Finding love on a laptop

There  is nothing that quite sets the relationship cynic's teeth on edge as the idea of finding love on the Internet. The apparent simplicity of it goes against all the rules of love. Hell, these days the very concept of meeting a Mr/Ms Right is almost an urban myth. So why is it that so many young, single people are choosing the precarious path of online love? asks Kusi Okamura

There  is nothing that quite sets the relationship cynic's teeth on edge as the idea of finding love on the Internet. The apparent simplicity of it goes against all the rules of love. Hell, these days the very concept of meeting a Mr/Ms Right is almost an urban myth.

So why is it that so many young, single people are choosing the precarious path of online love? Why is a new generation of Irish singles now making online dating agencies its new hangout? Looking for love or friendship on the web is not a sign of failing to succeed in the real world. There is a new "go-getter" attitude out there, with singles knowing exactly what they want from both their life and loves - and wanting to be in control of the dating process.

Maybefriends.com is one of Ireland's first Internet dating agencies. Set up more than two years ago by Jill McGrath, a former marketing director with FM 104, it neatly filled a gap in the thirtysomething, professional market. Since then, more than 12,000 people have registered with the site and it boasts up to 3,500 active members at any one time.

Aimed at single professionals in their 30s and 40s, for a monthly fee of €12.95, the site allows members to tailor their requirements of their ideal man or woman to include anything from level of education attained to what car they drive. They can also socialise through the chatroom and organised social events, and the message board has a real community feeling - with members setting up nights out and thanking each other for social events just gone.

Although five couples who "met" on the website have become engaged, it is the social aspect which is the site's biggest draw, says McGrath. "It's not just about finding someone. Friendship is probably what people get most from the site."

On rsvp.ie, the Esat/BT online dating service, the members themselves are the main organisers of the events. Don Cronin from Esat/BT explains that members have "full control" and that the site is there to accommodate their needs.

Rsvp.ie also provides another option for "the uninhibited dater". Set up just over four months ago, it now has more than 10,000 people registered, with 7,500 active members. A more "racy" site, this is aimed at a new generation of Irish dater with an "Intimate" section offering members the chance to outline what they are looking for in an "encounter".

Unsurprisingly, many male profiles mention "one-night stands", while more adventurous types are looking for "submission and domination". What is surprising though, is how open all the profiles are - all have photos and one even admits to Mariah Carey getting him "in the groove". Brave, indeed.

At its best, the anonymity of the Internet presents a safe and secure environment. But - some would say - the flipside is that it is not a realistic dating situation. So how do web-daters move the online relationship into an offline one-to-one? maybefriends.com offers its members a few handy dating tips such as not relying too much on "Dutch courage" (i.e. booze) and going somewhere "familiar, with plenty of people". They also suggest that personal details such as addresses should be left till "you know each other longer". In fact, these common sense tips could be applied to any dating situation with a stranger, whether it was conceived on the Internet or in the pub.

But how often does the online profile of the "perfect match" actually live up to the real thing? Both website organisers believe that the registration fee and the time and effort involved in composing a profile ensure that the majority of members are genuine. However, most members don't just rely on the profiles; e-mail communication proves more revealing. One member of maybefriends.com said she was surprised at how quickly she was able to get to know someone through e-mail and could judge more or less from the first few lines if she wanted to meet them.

Another member of maybefriends.com described the site as a "great confidence booster" because these sites are a celebration of singledom. In online dating, the single person is good - but a single person who knows what he/she wants is even better.

A common theme in the profiles of both maybefriends.com and rsvp.ie members is that singletons are sick of trying to meet people in the pub or a nightclub - and looking for an alternative to the drinking culture. One rsvp.ie member said that since he had stopped going to nightclubs, he found it increasingly difficult to meet anyone new.

Before the Internet, if an Irish single had cut the nightclub or pub from their social outings, there would have been very little opportunity to socialise. But now Irish singles can take the dating process out of the lap of the gods and onto their laptops.

Man seeking woman

Name: John

Age: 34

Online dating site: www.rsvp.ie - joined shortly after it was set up "just for a laugh".

Favourite online dating moment: He met a "nice girl". After e-mailing through the site for a while, they decided to continue their online relationship in the privacy of their Hotmail accounts. They sent each other their photos and decided to meet. They then continued seeing each other for about two months before deciding to go their separate ways.

Least favourite online dating moment: He began corresponding with another girl and again decided to progress to Hotmail. After swapping photographs, he was less enthusiastic about their relationship. Unfortunately, though his e-mails became less frequent, hers became more frequent and intense. He also received text messages to his mobile phone. "It wasn't exactly stalking but just worrying."

What I got most from the site: "You realise that there are a lot of people in their 30s who are single and that it is very hard to meet someone."

What I would most like from the site: "It's really just a bit of fun for me, though it would be nice to meet someone."

Woman seeking man

Name: Lorraine

Age: 31

Online dating site: www.maybefriends.com - joined seven months ago.

Why I joined: "I had finished a long-term relationship just over a year ago and felt ready to meet someone new, but all my friends are either married or in long-term relationships. There wasn't really the chance to meet new single people."

Online dating because: It fit into her lifestyle - she uses a computer in work and is comfortable with e-mail. Also, she has never been keen on the idea of a singles night out and likes the anonymity of online dating.

Favourite online dating moment no.1: After receiving a few e-mails, one person stood out. After corresponding for a while, she agreed to meet up - having neither spoken with him nor exchanged photos.

She did, however, take precautions, deciding to meet for an hour with no obligations to stay any longer if it wasn't working out. She made sure to go where the barman knew her and also told all her friends where she was.

She was "very relieved, not only because of his appearance, but because of the type of person he was. He was a lovely guy." Unfortunately, it only lasted a few weeks.

Favourite online dating moment no.2: She recently met another guy after corresponding by e-mail. She describes herself as "completely smitten" and is considering taking her profile off the site.

Least favourite online dating moment: Received a message from a company director (46) looking for a "discrete relationship".

My advice: "I would recommend this type of dating to anyone because you have nothing to lose. Just be smart, and have no expectations and it can only go uphill from there."