Old Moore’s Kardashian obsession is getting out of hand

‘Kim and Kanye will announce news of another baby. But Kanye West’s mental health will decline. He will be ill for several years. Kim will divorce him and marry again quickly’

I’m not sure what Old Moore has against the Kardashian clan, but he’s hell-bent on waving the bad fairy wand over them. A baby, an illness, a divorce and a marriage? Blimey, that’s a lot of action for one month.

What actually happened in Kardashian-Land this month is more surreal than anything Old Moore came up with. Kim Kardashian’s stepfather, Bruce Jenner, a former Olympic decathlon gold medallist, announced via a two-hour interview on American television that he was in the process of gender transition. Jenner is 65, and his decision to go public about being transgender was widely praised.

Kanye West, far from being in a state of mental decline, was, according to his wife, Kim Kardashian, so understanding and supportive of Jenner’s announcement that he helped her to be similarly accepting.

‘A cyber bank-heist, the first of its kind’

Well, we’re still not sure how thieves planned their startlingly audacious raid on the safety box depository in London’s Hatton Garden, but it was certainly the heist of the century

so far. At least £200 million worth of jewels were stolen over Easter from 72 separate security deposit boxes, by robbers as yet unidentified.

They managed to enter the building unchallenged, and drill through 2m of reinforced concrete to gain access to the vaults. They came and went from the building not once, but twice, carrying away the jewels in wheelie bins. The alarms in the building went off, but nobody bothered to investigate, not even the police. It’s not known if the building had its own security guard. Maybe the guard was in an Easter egg coma. Regardless, the thieves have so far got away with it.

So a heist, yes, but not a cyber one.

‘Spratly Islands in the news’

I confess I had never heard of the Spratly Islands. Have you? Admit it. You have not. The Spratly Islands are a disputed archipelago of more than 750 very small rocks, reefs and tiny islands

in the South China Sea, none of which are inhabited. Their ownership is disputed, between, it seems, Malaysia, Vietnam, China, the Philippines and Taiwan, and I can only hope I don’t cause an international situation by mistakenly leaving other claimants out. The reason for the barney over the ownership is that the islands are in a busy shipping route: it’s all about claiming ownership of international boundaries.

And yes, the islands were in the news in April. The BBC reported last month that the area is in danger of becoming a flashpoint with “global consequences”, owing to the tensions between the various territories that claim ownership of the archipelago.

‘Calvin Klein in the news’

Calvin Klein is the designer best known for his range of underwear. Was he in the news? In a way. It’s back to Kardashian-Land again. Kendall Jenner, daughter of Bruce and half-sister of Kim, modelled his latest range of Calvin Klein’s sporty clothing, and this was widely reported. Not only that, but a huge billboard in Soho, New York, of Kendall Jenner wearing said clothes was targeted by a drone on the last day of April. Apparently, drones are now capable of defacing, tagging and paintbombing billboards positioned halfway between street level and the sky.This is supposedly the first time a billboard ad has been defaced by a drone. So now you know.

‘Whatsapp brings in the cash’

I don’t think anything dramatic happened to the messaging app in terms of finances, but it was certainly in the news in April. After the dreadful earthquake in Nepal, the full extent of which is still unclear, many people who survived used Whatsapp to alert family to the fact they were safe.

‘3D for mobile phones makes the news’

Old Moore’s fingers must have been slipping off the keyboard again. I am not entirely sure what 3D for mobiles phones actually is, but I do know that the Three mobile phone network in Ireland made the news more than once in April as its coverage went down. There were many disgruntled customers making rude sounds about the temporary disappearance of their coverage.

‘A Kardashian wedding: it doesn’t last’

That Old Moore. He really is puzzlingly obsessed with the travails, imagined or otherwise, of this clan. This is presumably a different wedding to the one where Kim ditched Kanye – he of the mental health issues – and married another.

Well, no Kardashian got married at all in April. Or divorced. Or had a baby. Or announced they would be having a baby. So now you’re fully up to date.

COME WHAT MAY: OLD MOORE’S PREDICTIONS FOR THIS MONTH

Ireland

• Drama around school admissions unfairness.
• Female Irish politician scandal.
• Shane Filan getting rich again.
• A high-profile, unexpected divorce.
• Young Irish star dies or nearly dies.
• Roy Keane in the news.

World

• Tidal power in the news.
• George and Amal Clooney marriage in jeopardy.
• Seas warming, but some sea life thriving.
• Abortion in Ireland in the news again.
• Cocoa in the news.
• Big plane story.
• Virtual reality gaming intensifies.
• Venezuela in the news for economy and riots.
• An exciting dinosaur discovery.
• An explosion in space.
• Big waves in Europe, and a whopper typhoon in Asia.
• Racing car crashes into audience.
• A magician in the news.
• Famous person found to be a paedophile.
• Large iceberg breaks from sheet.
• Global awareness of climate change rises.
• Australia's government kills the country's finances.
• Volcanoes awaken.
• An emergency for the International Space Station.
• Putin has a tantrum.