‘This is killing me, Sorcha. I feel about as useful as a focking Orts degree’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Knitting. I mean, it’s not exactly me, is it?’

‘Don’t shoot the messenger,’ Sorcha goes, ‘but Liz Cannon wants to know could you swing into Thomas’s and pick her up some grissini?’

We’re high-fiving over dodging Omicron. It shows you how far the bor has been lowered

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Sorcha wants to talk to the doctor alone, it can only mean one thing

Honor goes, ‘Oh my God, you have, like, totally redeemed yourself after buying her that pressure cooker last year!’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ross makes Sorcha a doubly special Christmas gift

‘What’s the point in sending your kids to Willow Pork if they’re not exempted from the rules?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha injures her foot while Honor makes a shocking discovery

‘This, by the way, is the worst thing you’ve ever done to me – and that’s saying something,’ Sorcha tells me

Whenever the Rossmeister is in trouble, Sorcha’s old pair are the first responders

Sorcha’s there, ‘Mom, please tell me this isn’t true!’, and she says it like it’s some, I don’t know, massive, massive betrayal

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha wants her mother’s highly guarded ‘family recipe’ for Christmas pudding

I’m getting serious filthies. I’m guessing the boys made it a long flight for everyone

A fair few of the kids burst into tears. And the face on Mrs Claus...

There are genuine rugby fans who would have given their right orm to be there – and this bulls****er here ends up taking up someone’s place

Sorcha ends up saying the most unbelievable thing when the boys ask if Santa is real

‘Don’t let those boys in here, Daddy! They’re evil!’

It’s a big day. I’m bringing the boys to see Johnny Sexton win his 100th cap

‘If you tell me you don’t sell Heineken on draught, I’ll turn my back on you and walk away before you can even say the words ‘We have our own microbrewery’.’

An encounter at rugby training sees Ross making an unexpected connection

Honor is about to pursue ‘the most astute business venture since Noah looked up at the sky and said it was going to piss’

‘They talk about the Collison brothers, but those chaps have got nothing on you, Honor’

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Blinky the borbor in Monkstown suggests a Jude Law or a Matt Damon

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Age and male pattern baldness has caught up with Ross

We’re suddenly enjoying the kind of relationship that I had with my old man – in other words, standing outside in the pissing rain, flinging the old Gilbert around

Since the triplets storted school at Willow Pork, it’s been rugby, rugby, rugby

Hennessy’s there, “How many holes do you count, Ross?” and you can see why he chorges two grand an hour.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m there, “That’s exactly what I was thinking – word for word”

‘I didn’t exactly discourage her, especially when she said Ronan had taught her how to make it look like an accident’. Illustration: Alan Clarke

Sometimes it’s easier to tell a girl the truth. I’m like, ‘Honor burned down the caravan, Sorcha’

Sorcha’s going through the phases, in fairness to the girl.   She’s like, ‘Oh my God, they look like sprouts, but they actually taste of, like, kale?’

Sorcha samples kalettes and deactivated pecans as Ross gets accused of arson

Illustration: Alan Clarke

“I don’t want my children to go here. I’ve said things about this school in the past”

The Leaving Cert results are up online, and my hands are literally shaking

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Willow Pork is the only school to take the triplets, they’ve been on Joe Duffy too many times

‘Do you, like, definitely, definitely need me for this?’ I go, when confronted with a dreaded family conference.

Sorcha’s family conference to discuss registration for teenagers doesn’t quite go to plan

‘Er, you won’t need to microchip your staff?’ Honor goes. ‘Not if you sign up to Back To Your Desk – Remote Workforce Monitoring.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor pitches her pandemic business idea at the annual borbecue

Ross: ‘I wouldn’t mind but the dude is supposed to be, like, working from home?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly – ‘Life in Killiney is just one big deck-measuring contest’

Sorcha: ‘Okay, take a picture of me going out the door. Wait, let me put my mask on. Okay, go ahead.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha and her ‘symptoms’ want me to tag along for her PCR test

‘Carolanne wants to meet up for a drink,’ Sorcha goes. ‘Tomorrow’

I end up lying on her behalf to get her out of an unwanted visit to – oh my God – Lusk

‘The chap is your godfather, Ross! I was hoping you might even say a few words while we’re all still compos mentis!’

Ross’ father is determined to make sure a birthday party takes place indoors in the Horseshoe Bar

Ross can’t face a week in a mobile home with Garret and Claire, but Honor has a plan

She’s like, “Well, I was thinking that you deserve to go on a – wait for it! – Leaving Cert holiday!”

‘So what’s there to see in Ballycanew?’ ‘A Daybreak and a Londis’

I'm looking at the other 41-year-old men and I’m thinking how well I look by comparison

Sorcha stares at her friends. I can tell she’s conflicted.

