into work this morning to find out that we have six brand-new students enrolled in the school.”
I’m there, “Including Sam, Will and Felix Vesey – all three of them future Leinster and Ireland players. You’re welcome, by the way.”
He goes, “You didn’t tell me about this.”
I’m like, “You don’t tell me the ins and outs of your day as a school principal. I’d have zero interest – again, that’s me calling it.”
He goes, “Five teachers came to me today and told me that they had students in their classes whom they’d never met before.”
I’m there, “What the fock are they doing in classes? Thanks for letting me know, Dude. Let’s hope that no lasting damage has been done.”
He goes, “Oh, I’ve spoken to Mr Vesey. He tells me that certain promises were made for him to take his three children out of Wesley College and send them to Castlerock.”
I’m like, “Yeah, no, that’s because my three turned out to be total focking duds.”
Sorcha goes, “Fionn, have you ever heard a father talk about his children like that?”
He goes, “Mr Vesey said you promised him €150,000 in cash, no fees and the school would pay to put his children through third-level when they leave school.”
I’m like, “Dude, this is how schools rugby has worked since the time of, I don’t know, Moses.”
He goes, “When are you going to grow up, Ross?”
I’m there, “Says the man who collects Harry Potter wands.”
Oh, that rocks him back on his heels.
He tries to go, “What does that have to do with anything?”
But I’m there, “Go on, deny it. You’ve got how many Harry Potter wands? Seventeen, isn’t it?”
[ Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’Opens in new window ]
He’s like, “I presume you made similar promises to the parents of the other three boys. You promised them cash, that we’d waive their fees and put them through college – did you?”
I’m there, “Dude, you’ll be thanking me when we beat Blackrock on Paddy’s Day.”
He goes – and this is, like, word for word – “I don’t care whether we beat Blackrock on Paddy’s Day.”
I’m there, “Well, I’m glad one of us does. Because if it was left to you, Castlerock College would be a laughing stock in the world of schools rugby.”
Sorcha tries to get the last word in then.
She’s like, “His own children, Fionn!”
I’m there, “Hey, it breaks my hort to say it, Sorcha, but I think their future lies in musical theatre.”
She goes, “They’re devastated, Ross.”
I’m like, “What can I say? It’s a hord-knock life!”
And from upstairs, Leo goes, “That’s not from the Pirates of Penzance. It’s from Annie.”
And I’m just there “I rest my case.”
