Mercedes GLE coupe: another confusing, coupe crossover

The curse of the coupe crossover strikes again. Where BMW led with its X6, Mercedes has chosen to follow. And the end result is as oddball and ridiculous as the Bavarian offering.

Like the X6 – and more recently the X4 – the problem lies not with the ingredients but with the end result.

What you want from an SUV is the lure of rugged toughness, a hint of indestructibility. Though most are loathe to admit it, what SUV owners are also looking for is some sense of security and protection, perhaps even a little bit of menace to keep other motorists at bay in the battle of the modern commute. That’s not something you get from a sporty coupe.

In rugby parlance, it’s the difference between a winger and a prop forward. What car firms aspire to with coupe crossovers is the motoring equivalent of an American football all-star, seven-foot man-mountain who sprints like Usain Bolt. It’s unnatural, and in the motoring world looks as oddball as it sounds.

That’s not to say the GLE is a flop. With the GLE you get the build quality of the latest E-Class and even some touches of the S-Class, a drivetrain that cushions the worst excesses of Irish roads and a 3-litre diesel powerhouse that puts out 258bhp and a massive 620Nm of torque, combined with a slick and smooth nine-speed automatic transmission. Thanks to this it can achieve a 0-100km/h time of just seven seconds, which is phenomenal when you consider the sheer scale of this motoring behemoth and the fact it’s also lugging around the permanent four-wheel drive system as standard.

Mid-range

Underpinning the GLE is the firm’s new mid-range SUV platform, heavily revised for this “coupe” but fundamentally the same as that which features on the replacement SUV for the outgoing M-Class.

It’s an impressive platform that’s commendably agile and surefooted for a car of this size. Yet already we touch on the first quandary for any coupe SUV. The heavyweight characteristic of an SUV – a mix of imposing high-set stature and bulky four-wheel-drive frame - is not conducive to the sleek and sporty nature of a coupe.

While you have to admire engineers who seek to overturn accepted logic and face off against the naysayers, myself included, the end result just hasn’t delivered the goods – for any brand. At BMW the X6 is certainly not as sleek as the 6-Series, and arguably neither as practical nor as alluring as the 6-Series Gran Coupe. And I speak from experience, having at one time taken an X6 to the Nurburgring for one of those madcap Sundays where the track is open to the public. While it was great fun fending off motorcyclists and Opel Corsa OPCs from the front seat of the BMW, with its phenomenal grip, it was evident from the start that this lumbering beast simply isn’t a sports coupe.

Similarly here at the three-pointed star brand, why opt for a GLE at €86,455 or more when you can get the gorgeous CLS 350 CDI for €75,050. If you need the extra bootspace then you can always opt for the CLS shooting brake estate version. Of course if what you really want is the practicality – and sub-conscious protection – of an SUV then the new GLE SUV will answer your needs.

In motoring parlance, the term crossover is pitched as the best of both worlds, but what really translates to is compromise. And in some segments it’s a compromise worth making. Many mainstream buyers are happy to sacrifice a little of the nimbler handling traits of a hatchback for the more rugged looks and visibility of a mid-sized crossover. The SUV element is in large part aesthetic, but the customers don’t mind.

Six-figure price tag

Here, however, in a category of car that starts to brush up against six-figure price tags, compromise is not something buyers wish to contemplate. It should handle like a coupe and have the off-road capabilities of a decent SUV. Unfortunately, while it does its best on the coupe front, particularly for its size, it simply doesn’t match the coupe performance. In terms of hill-climbing action, I didn’t have the heart to take our pristine test car, resting on gorgeous 22-inch alloys, into anything rougher than a rutted farm track. I’m sure it’s capable of getting itself out of the muddy ruts but it’s simply not dressed for the off-road life.

For all the oddball looks of these variants, there are two markets where they are going down a treat: Asia and North America. In particular, Chinese buyers seem to like the look, and even as the Asian giant is pulling out of the fast lane of economic growth, there is still money to be made. That's perhaps why the entry-level engine is the 3-litre diesel. I get the impression this car is offered to European customers as an afterthought.