Mick O'Leary's top 10 tips for Iarnrod Eireann

Business Opinion: The scene opens. We are in the board room of Iarnród Éireann at Heuston Station. Gathered round the table are the company's most senior managers. They are holding an emergency meeting to discuss Ryanair's plans to start flying from Dublin to Cork and undercutting the national rail company on the route.

First executive (the boss): Lads... we're sorted. Didn't that big fool Michael O'Leary go and give a speech last week at some breakfast meeting with business types in which he listed his top 10 tips for business. All we have to do is implement them and we will have them on the run. Simple.

Second executive: Fantastic. What did he say?

First executive (fumbling in his briefcase for newspaper clipping): I have it here somewhere. Let's see... number one, always stay hungry.

Second executive: Don't suppose he means dropping the restaurant car on the Cork route?

First executive (very droll): No, it says here what he means is you won't get anywhere settling for mediocrity or simply getting by..

Second executive: Hmm... what's the next tip?

First executive: Be wrong.

Third executive (brightly): Oh, really! That we can do.

First executive: Yes, it says he advised managers to keep on making decisions and bear in mind that they will be wrong 50 per cent of the time. Ah! Now, we are on to something.

Second executive: Absolutely. I'm sure we can get more than 50 per cent of our decisions wrong.

First executive: Not that simple I'm afraid. Tip number three is recognise you are wrong, and stop doing whatever it is that is wrong.

Third executive: Errr....

First executive: Come on. Be positive. Throw me over than annual report, there must be something we're doing wrong.

Let's see... payroll costs up from €223 million to €230 million in 2004. Not too bad. Revenues up by €2 million. Good.

Surplus down marginally from €8.7 million to €8.3 million. Pretty respectable.

This is harder than you might think. No wonder they pay O'Leary all that money. Can any of you see something we are doing wrong?

Second executive: Well, there is the deficit?

First executive: But it fell by 3.5 per cent last year.

Second executive: It's still €198 million.

First executive: Moving on... tip number four. Be decisive.

Third executive: What's tip number five?

First executive. Good decision. I like it.

Now... number five. Shoot consultants and advertising agency specialists.

Second executive: That could be tricky.

First executive. You are telling me. Those guys can really run fast.

Second executive. No. I mean if we get rid of consultants we might have to take responsibility for some decisions ourselves.

First executive: Like extending commuter lines in Meath and Cork? Or the underground link between Heuston and the city centre?

Second executive: Exactly. Don't forget the western rail corridor or closing the Limerick-Rosslare freight line.

First executive: This is not going well. There must be some tips we can use. Let's see. Number six. Be revolutionary.

Second executive: Revolutionary. Ummm. Well we do have the train drivers, but they haven't been the same since Brendan Ogle left for the ESB.

First executive (wearily): Number seven. Pay your people better. Ooh! This bit I like... didn't our average wage jump from €38,350 to €41,230 last year?

Second executive: I think what O'Leary means there is that you get something back in return for the extra money.

Third executive (with note of incredulity): You're not serious?

Second executive: I'm afraid so.

First executive: OK... let's keep moving... tip number eight. Something about firms blowing themselves up because they were content to be big fish in a small Dublin pond.

Second executive: That doesn't apply to us, we have a national network. What's number nine?

Third executive: He said successful business people should keep their feet firmly on the ground.

Second executive: I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

First executive: Right. Let's get this over with... the last tip ... always fight the Government and the public sector.

Second executive: I suppose the first bit is possible, but the second part is impossible. We are the public sector..

Third executive: Well... think about this.

If we fought the Government they would cut off our subsidy. And that would put us on the road to commercial self-destruction, which would mean that we're kind of fighting the public sector too...

All three executives (in unison after long pause): We are so screwed!

Second executive (a note of panic creeping into his voice): What are we going to do, boss?

First executive (speaking in a hoarse croak): Who's got the telephone number for Deloittes?