Making a Haynes

Emissions: Those of you with a prudish disposition may want to look away now. I believe the road test is an especially good read this week.

For things could get a bit risqué. If it were allowed, this could degenerate into an exercise in crude innuendo. But then this is The Irish Times, and this is far too upstanding a column to employ vulgar jokes about keeping your pistons well lubricated, the danger to your headlights of spending too much time tinkering under your own bonnet and the importance of good, regular servicing. So I'll desist.

Apologies for the bawdiness. Blame it on Haynes. Petrolheads will know this British firm as the publishers of car maintenance manuals. But cars are its sole concern no longer. After the success of its recent Baby and Man manuals, it's done a Sex manual. Luckily for the pun-sensitive among us, it resisted the urge to call it the Car-ma Sutra.

I'm fully aware that auto-erotica is another thing altogether, but there is most certainly a link between cars and sex. Generations of people across the globe experienced their first forays into the wondrous world of nookie in the backs of cars. Indeed, the practice is so widespread in Italy that special Love Car Parks have been built to quench Latin flames of passion outside the family home.

The book, which covers models of all shapes, sizes and colours, is written in typical Haynes style: detailed explanations of how the various parts fit together and what you can do if they stop working properly, illustrated throughout with diagrams for those lacking imaginations.

There's practical guidance on keeping your motor in tip-top condition too, including helpful hints on avoiding corrosion and rust patches by practising safe sex. Perhaps most useful is the section on the most suitable positions for different model vehicles.

A motoring publisher bringing out a love-making guide may seem a bit anomalous, like George Bush writing a book of witticisms or Bono producing a humility pamphlet. But this is fun. Who knows, you may even learn something. While few people will readily admit to needing help with sexual technique, like driving, there's always room for improvement.

Personally, I don't see the attraction in car sex. It's cramped, uncomfortable and there's the ever-present risk of erious gearstick- related injury. The rudest thing I've ever done in a car is rearrange my underwear during a long journey.

All this brings us neatly to the subject of "dogging". For the uninitiated, dogging is the practice of having sex with complete strangers in car parks. The term originated in Britain when those caught in the act claimed they were "out walking the dog". I think it would be more apt if it derived its name from the fact our canine chums are none-too-picky when satisfying their carnal urges.

Apparently, there's quite a thriving scene in Good Catholic Ireland. According to dogging websites, which act as meeting points for enthusiasts and offer tips on safety, strategy and etiquette, car windows all over the country are being steamed up by illicit trysts as we speak. Frankly, the idea of getting intimate in a rental hatchback with someone who may or may not be a deranged serial killer or a nun holds as much attraction for me as self-crucifixion.

Anyway, one final piece of advice for those of you engaging in this sordid activity: always use protection. Handbrake up, car in neutral and seatbelts on. Wouldn't want any little accidents, would we?