Róisín Ingle on . . . the masks we wear

It’s the day when tradition dictates we must pretend to be someone we are not. As if we don’t wear masks most days of the year. Just this past week has seen me pretend to be at least three other people including Someone Who Knows How to Drive and GAA Mam. (So good was my disguise in this last one that when I heard someone screaming “GET THEM!” at my daughter who was involved in a tackle it took a second to realise it was me.)

I’ve also been Person In An Important Meeting (PIAIM). In the course of preparing for this meeting I learnt a few things. In case you have a similar meeting planned, I offer these revelations:

Have several meetings about the meeting. Pre-meetings if you will. Best to have pre-meetings with more than one set of friends that have very different business styles. They will give you handy phrases to say like: "You've got a problem now, but I can help you fix that problem." Others will ask about your BATNA. You will Google it to discover it stands for Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. You will toss and turn at night wondering about your BATNA. You will have a vivid dream involving Batman. You wake up thinking that your BATNA might be the status quo. Slightly depressing.

Make notes of the key points you wish to discuss at the meeting This is crucial. How else will you remember your key points? If you are talking about your boss in these notes use initials and not his/her real name. If you are referencing delicate "events" use code words and be ambiguous about the events in case the notes are discovered by others. But not too ambiguous in case you can't understand what you were talking about. Delicate balance to be struck here.

Keep your confidential notes on your person at all times Part 1 You will be in the toilet of a fancy grocery store doing your meeting make-up in the mirror and also doing that "power pose" you read about in O magazine and all the while you'll be reminding yourself of the importance of not letting the confidential, potentially damaging notes out of your sight. Then you will get slightly distracted choosing between three different shades of red lipstick wondering which one says Give Me What I Want Immediately, (Please?) and which one just says Desperate. You will leave feeling powerful.

Don't have any wine even if it's a lunch meeting Luckily a friend texts you this advice half an hour before the meeting. It's only when you get the text you realise you had been idly wondering whether to have red or white or whether to showcase your fun side by ordering prosecco. "None at all?"you might text back and the text will ping: "None".

Don't talk too fast If you are anything like me you just have to accept that at some point you will talk too fast in the meeting and sound a bit deranged but that you will also sound passionate and they are always on about passion on Dragon's Den.

Keep your confidential notes on your person at all times Part 2 A brain-boosting espresso in the coffee shop across from the meeting place is no harm with 15 minutes to go. Also, it's a good time to take a last glimpse of your notes. When you discover they are not in your bag, remember to breathe. Then retrace your steps. Yes, you may be late for the meeting but on the other hand someone might find the notes and now you are sweating so hard your make-up is sliding off your face. Root around in the bin in the grocery store toilet. Beseech a young man telling him if he finds the notes not to look at them but keep them for you but definitely don't look at them, would he mind? He says he will. He looks scared. You must put it all out of the your mind and go to the meeting.

Meetings are tricky and don't feel bad if you can't really tell how it went in the end That's all you'll have to say about the actual meeting. Except that you definitely talked too fast.

Keep your confidential notes on your person at all times Part 3 During the meeting you missed three calls from staff at the store who found your notes. "We didn't read them, we just put them in an envelope for you," they say. You collect the notes. You'll make a Halloween bonfire of them tonight. And then you'll try just being yourself for a while, at least until the next disguise.

[ roisin@irishtimes.com  ]

The Irish Times is hosting an evening with Róisín Ingle on Friday, November 6th to celebrate the launch of her book Public Displays of Emotion. Join us at the Westbury Hotel for a wine reception, followed by a three-course meal and conversation between Róisín and Paul Howard (creator of Ross O'Carroll Kelly). To book, see irishtimes.com/roisiningleevent