‘What are you up to, you gin-crazed, blubber-filled phoney.’ Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Phoning ‘Mom’ is a sure sign Covid-19 crisis brings out the best in people

Honor: ‘What the fock could you possibly teach me?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Home-schooling? Me? But I’m a complete focking dunderhead’

Whenever I stort to feel anxious about the future of the world, I always find it helps to remember the words of the late, great Fr Denis Fehily

For five days, I’ve been stuck in the house, thinking ‘God, my family are annoying'

The old dear goes, 'Ben is in futures, Ross. Explain to him what it is you do, Ben.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The old dear is catfishing dudes on Tinder by pretending to be only 58

‘I open the front door and the old man is standing on the doorstep with a grin like a xylophone’

The old dear was planning to propose to him on Saturday night

She attempts to smile, but with all the work she’s had done, she looks like she’s trying to squeeze out a silent fart at a funeral

The old dear is up in arms because the house is being considered for a preservation order

''Focking p***k with ears,' Johnny goes – seriously, they’re like sponges at that age.'

The triplets tear apart an oil painting of their smiling grandad and make a delightful discovery

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Who wouldn’t spend too much at a charity auction for a horrible portrait?

Seriously, to be a Mount Anville mom, you’d want the stamina of a focking camel

Sorcha will do literally anything to get Honor into the right Irish college

The old man is ordering a statue of Fr Fehily – with Panzer tanks and hippos, of course

‘Denis’s religion was rugby!’ the old man goes. ‘Why isn’t he holding one of his beloved Gilberts?’

The old man has spent some of his hord (slash, crookedly) earned money on a statue of the late, great Fr Fehily

Sorcha steps out of the kitchen, all smiles. She’s like, ‘Hi, Dad – oh my God, you brought the shovel!’

‘He hasn’t come to kill you, Ross. He’s come to dig up the time capsule we buried in the gorden’

I’m looking at Ronan and the old man. It’s difficult to tell the two of them aport. A gangster and a gangster in the making

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan admits he threw the race at Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day

I suddenly heard the old man calling me. He was going, ‘Kicker! Kicker! Over here!’ and I spotted him and Hennessy, dressed up like a pair of tools in their matching camel hair coats and hats.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Everyone keeps asking what happened to Hoss O'Carroll-Kelly at Leopardstown?

I love playing Santa Claus. The adulation brings me back to my schools’ rugby days

Sorcha goes, ‘I’ve been sounded out about the possibility of standing for President in 2021. I don’t want my chances ruined by you groaning your way through Silent Night’.

The Rossmeister gets into the spirit of the season with a spot of Grafton Street carolling

I’m like, ‘What the fock, Ro?’ because I’m suddenly thinking about the 20Ks I’ve just lost

‘Brian and Leo are crying their eyes out while calling their brother every F word, B word and C word under the sun.’

A surprise trip to take the kids to see Santa Claus does not go according to plan

‘Boisterous? They’ve mouths on them like rappers. What if one of them drops a fock-bomb live on air?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s Toy Show dream quickly comes to an end when Ryan Tubridy meets the boys on set

“I’m looking at the goys and we’re all thinking the exact same thing. We’ve been stitched up here in a major way.”

It's decided: our tempermental racehorse is going to be called Hoss O’Carroll-Kelly

Yeah, no, I bought a racehorse, but it’s not for Honor – it’s for my old school’s honour

All the posh schools have a horseracing syndicate. Why not Castlerock College?

‘Oh my God... have you been letting them watch The Wire again?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: A trip to Center Porcs leads to an encounter with one of Sorcha’s frenemies

I manage to block out the judgy looks I get from the other moms and dads using the some of psychological techniques I learned during my days as a kicker. Then, Jenny Turley asks me if she can have a word...

There’s barely a day goes by when I don’t think, ‘God, what I wouldn’t do for a condom and a time machine.’ But that’s parenting

Charles goes, 'this Saturday’s match against the world famous All Blacks is, I think, an opportune moment to correct, once and forever, a grave, historical, sporting injustice'.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What the fock? Did the old man pay someone to fake a video?

‘The airport? I don’t know where you get your ideas from!’

The Rossmeister is struck with a sudden case of FOMO with just one phone call

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Being fired as godfather is making him teary – so is the breakfast beer

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha's was served on a VHS copy of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

‘No,’ the old man goes, ‘what you watched was a carefully edited and cleverly cut version of the match’

‘According to Fionn, it makes me guilty of a thing called “cultural appropriation’’’

‘This vlog has nothing to do with fashion, Ross. This is a political vlog’

First my son sets the old man up with a gun, then my daughter sets him up with a vlog

Baxter’s rightful owner has shown up, and Honor’s not giving him up without a dogfight

‘Well, Chorles, what are you going to do about it? You’re not going to just stand by and let them refuse to take your money, are you?’

