‘My 14-year-old son seems obsessed with boxing, and I don’t like the sport’

Question: My 14-year-old is completely obsessed at the moment with boxing. He has never been in a ring and we refused to let him join a club before Covid so he is now training himself.

He gets up at 6am, does an hour of various exercises like sit ups and then he’s back again at it by 4.30pm, after a day of zoom calls and various school work.

On the one hand, I realise this is his way of dealing with stress since Covid took hold last March, but I am worried it is a bit obsessive (on some days he might spend five+ hours training). It's also interfering with his study and after-school classes. He refuses to spend time studying as it's interfering with his training routine. He has himself convinced he will make his millions being a professional boxer.

To be honest, I’m also unhappy with his choice of boxing and I really don’t like it as a sport. None of his friends are involved and he would have to go out of the area to attend a club.

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What do you advise?

Answer: When I read your question, my initial reaction was that I thought you were lucky to have a son so motivated about participating in a sporting activity in the midst of the Covid-19 lockdown. Most of the questions I have received recently centre on concerns about teenagers becoming inactive, dropping out of activities, spending long hours on screens and becoming depressed and isolated in the lockdown. So to hear of a teenager who was motivated to physically train for several hours a day on a passion struck me as a positive that you could encourage and build upon.

Is his interest an obsession?

Teenagers are prone to becoming obsessed about the things they are interested in, whether this is sports, music, video games or anything else. Strong feelings and passionate attachments go with the territory of being a teenager. Often the role a parent may be to encourage balance to their teenager’s obsessions. If a teen is obsessed with video games, you want to encourage other physical activities as well. Or if they are obsessed and stressed with study, you may want to encourage other relaxing hobbies and interests. You are right to pause and consider whether your son’s interest in boxing training is too obsessive and whether a more balanced routine needs to be encouraged.

Are there other similar sports you would be happy with such as karate or judo or athletic training that might still evoke his passion?

Sometimes teens are obsessed with physical training in the context of over-controlling their body weight (usually this is accompanied by restrictive eating) and this is something to watch carefully. However, if he is otherwise healthy then this unlikely to be a concern. Do consult with a professional if you are worried this might be an issue ( see bodywhys.ie).

Reflect about your expectations

Take time to reflect on your hesitation about your son participating in his boxing training. Is it is simply the amount of hours that he is spending on training? In which case you might focus on encouraging him to take up other passions in parallel during lockdown. Or are you mainly unhappy with his choice of boxing as a sport, perhaps because of the risk of injury or the fact he would attend a club without his friends? Think then how you can address these concerns and build on his passion. For example, are there other similar sports you would be happy with such as karate or judo or athletic training that might still evoke his passion? Or is there a boxing club you would be happy for him to join or another way for him to get appropriate training and support with others?

Most teenagers have 'big dreams' for their lives whether these are being famous sports people, or even celebrity youtubers!

In addition, be careful about your expectations about study during school closure. Most teenagers are struggling with long school days of zoom classes on screens and the expectation that they spend extra study on top of this is unrealistic and putting too much pressure on them. The most important goal is for your son to survive this lockdown with his mental health intact.

Channel his motivation and passion

Rather than only criticising his interest in boxing, I would suggest that you try to channel this motivation and passion. You can say to him that you really appreciate his discipline to get up and train and his hard work on getting fit, which is good for his physical and mental health. You could even join him on some parts of the training (such as jogging together) if he was happy with this and this could become a shared interest and a source of connection. Listen to his dreams about being a boxer and what these mean to him. Most teenagers have “big dreams” for their lives whether these are being famous sports people, or even celebrity youtubers!

I think these are great sources of motivation for young people and it is much better for them to have positive dreams like this, rather than to be feeling hopeless about the future. While these dreams and passions may be subject to change and are sometimes unrealistic, they can all channelled into driving a young person forward.

– John Sharry is a founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a series of free parenting workshops on Supporting children and teenagers mental health during the Covid crisis. See solutiontalk.ie for details