Beating the crowds and hassles of Christmas shopping

Take out your chequebook and leave everything blank - just sign your name at the bottom.

That's it! The hard part of the Christmas shopping is over. All you have to do now is read through this page until you come to something that amuses you. Then pick up the telephone and tell the shop where you'll leave the cheque when they deliver the item.

There is, of course, an alternative. You have an inalienable right to shop, to fondle the merchandise in person, and to quiz the bored and under-motivated sales staff on the merits of each product.

The problem is that so do millions of others and it appears they have all chosen to exercise this right on the same street and at the same time.

But, even if you follow faithfully the steps laid out ahead, you will need to do some mental preparation.

For amateurs, presents are difficult. One typical mistake is trying to choose something appropriate for the recipient. This ludicrous idea can waste hours of your time. Just ask yourself: would you like to receive something appropriate or something slightly excessive and inappropriate?

Another potentially fatal notion is that you should know when you buy something precisely who will receive it. This is just a sneakier version of "choosing something appropriate" and will suck all your time into a tinsel-lined black hole until it is too late.

Finally, there is the lethal practice of placing monetary limits on different categories of gift receivers. What do you live in, a cave? Were you kidnapped by aliens for the Budget? Stop worrying - you'll be getting lots of extra dosh when the tax cuts kick in on April 1st, plus saving on VAT from January.

So, just to limber up, let's start with a few gifts under £100 (€127).

Take the £35 Remington Barbershop Hair Clipper, for example, and the joy it might spread to any parent. Especially parents of boys under the age of, say, 45. Until now, they have to listen to the kids whining at weekends about how every other boy in the world has been shorn until he looks like a miniature Roy Keane.

Now, with your fabulous gift, they will be able to administer a professional-looking shearing without having to queue in Peter Marks for an hour. Why, the lads can also use it to terrorise their sisters or, better still, change Barbie's "look" forever.

The set comes in an impressive, hard-sided, silver box, the kind you might expect to find President Bill Clinton's red, nuclear bomb button. Inside is not only the electric clippers, but also a pair of scissors, other accessories and an instructional video on how to cut hair at home.

Then there's the £70 Tefal Le Saucier, the gift that screams: "Invite me over for dinner!"

This handy device keeps any sauce at that perfect sub-boiling temperature, gently stirring up to a litre of liquid. This removes your host from the drudgery of standing over the cooker watching the sauce like an automaton, allowing him to roam freely as far as the drinks cabinet and concentrate on mixing the martinis.

Or should you consider the £100 Scholl full-size Cushion Massager? In a survey carried out exclusively for this article, this device received the ultimate confidential shop-assistant accolade: "It actually works."

Said to be the first fully adjustable massager cushion, it fits over any chair and massages away all the aches and pains of the day. It also works in cars - you just plug it into the cigarette lighter.

Now that you're a bit more relaxed, we'll take a look at a few little trinkets under the £1,000 mark.

Like the £349 Mitsubishi Internet TV. This looks like a normal 14-inch TV but, when you plug a telephone cable into the back of it, you can connect to the Internet. It comes with its own Internet service provider, so you'll just pay the normal price for a local phone call.

Your remote control flips open to reveal a small keyboard, so you can use web-based e-mail and type in Internet addresses. And while waiting for the pages to load, you can, guess what, watch TV.

Or perhaps your cronies are more the counter-revolutionary type. If so, there is the original, 1934 Automatic Electric telephone, with the brass inlays on its comforting, weighty handset. The receiver, dial mechanism and bell still work as perfectly as they do in those old movies; the only addition is the modern plug.

Its polar opposite is the £625 Nokia 8850, the Lamborghini of mobile phones. It is small, exquisite and cool, with an eyecatching white backlight for its keypad. The 8890 version, which is the same price, works in the US as well as Europe.

Another beautiful high-tech toy is the £600 Canon Ixus digital camera. Chrome and beautiful, it is small enough to slip in a jacket pocket but still takes digital pictures good enough to reproduce perfectly on an A4 sheet. It has the all-important USB connection, so you can load the pictures straight onto a PC or laptop.

A contender for this year's gorgeous gadget award is the £639 Compaq IPAQ pocket computer. Slender and, of course, chrome, it uses the latest cut-down version of Microsoft Windows, allowing access to email, Word documents and spreadsheets. Its bright, highcontrast screen lets you read "ebooks" without going blind. It also has a built-in MP3 player, which means that bad, lawless types can use it to listen to illegally downloaded songs while on the move.

But why stop at £1,000, when you can do a whole lot more damage than that to your relationship with the bank manager?

Is there no one in your life who would enjoy the £1,300 Louis Vuitton Boite Pharmacie beauty case? The wood is treated for 10 years before it is made, by hand and with immense love, into a box, replete with one hundred tiny brass nails fittings, leather hoops for moisturisers and the like.

This all takes place in the original Louis Vuitton home, on Paris's (wait for it) rue Louis Vuitton. Here, they keep the number of your case's lock, and should you, at any time in your long and beautiful life, lose the key, they will rush you a replacement.

Perhaps you know another original home that could do with some sprucing up, with a £16,000 Sony entertainment system? This will involve a large flat-screen television, a DVD player and several speakers embedded in the walls for that surround-sound sensation.

If the object of your affections just wants the flat-screen television, think of the £18,000 Loewe version. Sleek and black, it has a 42-inch plasma screen and easy-to-use programming.

There's a handy extra button on the remote control that operates its motorised stand; the TV swivels around to position itself perfectly to whatever chair you happen to be in.

For the ultimate in home entertainment this year, however, look no further than the £60,000 Sharp 60-inch television. Hand-made in Japan, it uses a new type of rear projection and is said to operate four times faster than its rivals. This gives a bright, crystal-clear image from any angle.

So, feeling better? All you have to do is count the number of people you have to give presents to and buy that number, right now. Then it will be over and you'll be such a hero on Christmas Day.

Most of the gifts mentioned are widely available. The Louis Vuitton Boite Pharmacie and the televisions are available at Brown Thomas, while the 1934 telephone can be found in the Telephone Centre on Dublin's Dawson Street.