Sorcha panics during a gathering of friends but Ross is on hand to help

First day of the Leaving Cert. My hands shake like the old dear’s when I hide the corkscrews

‘Put your mask on, will you? You’re only making things worse for yourself’

‘I’d rather spend the next 12 months in prison than one night in a limited services hotel’

Blade one at the sides and a quiff at the front – it works, Lauren.

Ross is pressured into chopping off Christian’s top knot in the name of ‘rugby banter’

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Rugby training is back and Brian, Johnny and Leo are in a loser pod

‘Maybe your kids are rubbish at rugby.’

Honor gets frank with Ross after he fails to see the truth about his boys’ rugby abilities

‘I can’t go back to that hotel! the old dear goes, with a wobble in her voice. ‘It has two stors, Ross. And I’m not talking about Michelin ones.’

Three of them chorge into the living room. The old dear tries to escape through a hedge

‘He can be alright sometimes, my old man.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘She’s been living on chicken Kievs and screw-top Sauvignon blanc!’

‘I’m sort of, like, busy here?’

‘I’m being held against my will in this ghastly . . . ghastly place!’

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross collects his unrepentant anti-lockdown father from Mountjoy prison

‘Dad, you can speak Irish. I hear you shouting at TG4 when the rugby is on.’

Honor devises a rugbaí-based strategy as Ross attempts the exam for the second time

Illustration: Alan Clarke

The old man tells the court he broke lockdown and refuses ‘to live under your mortial law!’

‘We use our money to skip every other queue. Why should this one be any different?’

Honor learns money can't buy everything as Ross and Sorcha purge their friend lists

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Mask-off in Dún Laoghaire as the old man leads an anti-lockdown march

‘I intend to hold a No Mask Rally in the town of Dún Laoghaire! We will take back our lives!’

‘Credit where it’s due, they just know how to organise things better than we do’

’I do as I’m told, then she quite literally throws the thing out onto the front lawn.’

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘Every single room in this house is haunted by the guilt of my failure’

Heathcliff was a good-looking dude who could be a bit of a dick, especially when it came to women

Ross likens his life to Heathcliff’s – especially when it comes to women

Valentine’s Day has clearly been on the girl’s mind lately. She’s been printing out orticles, then leaving them around the house.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You asked me the other night was I breathing louder than usual?’

‘He’s not a nutter – he’s just discovered the internet very late in life. He’s trying to process, in the space of a few weeks, thousands of conspiracy theories that the rest of us have had two decades to consider and reject’

Sorcha loses it with Ross’s dad on Zoom when he discusses conspiracy theories

I celebrated engagements in here, mourned people I loved in here and drowned my sorrows after failing driving tests and Leaving Certs in here

Every – I don’t know – significant thing that ever happened in my life has some association with Kielys of Donnybrook

Illustration: Alan Clarke

‘They’re using the vaccine to force people to say they’re over 70 when they’d pass for 50’

“So aren’t you even curious?” Honor goes. “In terms of how you did in the Christmas exams that I set for you?”

I’ve never passed an exam in my entire life. I’m still driving on a provisional

The old dear pulls the trigger and there’s a dull crack.

“Ross, I’m in a terrible funk,” the old dear goes. “I can’t pull myself out.” I feel instantly bad

Illustration: Alan Clarke

No booze, swearing or sweets – Sorcha has new year’s resolutions for all the family

‘There will be 19 Sanitation Stations at various locations within the house and they are morked on your map with a red hand-sanitiser icon’

Sorcha is determined to stage a Christmas Day gathering that complies with safety guidelines

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ronan is making a mint from black market Mass tickets until three wise men arrive

All of a sudden I’ve got a woman asking me if I find food intolerances funny

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Storting Christmas early could be good for our mental health’

‘I just want him to see what people from Dalkey are really like’

‘It’s like The West Wing when Jed Bortlet had to step down and John Goodman became president’

Illustration: Alan Clarke

I’m not 100% keen on Honor driving, mainly cos she’s 14, and has no licence or insurance

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘Oh my God,’ she goes, ‘your wife is being so passive-aggressive’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘As Sorcha said, I shouldn’t have been throwing the old Gilbert around at her Ulysses fancy dress porty’

‘So why the fock are you buying presents if Santa focking brings them?’

I throw back the duvet, hop out of bed and step into my chinos, all in one fluid movement

Sounds like Sorcha’s old dear is driving the old man cuckoo in their Brittas Bay love nest

Ross and Sorcha. Illustration Alan Clarke

‘Talking to strangers on the doorstep is dangerous. Who knows what I might catch?’

It storted with the shooting-of-the-s**t that goes with a doorstep package handover

Three studenty types refuse to vacate a holiday home for Sorcha's old dear and my old man

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The old pair are a bad influence on Honor so the plan was to move them out

It’s too much for Honor. She’s like a volcano about to blow.

