Con Text

Bed and Breakfast Deal

Hi, I hear you have some empty rooms you need to fill up.

You’ve come to the right place, sir. We’ve lots of vacancies. How many are you?

Oh, about seven billion.

Seven billion?

Yes, is that a problem?

No, no, sir. In fact, that’s an ideal number. We would be only delighted to accommodate you. We might have to move things round a bit, and it might be a bit of a squeeze, but I’m sure we can fit all of you in. You won’t be staying for long anyway.

Just a short visit, then we’ll be going straight back home. We hear you’ve got your year-end accounts coming up, and have a one-night only special. We wanted to help out, maybe even do a bit of redecorating while we’re here, just to make the place look ship-shape before then.

Well, that’s very generous of you, sir. We do need someone to help plaster over the cracks, cover up a few gaping holes. It’s very important to keep up appearances, you know.

Yes, and once the work is done then we’ll go straight back home.

Er, could I suggest a circuitous route home, sir, just for a change of scenery? We thought it would be nice if, when you go back, people think you’ve come from a different place altogether.

Good idea. Now, then, we’d like your finest suite overlooking the IFSC.

Er, perhaps sir would prefer somewhere a little more private? Somewhere near the back, where you won’t be seen? We don’t want to attract any attention, you see.

Of course, of course. We’ll be very discreet.

We want you to be able to come and go without any prying eyes watching your every move. We don’t want nosey parkers such as the media adding two and two, and coming up with seven billion.

That sounds very satisfactory.

Er, just one word of warning, sir. We have a convention of auditors who arrived yesterday, completely unannounced. They’re very fussy. They expect everything to be just so, and they don’t like anything out of place. They’ll latch onto the tiniest little details, such as a few missing millions here and there, and then go on about it ad nauseam.

Frankly, they’re more trouble than they’re worth. But this lot insisted, and we couldn’t say no. They’ve been running wild – swarming around the place, asking our guests some very personal questions, and barging into everyone’s room without a by-your-leave. No respect for privacy. Best to keep your door locked and your curtains closed while you’re here, and leave by the back stairs.

Thanks for the warning. What time is breakfast?

Seven until ten. So that’s a full Irish for seven billion?

Yes, please – with scrambled eggs. By the way, while we were coming in, we spotted a worried-looking fella in a crumpled suit skulking around outside. Is he a private detective?

Him? Oh, don’t worry about him, sir. He’s just the Minister for Finance. You could drive a tank filled with gold bullion through here and he wouldn’t even bat an eyelid.

Try at work:"This one's called a 'youth hostel' deal – you deposit the money in your kid's piggybank."

Try at home: "I wouldn't mind, but the money doesn't even spend five minutes in my account before my wife spends it."