Following this week’s Fix Your Life series – in which a panel of experts advised people on improving difficult situations in their lives – we invited readers to send in their thoughts and advice. Here are some of your comments
Ann Dwyer (51) is an artist and divorced mother-of-three who would like to start her own business
I read with interest your series of change-your-life columns this week. I was particularly struck by the story of Ann Dwyer. I work as a trained and accredited life and business coach, and I would like to offer her a series of four sessions free of charge. I am based in Galway but I do most of my coaching over the phone.
My coaching practice focuses on working with people who are creative or in holistic therapy etc, generally around the area of starting up small businesses and finding clients, basically helping talented and inspired people to figure out a way to bring their gifts into the world and earn income form them.
Ann Hill, Your Lifes Work
James (45) is an unemployed father-of-three struggling with debt and the breakdown of his marriage
I read today’s column with interest as I am a similar age to James and also been through a recent separation. I could see where all the advisors were coming from with their advice, given their areas of expertise. When I read James’s reaction to the sincere advice that was given to him, all I could think is that here is a rude, ungrateful and nasty man. All I can say is – Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy . . .
Mark
James (Fix Your Life 30th August) refers to his tendency to attract women who have been abused or beaten in the past. He wonders why this is. Perhaps it is because such women are easier to manipulate and to blame for the problems in a relationship.
It is quite telling that James chooses to dehumanise these women by referring to them as “damaged goods”. He seems to think that the labels “intelligent women” and “damaged goods” are somehow mutually exclusive, in spite of the fact that he himself seems to be an intelligent, if damaged, man. Perhaps James needs to take a hard look at at his attitude towards women before thinking about embarking on a new relationship. A new woman, however intelligent and undamaged, cannot fix James’ life. Only James can do that.
Aoife
Róisín Ingle’s piece today on coping with marital breakdown rang very true with me. A lot of men in this country in their late 40s and early 50s who perhaps through no fault of their own can no longer be the main “bread winner” face into a marital breakdown with a sense of fear. They have every reason to do so.
Many people rush to their solicitors to instigate proceedings on separation without fully realising the long-term life-changing action they are putting in place. I have recently done an analysis of the cost of separation.
The cost of creating two households from one, has added an additional €1,000 a month to our joint outgoings. Renting another property, one person taking on a mortgage instead of two, two phone bills, electric bills, gardening bills (my wife now has to pay someone to mow the lawn) etc has led to increased outgoings for both of us. It also means any chance of early retirement can be put in the bin. Over a period of 23 years, the total cost of our separation just in household outgoings at today’s prices is in excess of €250,000. This money could have been saved for college fees or bought a few years of early retirement or sent the children to the Gaeltacht every summer, or a decent family holiday every few years. It is effectively money down the drain; our children will not thank us for messing up their lives.
My recommendation to anyone contemplating separation is think, think and think again. Separation is a financial disaster that hits you, your children and your grandchildren. My advice. Avoid it at all costs. Either don’t get married or realise – which I did far too late – you need to work on marriage to make it work.
Siobháin Bunni (42) is an unemployed mother-of-three who wanted help addressing problems in her career and family life
I read the article with Siobháin, and I thought to suggest some simple ideas that might help her a little:
1. Yoga is a wonderful form of exercise. Invest in a DVD and do yoga when the baby is napping and the children are at school.
2. Meditation is very powerful, but it’s at its best when you do it by yourself at a similar time each day – try and make it a routine, and set aside five to six minutes (that’s all it takes to feel the good effects!) a day to do it.
3. Find a routine – this means deciding on a time to go to sleep and to rise. Sometimes it only takes a week doing something to make it a habit, but 40 days is often a good time to aim for.
4. Incorporate food into this routine, ie what you will eat and when. It’s often best to eat most at breakfast and lunch, and less at dinner, and that way the food digests better.
Siobháin sounds super-accomplished, and before she knows it she’ll find something very fulfilling to do with her time. She should also not feel bad for relying on her parents’ support – they are supporting her because they love her and want to help her.
Keelin Deesy
Email further comments to fixyourlife@irishtimes.com