Tom Doorleyreviews Brownes, Dublin 2
In good restaurants it's always reassuring when the dining room runs so smoothly that there is a sense of calm efficiency, a reassurance that everything is under control, and the certain knowledge that the maitre d' is conducting everything with his (or her) invisible baton.
In such places, there is no clattering of plates or clinking of cutlery, just a subdued murmur of conversation as waiting staff sail effortlessly between the tables as if they, the staff, are on castors. For a brief honeymoon period, I thought I was experiencing all this at Brownes. The three of us had each enjoyed a very generous glass of chilled fino sherry in the comfortable and sun-filled ante-room where the staff were very French and very pleasant. We ordered only main courses, none of which would have taken much time, even in the busiest of kitchens. But there was a gap of a good half an hour before our summons to table.
In the dining room there was a group of 10 men in suits and the three of us. It was not a busy dining room, but we had a further wait until our main courses arrived. They were tepid, somewhere in the region of body temperature.
One of us went off-menu and asked for an omelette aux fines herbes, which the kitchen immediately agreed to do. It was pleasant, well charged with finely chopped fresh herbs and cooked - maybe a smidgin too much - in butter. Our only reservation, bar the temperature, was the size. It may have been a two-egg omelette but they must have been pullet's eggs.
I suppose the wild mushroom risotto with "truffel" would have been a much jollier affair had it been piping hot. And it would have looked more generous had the portion been less starter-sized. It had to struggle against these two fairly major disadvantages and it acquitted itself adequately rather than impressively.
My main course appeared on the menu as "Fish and Chips 2006". I am still not sure why, although our friendly French waiter explained. Twice. It just got too embarrassing to keep saying, "yes, but why 2006?".
What it comprised was a few battered batons, so to speak, of haddock, which were arranged in a high-rise fashion, a chunk of dauphinoise potato which had been cut in the kind of fishy shape that is such a big hit with pre-schoolers - and some strands of buttery carrot. Had it all been piping hot it would, possibly, have been quite pleasant.
Instead of pud, we ordered a two plates of cheese and a couple of glasses of Bergerac. The wine arrived eventually and we toyed with it while waiting for the cheese. After a further 20 minutes I got impatient and reminded the waiting staff that we were . . . er . . . waiting. The cheese appeared immediately.
The quiet calm of the dining room seems to have been explained by two things: a paucity of lunchers and staff who appeared only occasionally and, when they did, floated through in a kind of trance-like state. It was if they were doing intensive relaxation exercises in the wings, imagining that they were lying on an empty beach with only the clear blue sky above and the gentle sound . . . Whatever.
The procedure involved in getting the bill was farcical. First time round, I noticed that I had been charged for a dearer bottle of wine. This was altered, with much tapping of a calculator. Second time round, I found that it was somebody else's bill. The calculator suffered a further assault before we got to a bill with what appeared to be the correct amount. And we eventually managed to get our coats.
The bill for three came to €184.70, including a good bottle of white wine, coffee and digestifs. Had everything been really good, even if the food had been hot and the service less catatonic, it might have been worth it. In the event, it was a lot of money for eating in a kind of culinary Tower of Babel. And I still can't figure out the vintage dated fish and chips. u
Brownes, 22 St Stephen's Green, Dublin 2, 01-6383939
Wine Choice
House wine starting at €32.50? To be fair, our Château des Eyssards Bergerac 2003 was very good (we had it by the glass at €6.50). But Château La Grave Minervois for €38.50? You could knock a tenner off and still make a handsome profit. Louis Latour's dull but adequate Macon-Lugny les Genevrieres is simply not worth €46.40, but our rather lovely Crozes-Hermitage Blanc La Mule Blanche from Jaboulet just about merited the €51 we paid for it. At least it was different. I'm not sure that even three Michelin stars would justify paying €71.50 for a Sauvignon Blanc. This price for the Sonoma version from Benziger is crazy. But what really takes the biscuit is the pleasant, juicy Montepulciano d'Abruzzo Zaccagnini (with its vine twig) for €51.