Professional attitude not enough

Here at Golf Masters headquarters we are honoured, nay humbled, to discover that a fully-qualified member of the PGA and the USPGA has decided to join our tour. First we had to check the rules of course and get clearance from the International Federation of Golf Tours but once the paperwork was in order we were happy to welcome Jane Leavy to the ranks of our managers.

Leavy first qualified with the USPGA when working out of "The Creek" on Long Island, New York and is currently back in her native Dublin teaching full-time at Spawell. She displayed some Golf Masters naivete in thinking that the mere presence of Niclas Fasth and Tiger Woods in her "JML 3" selection would be enough to secure a weekly prize. But competition on this tour is tough and the under-performing Padraig Harrington and Wayne Riley dragged her down to 18th. Still, for a promising start in a rookie season, our first polo shirt of the year goes to Jane.

A group of people in no need of our polo shirts are "Funk's Punks". They sound like a Golf Masters team but don't bother looking for them on our leader-boards because they are in fact a group of around 300 who devote a lot of their time to all matters relating to the five-time winner on the US Tour, Fred Funk.

"Follow" is actually an understatement. This week's TPC is like their annual convention and if Funk goes well TV pictures will probably show the Punks in their identical, customised polo shirts tracking his every move around the Sawgrass course. Founder-punk Tom Zitiello has a house beside the fourth tee where the faithful gather for lunch and dinner each day and Funk has been known to drop by when live bands provide entertainment (funk rock we assume). If he takes the top prize of over $1m this week then Funk can surely buy them all sweatshirts or blazers. For the first time this season our managers are vying for bonus money, with all TPC winnings automatically increased by 50 per cent.