McStay dons jacket as Mayo big boys hit high-water mark

TV View: As Ger Canning put it, "so far it's been a game of one half, with both sides in it".

Colm O'Rourke suggested sending for Boutros Boutros Galli or Kofi Annan but they'd probably prefer to deal with Hizbullah and the Israelis; there's less tension in that quarrel than there was under Hill 16 yesterday when upstarts Mayo had the brass neck to occupy sacred Dublin territory/when disagreeably arrogant Dubs acted liked they owned the damned place (delete to suit).

Actually, Niall Quinn might have been the man to call; he seems capable of healing the most broken of relationships. But in the end all that saved the day was the fact there was a game of football to be played. No option, then, but to get on with it. Unless, as Michael Lyster worried, they both insisted on playing into the same end.

It was tremendous fun, but you would, of course, see more maturity in a creche. In fact, what yesterday's pre-match shenanigans reminded us of was that documentary about pandas that showed them doing handstands against trees to help them pee higher than the last boy panda who dropped by. The higher the pee, "the more dominant the signal", as they told us. It was a draw by the time the game started, the Dublin and Mayo wee-wee markings on the uprights under Hill 16 at precisely the same level.

"I've put on my flak jacket and helmet - and I'm only in the commentary box," said Kevin McStay as we got going, and true enough, all concerned seemed well up for it. As for that Ciarán Whelan yellow card - well, we couldn't but think of Harry Redknapp's verdict on that Ben Thatcher assault earlier in the week: "Do you have to kill somebody these days to get a red card?"

That ugliness aside it was exhilarating, breathtaking stuff, and that's putting it mildly. Our understanding that Mayo had (a) no fire in the belly and (b) couldn't score in a summer of Sundays was somewhat challenged by yesterday's events. And say what you like about the Dubs, but lordy, there's never a dull moment.

"It all boiled down to one word: faith," Mickey Moran explained to Darragh Maloney, while Mickey's pals back in the studio vowed never to lose the faith again.

"If I live to be 100 I'll never see a better game than this," said O'Rourke. "Unforgettable and heroic," said Joe Brolly.

Unforgettable and heroic are two words that you could use, but probably shouldn't, to describe yesterday's action in ITV's celebrity Ryder Cup, otherwise known as the All Star Cup. If the golf on display at the K Club next month is of a similar quality, well, to be honest, people will be asking for their money back.

Asked to explain why he had been so utterly useless in his match earlier that afternoon, the running legend Michael Johnson was admirably blunt: "I'm not a golfer."

Johnson had partnered Bobby Ewing against Ronan Keating and an actor we'd never heard of, the first time we'd laid eyes on Bobby since he emerged from the shower, giving poor auld Pam the shock of her life.

"We tried to upset you last year but you came back," Ant or Dec (if you know which one, you're weird) said to Bobby, aka Patrick Duffy.

"I got nothing else to do," said Bobby, who, bless him, seems not to have had an acting job since Southfork closed down.

Anyway, Ronan and the actor we'd never heard of beat Bobby and Michael, Ronan's post-match interview revealing him to be someone who takes golf more solemnly than his team captain, Colin Montgomerie. Golf, in Ronan's eyes, is a rollercoaster, and he simply cannot allow himself to enjoy the ups and downs.

But it proved to be a good day for Europe, Monty's "dream team" of Bruce Forsyth and Chris Evans beating Meatloaf and a man from the West Wing. "I've known Meatloaf since he was a sausage roll," said Brucie. The man from the West Wing didn't laugh, but Ant and Dec needed oxygen to revive them.

Meatloaf, incidentally, addresses the ball much like he might a big mac, menacingly hunched over his target, eyes popping with greedy anticipation. But he rarely has to dust the sand off his burger.

Competition time. Monty v US captain Todd Hamilton. Whoever got closest to the pin won a holiday for Anthony from Southampton or Sarah from Chingford.

"Hopefully for Sarah's sake I get inside Todd and I'm sure Todd feels the same about that," said Monty. Todd's face said he was unsure. Happily for Sarah, Monty got inside Todd and she won a luxury holiday. Monty beamed, like a panda who . . . well, you know.