Mastering the art of talking rot to survive a crisis

People in positions of authority increasingly resort to talking different forms of rot when they are faced with difficult situations in business, writes LUCY KELLAWAY

WHEN FINANCIAL markets are crumbling and banks are crashing, the natural response of people in positions of authority is to talk rot.

Two weeks ago, Bear Stearns adamantly denied it faced a liquidity crisis.

The next minute, it was being bailed out by JPMorgan.

Meanwhile, politicians and central bankers were tying themselves in verbal knots trying to reassure: Hank Paulson heroically came up with a new noun - a downclimb - in order to avoid saying the word recession.

This sort of talk is, of course, rot; but it is understandable rot. The point is to shore up confidence.

The same can't be said for other sorts of business rot. Inspired by Mr Paulson et al, I have been hard at work compiling a rot analysis of business talk, looking at phrases that mean just the opposite of what they pretend to mean.

These phrases, I've found, fall neatly into seven different categories of rot; some good, some bad but nearly all ugly.

The first category is Useful Rot. Shoring-up-markets rot falls into this group. It doesn't always work, as the Bear Stearns management found, but it is worth a go.

Useful Rot is also deployed when big people are sacked from big jobs.

Last week, I came across the following rot-rich announcement from a leading UK institution.

"It is with regret I announce that Mr X is leaving Institution Y by mutual agreement at the end of April. Mr X has been an outstanding colleague who has contributed much to the organisation I am sure you will join me in wishing him all the best for the future."

There are four rotten sections in this peach of an announcement. "It is with regret" means it is with relief. "By mutual agreement" means we fired him but have agreed that neither of us will talk to the press.

Mr X "has been an outstanding colleague" means anything but; indeed, the greater the protestations about the departing person's marvellousness, the greater the joy to be seeing the back of them.

"I know you will join me in" means I don't care what you actually think, but I am the boss around here and I am telling you what the public line is.

There is a lot of rot here, but it is good rot. We know these are lies but the formula saves on legal costs and makes dismissal less brutal.

People who have been fired don't need the extra indignity of a savage farewell.

A second category of good rot is Polite Rot. The English language is full of this, and very nice it is too. "I will bear that in mind" is a polite way of saying I am going to ignore that altogether.

To ask: "What was the thinking behind that?" is nicer than: were you on drugs when you came up with such a harebrained idea? There are many other examples of polite rot: "up to a point" (not at all); "I hear what you say" (I disagree); and, in resignation letters, "I'm going to miss working with so many talented people", which means I can't wait to get out of here. There is only one problem with Polite Rot: it discriminates against foreigners, who take it literally.

The third category is Insincere Rot. This goes a few steps beyond Polite Rot and jars. "With respect" insults because the lack of respect in what follows slaps one mercilessly around the face.

E-mails from strangers signed "warmest personal regards" jar, too, as the regards are neither warm nor personal and make the overall effect somewhat chilling.

Insincere rot is also to be found in a rejection letter: "We wish you every success in your future career" compounds the sting of the rejection by implying that the company never wants you to darken its doorstep again.

Still worse is Rot That Creates False Expectations. "I'll get back to you on that" means I want to forget about that altogether. "I'm going to say a few words" means I am going to say a great many.

Similarly, "Don't worry, I'm not going to give a speech" means I am going to give a speech but I haven't prepared it properly.

Next comes Misleading Rot. Companies rely on this sort of rot when announcing results.

The two most telling words here are challenge, which means insurmountable obstacle, and consolidation - as in "2008 will be a year of consolidation" - which means we are going to do badly next year. Mostly shareholders understand this code but it might be better if companies told it straight.

Moving further down the scale of offence comes Rot That Inspires Cynicism. This is the most popular and most corrosive form of corporate rot. There is no end to it. "Our people are our most valuable asset." "Your call is important to us." "The customer is king." These mean: we are saying these things because we like the sound of them. Worst is "We are sorry for any inconvenience caused" when spoken by a machine.

Finally, and most dangerously, is Rot That Stacks Up Problems For The Future. I frequently get caught out by "let's have lunch" which I sometimes say to people only to find they don't know this means let's not, and they whip out their diaries to make a date.

A more serious example of this rot comes in employee appraisals. You tell underperforming underlings rot because it is easier. Then you are done for. You say they have been "satisfactory" and, when you subsequently fire them, are surprised that their lawyers don't seem to understand that "satisfactory" meant unsatisfactory.