It looks like she’s a cranky drunk – in that way, she does take after her grandmother

There are landmork moments in our children’s lives. First day of school. First time you hold their hair back so they can vomit a n(...)

‘Stop, I’m going to spew all over this hordwood floor.’

‘Your dad is the leader of a political porty that believes women should have to re-sit their driving test every six months’

I put the key in the door, then into the house I go. I drop the cases in the hallway, then I tip down to the kitchen with the intention of grabbing a beer

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: ‘I suspected there was something going on. I have a sixth sense for this’

“Why don’t we just accept the dude’s offer of a Gorda escort back to Farranfore?”

The sensible thing to do is to accept defeat early and try to get back on the road before the traffic gets bad

Honor: ‘I’m talking about Kerry. It’s always, like, raining and it gets dork at, like, midday?’ Illustration: Alan Clarke

The Dingle restaurant owner thinks Ross’s family are from the US – and things get ugly

‘This year we’re doing the whole, like, Wild Atlantic Way thing?’ Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Quinta do Farranfore? I’ve never heard of it’

‘All these people  on social media talking about  the Blasket Islands or  the Aillwee Cave . . ?’ ‘Yes, they’re all in Quinta do Lago’

Posting a Fáilte Ireland pic on Instagram doesn’t mean you’re actually on a staycation

Ronan puts a caller on hold to answer another one of his phones. ‘Mass tickets,’ he goes. ‘Buying or selling?’

It seems young Ronan is doing a line in black morket tickets for Masses and church services

‘There’s, like, ten or fifteen people just staring at us with their mouths wide open. It’s a look I remember well from my rugby days’

Time to put Christian in his place – after all, it’s what best friends are for

‘There’s, like, ten or fifteen people just staring at us with their mouths wide open. It’s a look I remember well from my rugby days’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor plots revenge for Ross after his rugby chat gets hijacked

‘God forgive me for saying this, but they’re not nice kids’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: I’m not sure we’re the kind of family who likes fun

Being too nice for his own basic good, Ross says: ‘Fine, you can tell her it was me.’

Honor restorts the economy while Sorcha’s Zoom call proves fatal to Ro’s alibi

‘I have a definite way with the Lalor ladies.’

Despite Sorcha’s warning, Ross may have just made a bad situation worse

I’m like, ‘Jesus Christ, he’s taken it with him – to Killiney!’

Rueful Ross realises the old man may have amorous notions when he spots that missing Greg Norman hat

‘Sorcha’s old man tuts. He has a habit of doing that whenever I speak.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘If my orms stretched two metres, I would deck you for that’

‘I’m there, ‘Honor, do you genuinely believe I’m capable of scraping a pass?’ ’

The Rossmeister prepares for a third crack at the exams with Honor’s home-schooling

'Why do you have to shout? I told you before, if you want me for something, just text me the details and I’ll decide if it’s important enough for me to come downstairs.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Welcome to the horsh realities of the free morket, Honor goes

‘Even during the lockdown, we should at least try to look our best?’ Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: After weeks in lockdown Sorcha’s roots are showing

‘There’s nothing wrong with the computer. It’s, like, a language barrier issue?’ Illustration: Alan Clarke

Sorcha is working on her best self and getting the old man and old dear talking again

The Easter egg hunt was pure focking terrifying. The three of them went through the gorden like shorks scenting chump.

My Leinster training top is a bit snugger than usual. I may have gone too hord on the chocolate

The need to pretend you’re a healthy family is even greater when you shop online

This lockdown is storting to seriously affect me. What has happened to the world?

‘What are you up to, you gin-crazed, blubber-filled phoney.’ Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Phoning ‘Mom’ is a sure sign Covid-19 crisis brings out the best in people

Honor: ‘What the fock could you possibly teach me?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Home-schooling? Me? But I’m a complete focking dunderhead’

Whenever I stort to feel anxious about the future of the world, I always find it helps to remember the words of the late, great Fr Denis Fehily

For five days, I’ve been stuck in the house, thinking ‘God, my family are annoying'

The old dear goes, 'Ben is in futures, Ross. Explain to him what it is you do, Ben.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The old dear is catfishing dudes on Tinder by pretending to be only 58

‘I open the front door and the old man is standing on the doorstep with a grin like a xylophone’

The old dear was planning to propose to him on Saturday night

She attempts to smile, but with all the work she’s had done, she looks like she’s trying to squeeze out a silent fart at a funeral

The old dear is up in arms because the house is being considered for a preservation order

''Focking p***k with ears,' Johnny goes – seriously, they’re like sponges at that age.'

The triplets tear apart an oil painting of their smiling grandad and make a delightful discovery

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Who wouldn’t spend too much at a charity auction for a horrible portrait?

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