Auf wiedersehen pet, where's the water?

As the curtain goes up on Euro 2004, we should be talking about dodgy hamstrings and 4-2-3-1s (this year's championship's fashionable formation).

In fact, of course, given the dearth of action until the event finally gets under way, we're talking sex and money.

Ah yes, lots of it - money, that is. To be precise, if your name is Jon Dahl Tomasson and you play in all six games as Denmark do a re-run of 12 years ago to win the title then you will pick up €373,000.

It is enough to give poor old Zinedine Zidane a touch of Les Bleus, since he and his team-mates will pick up only a miserly 200,000-per-head if they lift the title.

The Italians, the Portuguese and the Spanish will weigh in with similar figures whilst the Spanish have even taken out an insurance policy to cover the happy event.

As for the boring Swedes, well it's a case of the fixed salary and the undisclosed bonus for them, whilst the Latvians were last heard of in serious negotiations with the banking group, Nordea, one of their main sponsors.

Now, with all due respect to Latvia, if I were head of the Latvian Federation, I wouldn't bother about an insurance policy.

Mind you, footballers require more than money to motivate them. What about a little bit of tender loving care, not to mention say sex?

Are the players allowed or are they not? Nein, says German team doctor Tim Meyer, who has warned the German players not to have sex shortly before games, adding that they should drink water instead. Age and the memory fail one but water does seem like a pure substitute.

Can they or can they not? Yes, says Otto Baric, the Croatian coach. Wives and girlfriends are welcome at the team hotel but only on post-match days, adding that "of course, sex is not forbidden". Of course, Otto.

Does it really matter? Apparently not, according to Portuguese midfielder Simao Sabrosa, who says that if he has to forgo on sex for the next month he could "take it", adding that he is sure that he and his team-mates "would not really need any counselling". Of course not, they might need the services of a new accountant to help with their bonuses, but little else.

Motivation and preparation for a tournament like this can, of course, take all shapes.

Spain, one of the big-name countries, went down a traditional path when stopping at the shrine of Santiago de Compostela on the way to Portugal, praying no doubt for goals and friendly referees.

Russia, however, win the prize for the most unorthodox build-up. By way of inciting their loved ones on to great things (and no doubt for a few bob too), nine wives or girlfriends of players have been appearing this week in a Russian daily, naked as the day they were born but with strategically placed pictures of their loved ones saving decorum.

Apparently Oksana, the girlfriend of Dinamo Moscow striker Dmitri Bulykin, was initially less than convinced about the whole idea. In the end, she was persuaded by Dmitri, who told her: "Go on, do it, show yourself off, that way I'll do a really good pre-match warm-up".

Quite. It's a funny old game, football.