You may give them your love but not your thoughts. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. – On Children, by Kahlil Gibran
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In the last decade, there has been a large increase in the identification of children with neurodivergent or neurodistinct (ND) conditions such as Autism, Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Dyspraxia.
From my perspective, this represents a much-welcomed increased sensitivity to the diverse needs of children who were often misunderstood and who struggled in an education system that did not match their needs.
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While there are some dilemmas around when and how to make diagnoses (which I will address in a later article in this series), it is important to embrace neurodiversity and recognise that many children have different needs that are not met by standard parenting or teaching techniques. Many of the mental health problems and challenges that Autistic, ADHD and other ND children experience can be avoided when we understand their different ways of relating and accommodate their individual needs.
In 2024, I wrote a six-part Irish Times series on a strengths-based and needs-centred approach to parenting neurodivergent children.
Now, I return to this topic with four new articles, exploring:
- Neurodiversity and parenting;
- Looking after your own needs as a parent;
- Relationships as an ND couple;
- Embracing neurodiversity and moving beyond diagnosis.
What is neurodiversity?
Neurodiversity recognises that there is a great variation of nervous systems or neurotypes. Everyone’s brains are uniquely wired and people can experience, perceive and think about the world in very different ways. One person might be highly sensitive to certain sounds, sights and feelings that another person might not notice them at all. Or one person might have a single focus of attention and another might have a rapidly changing one.
However, the human world is not usually set up to accommodate neurodiversity. Society’s norms and rules are usually aligned to neurotypical or average expectations. How we organise our schools, workplaces and communities is based on the needs of the average person. When these norms become rigid, they become oppressive to ND people who learn, work and relate differently. Being neurodiversity-affirming is about embracing many different needs and ways of expressing oneself in the world.
It is important to say that embracing neurodiversity is good for everyone and for all of society. As they perceive, behave and think differently, ND people often make unique contributions in the workplace and in family life or in academic, artistic or sporting endeavours. In addition, most people and even most neurotypical people have unique passions or quirky parts of themselves which are unvalidated and unexpressed in society. Everyone benefits when there is a diversity of expression and more freedom to be your authentic self. Just like in the natural world, where biodiverse systems are much more resilient, healthy and vibrant than monocultures of a single species, so are human societies that welcome diversity and difference.
Parenting a neurodistinct child
As all parents intuitively know, each of their children is unique and each requires a different parenting approach. To be a good parent, the most important thing you can do is build a compassionate understanding of each of your child’s needs. This is especially the case when parenting an ND child whose needs may not be typical or obvious. Being compassionately curious as a parent is the key.
For example, when your child has a meltdown after school, rather than trying to correct this behaviour, it is more important to be empathic and to try and understand what is going on for them. What is going on for them emotionally? Which of their needs are not being met? For example, they might be overwhelmed after a long day in school where they are overstimulated in the sensory environment, or they might be stressed by the social pressures to relate a certain way, or they might be bored/tuned out to the subjects or teaching method, etc. Taking time to understand your child’s needs is the first step to helping them. Then you can know how to help them regulate and to plan how you can try to better meet their needs throughout the day.
Several years ago, I was working with a family who, like many Irish families, went to Spain for a week’s sun holiday. However, their young autistic son was so distressed and cried so much every day that they had to leave the hotel. While this was of course very stressful for the whole family, the parents were in hindsight able to understand how this holiday did not meet their son’s needs. He hated the heat, could not bear the sensory experience of the beach (wet clothes, sand on his feet) and was distressed at the change of routine (not having his own space and away from his preferred food/toys).
As a result, they were able to plan a better holiday the next time (at a cooler time of year in an apartment with his own space where they could cook his food and bring more of his comfort stuff, etc). This new holiday could meet their son’s needs as well as their own needs for a break.
As well as understanding your child’s needs, it is important to also appreciate the strengths that their neurotype brings. You might have an ADHD child who is struggling with the formal rote learning in school, but who comes alive completing detailed deep dives into topics of interest or thrives being involved in physical activities that match his passions, such as drama or sport or through artistic expression via writing, art and music. Allowing a child’s expression of these strengths is what builds their self-esteem and wellbeing and is a sanctuary when going through tough times.
Remember each child is unique and has their own profile of needs and strengths. For example, one child might need routine to feel safe and gets very distressed when a routine changes suddenly. Another child might get agitated with too much routine and needs novelty and change to feel stimulated and energised. And some children might need a bit of both and their needs will vary depending on the environment and their capacity at a given time.
Adapting your parenting to the needs and strengths of your children can make an enormous difference to family relationships. One mother I worked with prioritised family mealtimes as a key routine in family life, which was a value she inherited from her own parents. However, her ND teenage daughter used to be very grumpy during family meals and preferred to eat alone in her room.
The mother used to make an issue of this and insist she sat at the table, which would cause more conflict. When she listened to her daughter, she discovered that she had misophonia – which meant she was intensely agitated by the sounds of other people chewing their food, especially when she was tired. The mother changed the family routine and let her daughter sometimes eat in her room. She would bring her food up and sit at the end of the bed as her daughter ate.
Being more relaxed, her daughter opened up more and talked about what was going on in her world; she was also able to better listen to her mother then, too. The occasional bedside meals became a special connecting time between mother and daughter and worked much better than trying to converse with a grumpy teenager in sensory distress forced to sit at the dinner table.
- This article is the first of a four-part series on “Neurodiversity and Families”. The next article looks at understanding your own needs as a parent, especially when you might be neurodistinct also.
- John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. See solutiontalk.ie and parentsplus.ie