A letter from Munster Rugby leaves the old man pacing the floor

Illustration: Alan Clarke

An exclusive extract from his new book ... Ross has taken on his toughest job yet

‘I’ve just heard Ronan coaching someone in how to defraud some poor, unfortunate insurance company’

Ross doesn’t like what he sees when he visits Ronan at work for some lunchtime pints

‘I bought him a rugby ball and he looked at it like it was roadkill’

The dog is for the chop until Ross channels his inner rugby captain

‘I’m going to accidentally on purpose knock his béarnaise off the table on to the ground,’ says Honor.

Christian is horrified to find his Wagyu steak looks tougher than Billy Vunipola

‘What noise? Oh my God, you’re hearing things’

A dickhead of a smoke alorm ruins Ross’s night and leads him to a surprising discovery

‘When God was giving out brains, you were in the queue for testicles!’

Ro learns how to handle found goods, from the master, Hennessy

Ro goes, ‘Rosser, are you tedding me you’ve nebber changed a tyre before?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man got more than he bargained for when he bought a Lambo at a Cab auction

“I’ve got the three little goys lined up, each one standing a little bit in front of the next – we’re talking Brian, then Johnny, then Leo – and I’m showing them how to basically pass the ball.”

I have to remember to treat them all equally, even though one of them is clearly never going to play rugby

“I didn’t think Honor was into that whole save the world thing. I’m remembering all her school friends going into town for the Strike for Climate Change day. She went shopping.”

My daughter had previously told me that being seen to care is a sign of weakness

Honor shrugs. ‘I’m a focking better driver than you’

‘Do you know how embarrassing it is to live in Killiney and have to drive stick shift?’

I end up carrying Leo in to the ophthamologist – even though there’s fock-all wrong with his legs

She walks into the kitchen and storts looking at Leo in a suddenly strange way

The Lambo my old man gifted Ro for finishing his degree is having a strange effect on him

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Because, Sorcha, if being a member of the south Dublin middle class has taught me one thing, it’s that you don’t apologise for anything – ever.’

Rosston College has an eventful first day with the triplets out of Montessori

Leo sticks his head around the door of the office, fixes poor Jill with a look and goes, ‘You know who you’re a ringer for? Olivia Culpo!’

Called into the principal’s office, Ross discovers his son has a crush on the classroom assistant

Honor: “What the fock is going on? Who were you talking to?” Illustration: Alan Clarke

Honor is at a birthday party – what usually follows is a solicitor’s letter

“You’re all forgetting something. I’m probably going to outlive you all.”

Sorcha’s old pair are making arrangements for her resting place – but Honor has different ideas

‘He’s already decided what area of law he wants to go into and it’s definitely not keeping you out of prison’ says Ross to his father.

Ronan is about to finish college and the old man has a bribe to bring him onside

Brian, Johnny and Leo are sitting in the back, delighted to have been sent home from school early.

Sorcha is distraught because the boys have head lice

‘Hugo is the new go-to name for parents who want their children to be mistaken for Protestants.’

Sorcha is on the warpath after the latest phone call from the Montessori about the triplets

‘We’re still in the match. I try to tell the goys that.’

‘Most of our goys look like they’ve been pulled from the sea after their ship went down’

'No,' I go, 'I’m not pissed. I’ve got this match tomorrow and I’m nervous. I need to ask you something, Ro ... Could you get me drugs?'

‘I just need a little something to help me through the match against Newbridge'

‘Twas you,’ he goes. ‘Or a fool very like you!’ I’m there, “That’s a very serious allegation to make.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Irregordless, I do have my own – let’s say – ‘motivational’ qualities

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Preparation for Newbridge grudge match isn’t going to plan

‘What would you say to the idea of a rematch?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Our victory was slightly tainted when the IRFU stripped us of our medals

“Charles O’Carroll-Kelly isn’t about to be silenced by a bunch of teenagers who’ve been brought up to believe that they don’t have to listen to the opinions of others!”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m, like: ‘You’re not going to drive around Belfield bellowing insanely at passers-by?’

‘Brian, Johnny and Leo’s effing and blinding will wake the creatures of Whistleberry Forest long before anyone gets to play a note’

Honor goes, ‘The only reason I’m ringing is because there’s a Gorda checkpoint ahead’

The old man has turned to me for advice as to how young people think

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The old man has a plan to stop him being no-platformed by UCD

Brian, Johnny and Leo: “Fock England!”

The three boys experience that landmark moment: their first rugby international

'All I can smell is cigors and the strong after-hum of the six fingers of Hennessy XO that he had for breakfast.'

