Dealing with stress by venting it as anger has an adverse effect on children who are too young to cope with it – or understand it, writes SHEILA WAYMAN
HAVE YOU EVER delivered an angry lecture about the state of the country’s finances in general, and your household’s finances in particular, just because your child asked to put a multi-packet of biscuits in the shopping trolley?
Or caught yourself snapping at the children when they wanted you to play a game with them as soon as you were in the door from work, because an encounter with the boss was still playing on your mind?
Or maybe you shrieked at the older ones about always leaving things lying around the house, because you and your spouse have argued, yet again, about whose turn it is to change the baby’s nappy – when really the problem is that he or she spends hours on the computer at the weekend.
It is hard not to let your own stress colour the way you deal with your children. The occasional outburst is not going to do any harm, but research shows that ongoing parental stress can be detrimental to children’s mental, and even physical, health.
Stress itself is not the problem, as it is a fact of life, rather the distress it causes when we cannot cope. The cause of one person’s worries may not be a hill of beans to somebody else, but it is all relative.
As parents, the important thing is to try to manage it in ourselves and minimise the effect it has on the family.
Financial concerns have obviously been much more pervasive in this country in recent years, as few households have been immune to a drop in income. The fallout, according to stress management consultant Karen Belshaw, is evident as children are mirroring what their parents are going through.
“Walk into any schoolyard and it is there – and it really shouldn’t be,” she says. Children often express tensions at home through anger with their peers.
“Teachers have reported that they have noticed a lot more aggression in the school yard, bickering and fighting, that has come out of the blue in the last number of years,” says Belshaw, who works in schools with teachers and parents.
While she is not attributing this wholly to the effects of financial stress, she believes it plays a part. “How you behave and how you speak, language included, reflects on your children.”
If you are anxious, you need to work it off in the gym or have a natter with a friend, just don’t fret all the time in front of the children. “They don’t know how to handle it.”
Children hear bits and pieces, from adults or the news, and it does not make sense to them but is causing them anxiety, she points out, which can manifest in behavioural problems or night-time terrors.
“They don’t need to know things they can do nothing about,” says Belshaw. “We don’t want to bring up our kids as nervous, neurotic wrecks. We can be neurotic when they have gone to school and vent, but they don’t know how!”
Children look to parents for the reassuring, “It will be all right, love”. They will, one day, learn that they have to deal with certain things, but that should not be until they are ready.
“At primary school age, they are not able – they should be focusing on growing, learning and being happy.”
She says it is essential parents “de-stress” daily. “It has got to be 20 minutes a day – time out in your head, whether you go for a jog or a swim or are sitting on your own looking at the sky.”
As a working mother of two children aged nine and 10, Belshaw swears by planning and daily physical exercise, in her case swimming or horse-riding. “You have to find what makes you happy when you exercise.”
You also have to identify your coping skills – be it exercise, relaxing in front of the television, unloading to a partner or friend – and make sure they are part of your lifestyle, not occasional events.
“That comes back to planning,” she points out, “time is so precious for working mothers.”
The biggest source of stress in her life is herself, she admits. She wants to do everything “brilliantly”, when sometimes just doing it in some fashion would be fine.
She always tells full-time working mothers that they have to be aware of the demands they face – to give 100 per cent at work and 100 per cent at home. “Some can do it and some can’t.”
If they feel continually stressed, they can probably manage for about 10 years before they change jobs, take a career break or get very sick, she adds.
It is the parents’ ability to deal with stress which is crucial from the children’s point of view, says Dr Maeve Hurley. And increased worry usually raises the level of conflict in a home, or vice versa.
While conflict is inevitable in relationships, as we are all different, it is how we manage it that determines whether or not it is going to be damaging to the family.
Physical violence, verbal aggression, or long silences (we’re talking days here, not hours) – “they are the kind of things that are absolutely detrimental to a child’s wellbeing”, she says, “especially if it is about the child because the child might feel responsible”.
A constructive approach to conflict is to sit down together and try to work it out – even if it is just agreeing to disagree.
Hurley, a qualified GP, is co-founder of Ag Eisteacht, a Cork-based, not-for-profit organisation that trains professionals and volunteers working with families to anticipate times when families will struggle and to recognise signals of distress and how to respond to them.
Most people, when they feel distressed, turn to somebody they are in routine contact with, she explains. However, it may take the right question by a practitioner to trigger a much-needed unburdening.
“Early intervention is a very light touch,” says Hurley. People often don’t want to admit they are struggling as a parent or fighting with their partner.
When life is stressful and we feel distracted and overwhelmed, the tendency is to be preoccupied with our problems and forget about what else we have going for us.
“Maybe the going is tough, but we should try and step outside that box and think about what we can do as a family to buffer ourselves from the storm that is going on,” she says. It may simply take a walk together, see a light-hearted film or play a game to lift everybody’s spirits.
It is well-proven that the mental strain of stress can lead to physical illness in an individual, but there is also research that suggests a ripple effect within a family.
