Planet Soccer

Quotes of the week

“I don’t understand the meaning of the ‘squeaky’.”

– Rafa Benitez on Alex Ferguson’s description for tense title races: squeaky bum time.

“The thing about Alan Shearer is that he will have the players eating with black and white knives and forks, driving black and white cars, everything will be black and white. He has black and white in his veins.”

– Paul Gascoigne, suggesting Shearer needs to see a doctor.

“We watched the 50 greatest Premier League Goals on the team bus – and Sully must have been in 49 of them.”

– Doncaster’s Richie Wellens on his team-mate, goalkeeper Neil Sullivan.

“I said they’d be static if they didn’t start moving . . .”

– Terry Venables, as heard by a BBC Online contributor, on Slovakia’s defence. He had a point.

“This team is on the way to becoming more famous than The Beatles.”

– Liverpool’s Alvaro Arbeloa on Rafa’s Fab 11.

“Training Inter, I feel like Robin Hood. Even Jesus Christ wasn’t liked by everyone. What hope is there for me?”

– Jose Mourinho, at a loss to understand why all of Italy doesn’t view him as the Messiah.

“I have won 13 titles. It’s clear that for a trainer who has won nothing, the Italian Super Cup becomes a great trophy.”

– Jose again, paying yet another warm tribute to Claudio Ranieri.

“There are moments a coach needs to take a stone and throw it at the water so that – Boom! Everything changes.”

– Giovanni Trapattoni explaining why he used early substitutions against Italy. We think.

“It’s true the president of Real Madrid called me personally – we spoke on the phone. But I never gave him my word that I was going to sign for Real Madrid. He asked about my progress and that was it.”

– Cesc Fabregas on his harmless chat with Ramon Calderon.

“We are going to Montenegro to win. What do I know about their players? They have lots of ‘ic’ names.”

– Italian manager Marcello Lippi shows off his knowledge of Balkan football.

Salako recalls Gascoigne's dirty play

HE HAS his problems these days, of course, but back when he was playing Paul Gascoigne made quite an impression on his team-mates, none more so than John Salako, the former Crystal Palace (plus about another 96 clubs) winger who won five England caps.

In an interview with Talksport magazine last week, Salako spoke of his excitement when first called up to the England squad and when he was told his strip had been left for him in his bedroom. Off he went to have a look at it. “I went back to the room and found Gazza had defecated in my shorts,” he said.

Good. Lord.

Fahey's a jolly good fellow

GOOD TO see at least one chant has crossed the Irish Sea and landed at Birmingham City. St Patrick’s Athletic and Drogheda old boy Keith Fahey is being feted this weather by Birmingham fans, having impressed since making his debut in January.

All together now: “Fahey’s a jolly good fellow, Fahey’s a jolly good fellow, Fahey’s a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us.”

Duff unlikely to coach

IT WAS interesting to read last week about Damien Duff’s thoughts on what he’ll do with his life after his playing career ends. He appears to have ruled out becoming a pundit – “I don’t think I’m cut out for media work” – and it would seem – correct us if we’re wrong – that he’s not hellbent on becoming a coach either.

“I have started to think about life after football. Football is my only interest and I don’t know what else I’d like to do. You can go into coaching, but you need all the badges and you have to go through so much s***e to get them,” he said.

“I don’t think I’d be bothered. Having to do homework to be a football coach is a load of b******s to me, so I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably just go home to Ireland.”

Truly, he is the Special One.

Tomaszewski turns on Boruc

BRIAN CLOUGH, famously, called Jan Tomaszewski “a clown”, a tribute that backfired a bit when the Polish goalkeeper had a blinder against England in a 1974 World Cup qualifying match – England needed to win, but the 1-1 draw saw Poland qualify for the finals and England miss out.

Thirty-five years on and another Polish goalkeeper is the subject of abuse. Artur Boruc’s (above) performance against Northern Ireland was described by most who viewed it as more than a bit on the clownish side. Tomaszewski, you’d imagine, would be sympathetic. The goalkeepers’ union, and all that. Well . . .

“Artur started a religious war in Glasgow and now it has come back to haunt him. That is why he was under so much pressure in Belfast, because he is hated by most of the Protestant community there. He has no one to blame but himself. You could say Artur has had a punishment from God.”

Harsh. At least he’s loved in Belfast. As Windsor Park chanted, “Ulster’s number one . . .”