David's dinner party dilemma

According TO my esteemed colleague, Deaglan de Breadun, the Ulster Unionist Party leader, David Trimble, is (in terms of the Stormont talks) "like a man invited to a dinner party who sees his worst enemy sitting across the table but feels he cannot leave for fear of giving offence to the host". Dinner party etiquette is complicated enough at the best of times but is most trying in such circumstances. I ought to know: David's dilemma is one I myself have encountered on more than one occasion, so I feel I may offer some useful advice. If one is aware that the enemy is known to be fond of a drop, it is not a bad idea to begin by immediately pouring a glass of water for the fellow, with the gracious stage-whispered words, "I know you're off the drink". He is the one now faced with a dilemma: either he must deny he ever stopped drinking (which is going to sound strange), or quaff tasteless designer water all evening, or refuse the water and allow you to comment casually - "Oh, you're back on the drink then?" I have used this ploy successfully on a number of occasions: the important thing is to grab the initiative and move fast. Otherwise the thing can backfire badly. But do the job right and you will have an irretrievable advantage for the rest of the evening. At one particular dinner party out in Blackrock, not one but three of my worst enemies were ranged directly opposite. This time the situation was obviously more complicated: it wasn't a question of giving offence to the host, as the host was one of the enemies, and I had accepted the invitation (sent merely for appearances' sake) just to irritate the fellow. Basically, my strategy this time was to regularly detonate little canisters of conversational bile and innuendo, all with the purpose of turning my three enemies against each other. This "divide and conquer" ploy worked so well that everyone else (including myself) enjoyed the party thoroughly, the principal amusement being the extreme discomfiture of the enemy trio. Mr Trimble is bravely sitting out the situation and deserves great credit for that. Someone else has described his situation as that of a person who cannot decide which particular train to take - and puts off the decision until the very last train is pulling out of the station. Unfortunately, I can offer no advice here, as I only use the train very infrequently.

Right. Now to a more important matter - the Presidency. It is rather disturbing to read suggestions by various parties that we should be seeking - indeed that we deserve - what amounts to a "bigger and better" Presidency than ever before, with more embracing and out-reaching than ever. Why is it that we can never be content with the way we are, but must always seek superficially higher standards in everything? For example, we have now got a new marine research vessel, the Celtic Voyager, which, according to the relevant Minister, will carry Irish marine research "up to and beyond standards in other European maritime states".

Such a boast surely betrays a rather insensitive attitude to our European neighbours. And one might imagine some tribute would be paid to the former vessel and its years of gallant service, but not a bit of it: the 24-year-old Lough Beltra was apparently "completely inadequate" for the Marine Institute's means and would be remembered "with nostalgia rather than regret".

What has this got to do with the Presidency? Well, it is merely that such attitudes may indicate why Mrs Robinson was wise to resign when she did. Similarly there is much talk about selecting only "top-class" people for the job in the park. This again is insensitive, reminiscent of the recent controversy over the media focus on "top" students when the Junior and Senior Cert results came out. The point is that ordinary people have their place too, and there is no reason why one of those places should be the Aras. Our President would not have to speak for the man in the street if the man in the street was in the Aras speaking for himself. Or herself, of course. It has become clear too that many ordinary people are unhappy with the limited ways in which presidential candidates can be selected. There is really no reason why the battle for supreme office should not be fought out along the same lines as GAA championships, on a county basis, with regional play-offs leading to an all-Ireland final.