Say it Loud: I'm Klingon and Proud

A new documentary celebrates the peculiar language of the interplanetary geek, writes Donald Clarke

EARTHLINGS: Ugly Bags of Mostly Water, an informative documentary featuring talking heads with alarmingly bumpy foreheads, has just been released on DVD by Swipe Films. The film, made on the cheap by one Alexandre O Philippe, sets out to investigate the origins, uses and future of the mythical language spoken by the Klingon race in Star Trek.

Now, I have always seen myself as a supporter of the Trek community. In a world where disharmony between formal religions continues to breed violence and unease, the benign nature of the Trekkers' enthusiasms seems worth celebrating. Better that these chaps (and they are mostly chaps) learn an imaginary language than they learn none at all.

That said, the contributors to the documentary tend to look like the sort who would spend their leisure time doing what it is these people actually do. For example, Roger Cheesbro, an intense young man with an uncertain moustache, begins by telling us that his colleagues are often upset by his refusal to greet them civilly when he arrives to work.

Klingons, a martial people, do not indulge in such bourgeois pleasantries; they walk directly up to their fellows and, without any formal prelude, bark out commands, queries or challenges. When a Klingon has finished his conversation, he turns on his heel and stomps off. Imagine Roger pummelling towards you, making some observation concerning the scant reserves of photocopier toner and, without mentioning the fact that you've just given birth to triplets, continuing on his way towards his lonely booth.

This vista becomes more worrying still when Roger, who, amazingly, appears to be married, begins discussing his other great passion. "Not to be boastful, but I am really, really good at paintball," he says before going on to explain how he has the ability to stand before an opponent and, though armed to the teeth, remain entirely invisible. Let's hope his job doesn't put him in the way of any dangerous machinery. What's that you say? He's currently serving in the US Army in Iraq? There's another negative preconception about the American armed forces confirmed.

Anyway, for the most part, the members of the Klingon Language Institute seem to be harmless. And the tale they tell is interesting. While shooting The Wrath of Khan (1982), the excellent second film in the franchise, it became apparent that some words of Vulcan might be required for scenes featuring chatter between beasts of that stoic species.

Marc Okrand, a linguist who had taught at the University of California, drew up a sketchy version of the language. For the following film Okrand was asked to devise a tongue for the Klingons, the angriest race in the universe, and set about combining a guttural vocabulary with syntactic rules derived from Swahili.

Okrand peppered the lexicon with witty jokes. The word for "spoon" incorporates a spoonerism. A Klingon drink similar to root beer is described by a word that echoes the name of the leading US manufacturer of that unlovely beverage.

Surprisingly rapidly the Klingon language began taking hold on our own planet. Swathes of Shakespeare and the Bible have been translated into grunts and gurgles, thus spawning a new, bewilderingly eccentric school of literary criticism. In Earthlings, one contributor discusses how, in dealing with procrastination, a concept foreign to the direct Klingons, Hamlet helps illuminate certain disturbing aspects of the species' collective psyche.

The Klingon Dictionary, first published by Okrand in 1985, is now a sacred text for fans and has long been accepted as an immovable part of the geek canon. Enthusiasts use Klingon rites when getting married. Nearly 8,000 people claim to speak the language.

What a waste of time, you might say. Yet the more you think about it the more useful the Klingon language sounds. English, with its irregular conjugations and vast vocabulary, was suited for gentler times when we spent afternoons strolling in the park or supping pints in brown pubs. Klingon - direct, unforgiving, mechanical - is just the language we need for our new, aggressive nation.

You don't agree? Hab SoSlI' Quch!

Earthlings: Ugly Bags of Mostly Water is out now