Changing our behaviour for the long term

No one can make us change unless we truly want to change. It cannot be dictated, demanded or otherwise forced upon us.

While this may appear obvious, Marshall Goldsmith, a leading expert on transformational change, notes in this book that from his extensive experience of client failures, one conclusion leaps out: some people say that they want to change but they don't really mean it.

The problem for many of us is that we fall back on a set of beliefs that trigger denial, resistance and ultimately self-delusion. More than an excuse, our inner beliefs determine failure before it happens, sabotaging lasting change before it happens. These beliefs are what the author calls “triggers”.

Goldsmith is supremely confident in the efficacy of his approach. “Everything that I am going to suggest in this book works. It doesn’t kind of work or sort of work. It works,” he writes.

So where’s the beef?

Goldsmith suggests that we start with structure and discipline, something that is often belittled. He quotes an example of a study of a simple five-point system followed in a US acute hospital setting. Strictly rote-following the hygiene procedures outlined resulted in a virtual disappearance of infections associated with inserting a central line to the patient. Yet doctors thought the constant reminder of this system – especially from nurses – was demeaning and resisted it. This response reveals three impulses, contempt for simplicity, contempt for instruction and our faith, however unfounded, that we can succeed all by ourselves.

That’s just one set of false presumptions. Add to that the delusion that we have all the time in the world to achieve goals, that we can maintain levels of motivation and won’t get distracted, epiphanies will somehow change our lives, that change will be permanent and will make us happy, that eliminating old problems won’t result in new ones or even that life is fair.

Environment

One of the biggest obstacles in our lives is our environment. We think we control it and are in sync with it but we are not. Spent time with mean-spirited, negative people and that will affect your feelings of positivity and goodwill. Sometimes even subtle changes can have profound effects.

Goldsmith, a popular conference speaker, tells us how he likes to have the room temperature turned down, having noticed how heat can affect energy and concentration levels.

Pick a behavioural goal, it is suggested, and then make a list of all the people and circumstances that prevent you from reaching it and then eliminate same. For example, if your goal is to spend more time with your children in the evening and you identify that you have a colleague who swings by your desk and encourages you to go to the pub, then you need to find a way of avoiding that person.

Goldsmith says that in pursuing any behavioural change we have four options, namely; creating, preserving, eliminating and accepting.

Creating is the glamorous end of change and spans a spectrum from adding to inventing things that will assist us in our goals. Preserving sounds mundane but is no less important. It involves identifying what has served us well and having the discipline to refrain from abandoning it for something new and shiny and not necessarily better. This is potentially problematic for high achievers. Successful people, by definition, are doing a lot of things correctly, so they have a lot to preserve. Conversely, they have a bias for advancement and are geared to fight the status quo, a process that involves risking losing some desirable qualities.

Eliminating is a liberating, therapeutic action but we do it reluctantly. It may involve letting go of a security blanket. The real test is sacrificing something we enjoy doing that’s not ostensibly harming our career. Accepting, meanwhile, is especially difficult for businesspeople geared to not admitting defeat.

Goldsmith offers a few other tricks from his coaching handbook. Asking for help is a magic move, he says. Few people will refuse your sincere plea for help and it helps sustain the change process. Showing optimism is another. People are automatically drawn to the optimistic person who believes everything will work out while asking active, as opposed to passive, questions is a further winning strategy.

Change is difficult and challenges are generally underestimated and for those who feel they can sneak out of them, the author has the following warning: while our slow and steady improvement may not be obvious to everyone, when we revert to our previous behaviour, everyone notices.