Dear Roe,
I have a dilemma that has been gnawing at me for some time. I met a man through work that I have strong feelings for. I sense he feels the same. We communicate regularly and like all the same things in terms of music, hobbies and interests. He is extremely emotionally supportive, and I think I am to him also. I really want to tell him how I feel, but I am also scared it will ruin the friendship.
One of my friends thinks we are already an “item” just by the way we interact, but there has been no physical contact yet. She said we are emotionally closer than some married couples. I really like him, and he has been dropping hints about us going to places together, weekends away, conferences, etc. I know he was married but has stopped wearing his wedding ring for a good while (before I got to know him). He seems to spend a lot of time away from his wife and never mentions her. He is very cautious about talking about his home life, and he does go off on holidays and on lads’ trips on his own – more so than is normal for a married guy.
He does not seem to have a regular couple’s life with her, but they seem to live in the same house. I know many people cannot afford to move out nowadays when they separate. Will I just let him know how I feel and take the risk? I sense sexual chemistry between us and would be afraid of what might happen if I went somewhere with him without knowing the full story. He is very gregarious but also extremely shy underneath and sometimes I feel like he is waiting for me to say something first. He is very emotionally aware, just not good at communicating things openly. Should I ask him his marital status to see what happens?
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Yes, you should ask this man who you’re incredibly close with, who is suggesting you go on weekends away with, who you are getting increasingly emotionally attached to, whether he is, in fact, married. And you should do this before declaring any feelings for him.
Your question is about risk – the risk of the awkwardness of asking him outright what his marital status is, and the risk of losing the friendship if you declare feelings for him that are not reciprocated. But you’re already undertaking an even greater risk, one I need you to pay attention to: the risk of becoming increasingly intimate with and emotionally attached to someone when you don’t know if they are available.
Ironically, if this were genuinely just a platonic friendship that wasn’t imbued with romantic and sexual undertones, you probably would have felt comfortable casually asking him aeons ago. Instead, you have spent a huge amount of time and energy acting like a freelance Nancy Drew trying to interpret clues and guess his marital status without actually knowing anything concrete.
And you do need some concrete answers. You need to know whether the man you are interested in and who also seems to be pursuing you is married before you go any further, for your sake and (frankly, more importantly) the sake of the woman who may still be his wife.
And she may still be. He has described himself as married; they still live together and he hasn’t said anything publicly to indicate a split. All evidence right now points to Not Single.
People take off their wedding rings for all kinds of reasons, and him going on holidays a lot and not mentioning her does not mean he’s single. He could be a private but still very married person; they could be non-monogamous; they could be monogamous and madly in love but just enjoy some separate holidays; he could be a practised serial philanderer who takes off his ring every day before work specifically because he fancies you and is hoping to start an affair.
You don’t know. And you need to, because the ambiguity is not serving you. It’s keeping you unclear, increasingly emotionally invested, and – if he is married – keeping you emotionally unavailable to anyone else who is actually available to date.
You can actually ask this casually. If you are indeed speaking all the time about all manners of topics, and he’s mentioning the possibility of you spending weekends together, you can literally just drop the question into conversation. Say, “Can I ask you something slightly personal? I know you were married, but I’ve realised I actually don’t know what your situation is now. Are you still together?” Ask – and then pay attention to the specifics of his answer.
If he says, “We’ve been separated for two years and are in the process of divorcing. Figuring out the house has been tricky, so we’re still technically living together. We’re cordial, but I spend a few nights a week at a friend’s place. We’re Sale Agreed, and I’m moving into my own place in January,” then that’s pretty clear, and you have a timeline for when you could possibly pursue something. If he says something more general, obfuscating and non-specific like “It’s complicated” or “We’re not happy”, then this man is not available for a romantic connection, and you should redirect your energies accordingly. Do not go on weekends away, do not engage in emotionally intimate conversations, do not spend all your time talking to him, do not Pass Go, do not collect £200, do not be That Girl.
If he is genuinely single, out of the house he and his ex once shared and not in a position of authority over you at work, then sure, go to a concert or a movie. Do this before a weekend away, which is too much pressure, and don’t let him use a work conference in a hotel as a way to hook up casually. You have to see this man every day. It’s already not casual. If you want to date, do it deliberately and consciously and thoughtfully. Openly discuss what happens at work if it doesn’t work out, and move carefully.
But no matter his situation or what happens, I want you to think about something. You have emotionally invested in this man very deeply, without knowing or feeling comfortable even asking whether he is single. That choice is worth thinking about. Because just as he may be unavailable, investing in a man who might not be available for a relationship may have been keeping you emotionally unavailable for something open, honest and real with somebody else. Ambiguity can be intoxicating, because nobody has been rejected, nobody has had to make a choice and every glance and conversation and brush against each other can feel charged and full of fantasy and possibility. And unavailable people can actually feel strangely safe, because you can experience longing, connection, excitement and enormous emotional closeness while avoiding all the practical vulnerabilities of a real relationship.
I don’t know if that is what is happening here. But I would ask yourself the question. Because sometimes we say we don’t want to “ruin the friendship” when what we actually don’t want to ruin is the intoxicating, agonising, fantasy-driven period in which every possibility remains possible – because if that period ended, we would have to decide to make ourselves available to something else; something that demanded real vulnerability and real risk.
Ask him. Listen to his answer. Take it from there. Whether it’s with him or someone else, make sure you’re investing in something real. You deserve it.