There is some kind of protest going on in UCD as the old man arrives for his talk

Sorcha: ‘I’m not putting it out of my head. As a matter of fact, the following morning, I made a Data Access Subject Request’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor’s blackmailing skills come out after using Sorcha’s MyTaxi app

When I show up, the old man is sitting there with Ronan, drinking what was presumably once a lorge brandy

‘Why is there no O’Carroll-Kelly building?’ the old man goes, referring to UCD

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s What Would Jesus Eat Diet lasts a record four hours

Honor opens the door on the driver’s side and steps out – except she’s too small to step out. She sort of, like, drops out

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discovers his 13-year-old daughter has secretly been driving his BMW X5 for the last two years

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: If we hadn’t been friends for 20 years, she would have called the Gords

Ross and Sorcha are particularly tense watching the triplets in their nativity play

'It’s a long time since there’s been such a buzz about me. And being essentially a confidence player, I feel myself quickly growing into the role that I’m being asked to play here today.'

Ross gets a flashback to his Senior Cup days while filling in for St Nick in Foxrock

'The old dear texts her mates and cancels – hilarious – supper? I text Sorcha and tell her that I won’t be home tonight and tomorrow doesn’t look promising either.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We are surrounded by empty spaces but neither of us are giving up this one

I was sitting with a cappuccino and my famous Rugby Tactics Book, playing a game I like to call “Being Joe Schmidt”

I had to unmute the Mount Anville mothers’ WhatsApp group - I couldn't bear the silence

“If it was up to me, you’d be watching the end of this match from pitch-side, cheering Ireland on through a hole in your throat.”

Ireland are beating the All Blacks with 15 minutes to go but everything is kicking off in the old man’s corporate box

‘Merrion Analytics can feed polling data into a computer and come up with profiles of marginalised people that it’s perfectly okay to dislike.’

The old man is plotting a fresh course for New Republic given the Peter Casey effect

She says, ‘My sister was with Ross once,’ and puts up a picture of a small sausage

I taught Sorcha to drive in the Rav4. She insisted on staying in first gear between the speed bumps

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha gets teary about her old Rav4 in Dundrum cor pork

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m about to get a horsh lesson on how Mount Anville moms’ WhatsApp groups really work

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Honor has set up a review site, Sorcha tells me. It’s called Rate My Playdate

‘The last time we were in there, the triplets smashed an eight-foot-high Chewbacca into about a million pieces and I left without paying for the damage.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas?

‘I’ve joined this WhatsApp group that some of the Mount Anville moms set up.’

I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense

‘We’re going to Munster. We’re going to get Joey Corbery back.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I convince the lads to go to Munster to rescue Joey Corbery

The boys stop suddenly swearing. Because they can presumably see what I can see, that Mallorie Kennedy is – and hopefully this isn’t me objectifying women – a serious, serious honey

The boys can presumably see that Mallorie Kennedy is a serious, serious honey

“I see the distant look in Sorcha’s eyes when she says it and I think to myself that maybe Amie with an ie was right.”

'There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a career. I say that as an obvious feminist'

And, after an hour of non-stop flipping and blinding, all of the sweets have gone and the rewarding of good behaviour scheme has hit its first major snag.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s portly my responsibility to deal with the triplets’ swearing

“You better stop with the constant effing and blinding! Because I’m sick to the teeth of it – and I’m saying that as someone who’s been hanging around rugby clubs all my life!”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Fockers!’ Brian goes, looking forward to releasing pent-up energy

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor lasted the course in the Gaeltacht – and that’s suspicious

I decide that it’s time to clear the gorden. And there’s only way to do it. I look at my phone and I go, “Oh my God, Honor’s coming home!”

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: While Honor’s away, the guests will play

Honor’s off to Irish college somewhere called Tralee – I’m really going to miss the little wagon

Time for the Rossmeister to show this LinkedIn team what actual rugby is

“I’m not guilt-tripping you,” I tell Sorcha. “I’m just pointing out that this is the latest you’ve been home since you storted in LinkedIn.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: One by one, I open the buttons of my shirt. Then, I stort unloading the dishwashing, making sure to let him (...)

'I’ll get you some money in a minute, whatever you’re called. First, I need to weigh you.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: God, Fionnuala has tipped waiters that for a good Martini

'Honor is taking the whole thing in her stride. She goes, 'I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I won’t be going anywhere with them tomorrow.''

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Tempers fray as the family are landed with some cling-ons

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The family is flying to the south of France. It hasn’t started well

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I set off for the driving test centre confident it would be 17th time lucky

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I know I’m a terrible father”

Sorcha’s decided to go back to work, and wants me to stay home to look after the kids

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Sorcha, please. I genuinely don’t think I can do this. I’ll find another job. I could give the Leinster Branch a ring”

While this conversation is happening, I should mention, the triplets are running amok

'Can I just stop you, Dave? There’s no point in trying to teach me stuff, because I’m as thick as that wall there. It’s 10 seconds of your life that you’re never going to get back.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s time to learn some crucial differences between GDPR and CPR

There has to be a consequence for ruining Sorcha’s royal wedding porty, hasn’t there?

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: So I’m lying on the floor in Bilbao airport – in shock

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