Learning ways to deal with conflict is half the battle on the home front

Counselling: Family members spend more time with each other in the holidays, but the stresses of intimacy can lead to conflict. A course run by a veteran of Biafra can help, writes Pádraig Ó Moráin.

The two bachelors who communicate with each other through the dog are probably an anachronism by now - who, any more, has a hearth for a dog to doze at while acting as a communications centre for two people living under the same roof who no longer wish to speak directly? Today, perhaps, they would be more likely to text each other from opposite ends of the apartment.

Wherever people live under the same roof there will be conflict, whether between husband and wife, parent and child, sibling and sibling or any of the many other configurations in which we organise ourselves.

It's all grist to the mill for Father Tony Byrne. "We welcome all people who are living under the same roof who are trying to improve their relationships, trying to handle conflict," he says.

Father Byrne has seen conflict close up in a whole range of trouble spots, from Biafra, where he organised relief airlifts, to South Africa, where he got arrested protesting against apartheid.

But the conflict the Holy Ghost Father is concerned with in Ireland is a more intractable one: conflict in the home.

Together with Sister Kathleen Maguire of the Presentation Order he has been addressing this conflict by running a five-week course which will run in Dublin again in September and October.

What is remarkable about the course - called "Harmony in the Home" - is that more than 300 people attend it whenever it is run and, by and large, they all continue to turn up for the full five nights of the course in St Mary's College, Rathmines.

But first, let's get the priest and nun thing out of the way. Is this another example of priests and nuns telling married people how to get on in a relationship of a kind in which they themselves have never participated?

First of all, they reply, the course is not just about married couples. It is about anybody living under the one roof and having conflicts. As well as married couples, says Father Byrne, the participants "could be lesbians, could be homosexuals, could be people in second relationships, could be single parents, could be people living in apartments".

People in an apartment? "It could be three or four girls living together in a home, sharing the same kitchen," says Sister Kathleen.

"We're trying to reach out to new models of homes, not just the traditional Irish family, because we feel these people deserve some attention and need some assistance," says Father Byrne. As for priests and nuns, "many people don't realise priests and nuns come from homes. And they live under the same roof in our communities."

"This course is for everyone living under a roof and included in this is ourselves, because wherever people live together you get conflict," says Sister Kathleen.

"What I stress a lot is that conflict is part of living," says Father Byrne. "Conflict can destroy you or it can help you to grow." People good at communicating can "find it hard to communicate in a conflict".

People taking part in the course are encouraged to listen for and acknowledge each other's feelings instead of jumping to a solution.

It's easier said than done. Irish people "are terrified of feelings," Father Byrne says. "When I was a seminarian, we were told be careful of the emotions. The emotions were devilish or something."

The course begins with a talk on "human relations in the home" from John Lonergan, governor of Mountjoy Prison. "John talks about the difference between a house and a home and does it beautifully," says Sister Kathleen.

Father Byrne likes to quote John Lonergan's statement that he never met anybody totally bad inside prison or anybody totally good outside it.

Other speakers include Dr Bernadette Mangan, a consultant psychiatrist whose speciality is stress; Ms Mary Lloyd, co-ordinator of the Family Mediation Service; Ms Anne Dunne SC, a family law barrister; and Ms Marie Murray, a clinical psychologist.

One of the great advantages of the course, says Sister Kathleen, is that participants feel there's safety in numbers. With 320 people in the room, nobody is going to get singled out and there are no one-to-one sessions.

"Generally people are very happy that they don't have to have a one-to-one confrontation in a small group," she says.

Later, as a result of what they have learned on the course, they may decide they want to go into a more intimate counselling situation.

Each session begins with a period of quiet reflection, followed by a talk and questions. A life without reflection is a life not worth living, asserts Father Byrne.

Still, reflection is not exactly in the spirit of the modern age. "We say to people, we're not forcing you to do this reflection. You don't have to. The effect is amazing."

The course, a joint project of the Holy Ghost Fathers and the Presentation Sisters, runs every Tuesday night for five weeks in St Mary's College, Rathmines, Dublin 6, starting on September 10th. The cost is €50. To register, ring 01-8380157 or 086-8052576 or write to the Course Director, 3 Cabra Grove, Dublin 7.