For instance, a 2007 study led by Dr Mary Caserta at the University of Rochester Medical Center in New York, found a clear link between anxiety and depression among parents and an increased chance of the children being ill and having a high temperature.
However, these were cases where there were multiple sources of chronic stress in families.
Children with anxious parents are more susceptible to the effects of pollution and have a higher incidence of asthma, concluded researchers from the University of California in another US study.
When Parentline, the confidential helpline, was set up in 1980, it was called simply Parents Under Stress, and was a response to an emerging problem of child abuse. It started as a parent support group, which organised weekly meetings to help young parents.
But in 1983, a phone line was seen as a more immediate and widespread way to help parents.
“The primary aim is to give parents time and attention to offload stress,” says Parentline manager Rita O’Reilly. “It allows parents to have the space and time and somebody there for them, to talk and be listened to in absolute confidence without judgment.”
Parents can be extremely distressed by the behaviour of their children, yet not want to run them down in front of family or friends, says O’Reilly. That is where the value of a confidential listening service comes in.
“Stress is obviously not good for anybody, least of all children,” says O’Reilly. “If the parent makes efforts to relieve their own stress, it is going to relieve the stress in the house and therefore take the effect off the child.”
It is okay, she adds, to discuss in an age-appropriate way what is causing tension in the home.
“Be very careful not to burden them with your stress, but explain why you are feeling like this and what you are going to do to improve matters, and include them in it, in a child-friendly way. That will help them deal with stress as they go forward.”
Take time out to celebrate Parents’ Week, running from October 17th to 23rd. For more information, see parent line.ie or tel: 1890-927277.
COPING WITH STRESS . . . AND STOPPING IT
Acknowledge that you are feeling overwhelmed and look for a listening ear and practical support among family, friends or professionals.
Be mindful of what you are saying and how you are behaving in front of the children.
Control the conversations in your head, so they don’t all come spilling out as you “snowball the scenario” in response to, say, a simple request from a child.
Make sure you get your “de-stressing” quota every day – mental relaxation and/or physical exercise.
Eat healthily and resist the urge to overindulge in comfort foods.
Be organised, it helps maximise the use of your time and energy.
Do not put off making decisions as procrastination can prolong stress – and avoid rehashing the pros and cons once the decision is made.
' HAVING A BABY IS LIKE THROWING A HAND GRENADE INTO A MARRIAGE'
The challenge of becoming parents and coping with the demands of caring for a newborn baby is a significant stress test for any relationship.
“Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage,” US writer Nora Ephron colourfully once said. Even in the best of circumstances, it is tough going; add in health or other complications and the pressures are multiplied.
Two-thirds of new mothers and fathers reported a drop in satisfaction with their relationship after the arrival of their baby, in a University of Washington study. Among couples who didn’t, a key element was their ability to understand what their changed life was like for the other.
Elbha O’Sullivan and her husband Conor were fast-tracked into parenthood when their daughter Éadaoin arrived 10 weeks early at Cork University Maternity Hospital.
“It was a shock to the system,” says Elbha. She was still at work, enjoying the fact that she was getting a bit of a bump, but really hadn’t thought through what was ahead when she was admitted to hospital with stomach pains and diagnosed as having pre-eclampsia.
The baby was fine, but Elbha became very ill with the complication of life-threatening Hellp syndrome and was in and out of ICU. Three weeks later, a Caesarean section was performed to deliver Éadaoin at just under 30 weeks and weighing 1.08 kg (2lbs 6oz).
She needed assistance with breathing, but did not have to be ventilated. However, she developed necrotising enterocolitis, a gastrointestinal disease that mostly affects premature infants.
That prolonged her stay in intensive care to six weeks, followed by two weeks in special care, but she recovered well. Although it was a worrying time, Elbha points out that at least they had the support of the “community of the hospital”.
It became a lot more stressful for the couple after she was discharged on December 20th last year. Suddenly, they were home alone with a tiny, 2.27kg (5lbs) baby, who had not been due until January 5th, worrying was she eating enough.
She also had very bad reflux. “We didn’t know what reflux was. I thought babies cried all the time; Conor thought they didn’t. I told him he needed to toughen up.”
A few weeks later, his mother tentatively suggested to them that it wasn’t right for a baby to cry nine hours straight. They brought her to the GP and he prescribed medication, which alleviated the condition
“It was definitely a learning curve!” says Elbha, and she can laugh about it now.
But she believes that what they have been through as a couple has strengthened their relationship. “We really leaned on each other when she was in hospital.”
During the difficult months that followed, Conor was “brilliant”, she says. “He was very good at making me take a few hours just on my own and I think that’s really important.”
She also pays tribute to both of their families and the support group, Irish Premature Babies, for helping them through.
Anxiety about the long-term effects of prematurity on Éadaoin’s well-being has not entirely gone.
“I suppose you just get used to it,” says Elbha who, at the time of speaking, was looking forward to returning to her job as a senior manager in finance with a software company last week, a year after their lives were changed forever.
