I end up carrying Leo in to the ophthamologist – even though there’s fock-all wrong with his legs

She walks into the kitchen and storts looking at Leo in a suddenly strange way

The Lambo my old man gifted Ro for finishing his degree is having a strange effect on him

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Because, Sorcha, if being a member of the south Dublin middle class has taught me one thing, it’s that you don’t apologise for anything – ever.’

Rosston College has an eventful first day with the triplets out of Montessori

Leo sticks his head around the door of the office, fixes poor Jill with a look and goes, ‘You know who you’re a ringer for? Olivia Culpo!’

Called into the principal’s office, Ross discovers his son has a crush on the classroom assistant

Honor: “What the fock is going on? Who were you talking to?” Illustration: Alan Clarke

Honor is at a birthday party – what usually follows is a solicitor’s letter

“You’re all forgetting something. I’m probably going to outlive you all.”

Sorcha’s old pair are making arrangements for her resting place – but Honor has different ideas

‘He’s already decided what area of law he wants to go into and it’s definitely not keeping you out of prison’ says Ross to his father.

Ronan is about to finish college and the old man has a bribe to bring him onside

Brian, Johnny and Leo are sitting in the back, delighted to have been sent home from school early.

Sorcha is distraught because the boys have head lice

‘Hugo is the new go-to name for parents who want their children to be mistaken for Protestants.’

Sorcha is on the warpath after the latest phone call from the Montessori about the triplets

‘We’re still in the match. I try to tell the goys that.’

‘Most of our goys look like they’ve been pulled from the sea after their ship went down’

'No,' I go, 'I’m not pissed. I’ve got this match tomorrow and I’m nervous. I need to ask you something, Ro ... Could you get me drugs?'

‘I just need a little something to help me through the match against Newbridge'

‘Twas you,’ he goes. ‘Or a fool very like you!’ I’m there, “That’s a very serious allegation to make.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Irregordless, I do have my own – let’s say – ‘motivational’ qualities

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Preparation for Newbridge grudge match isn’t going to plan

‘What would you say to the idea of a rematch?’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Our victory was slightly tainted when the IRFU stripped us of our medals

“Charles O’Carroll-Kelly isn’t about to be silenced by a bunch of teenagers who’ve been brought up to believe that they don’t have to listen to the opinions of others!”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m, like: ‘You’re not going to drive around Belfield bellowing insanely at passers-by?’

‘Brian, Johnny and Leo’s effing and blinding will wake the creatures of Whistleberry Forest long before anyone gets to play a note’

Honor goes, ‘The only reason I’m ringing is because there’s a Gorda checkpoint ahead’

The old man has turned to me for advice as to how young people think

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The old man has a plan to stop him being no-platformed by UCD

Brian, Johnny and Leo: “Fock England!”

The three boys experience that landmark moment: their first rugby international

'All I can smell is cigors and the strong after-hum of the six fingers of Hennessy XO that he had for breakfast.'

There is some kind of protest going on in UCD as the old man arrives for his talk

Sorcha: ‘I’m not putting it out of my head. As a matter of fact, the following morning, I made a Data Access Subject Request’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor’s blackmailing skills come out after using Sorcha’s MyTaxi app

When I show up, the old man is sitting there with Ronan, drinking what was presumably once a lorge brandy

‘Why is there no O’Carroll-Kelly building?’ the old man goes, referring to UCD

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s What Would Jesus Eat Diet lasts a record four hours

Honor opens the door on the driver’s side and steps out – except she’s too small to step out. She sort of, like, drops out

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly discovers his 13-year-old daughter has secretly been driving his BMW X5 for the last two years

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: If we hadn’t been friends for 20 years, she would have called the Gords

Ross and Sorcha are particularly tense watching the triplets in their nativity play

'It’s a long time since there’s been such a buzz about me. And being essentially a confidence player, I feel myself quickly growing into the role that I’m being asked to play here today.'

Ross gets a flashback to his Senior Cup days while filling in for St Nick in Foxrock

'The old dear texts her mates and cancels – hilarious – supper? I text Sorcha and tell her that I won’t be home tonight and tomorrow doesn’t look promising either.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We are surrounded by empty spaces but neither of us are giving up this one

I was sitting with a cappuccino and my famous Rugby Tactics Book, playing a game I like to call “Being Joe Schmidt”

I had to unmute the Mount Anville mothers’ WhatsApp group - I couldn't bear the silence

“If it was up to me, you’d be watching the end of this match from pitch-side, cheering Ireland on through a hole in your throat.”

Ireland are beating the All Blacks with 15 minutes to go but everything is kicking off in the old man’s corporate box

‘Merrion Analytics can feed polling data into a computer and come up with profiles of marginalised people that it’s perfectly okay to dislike.’

The old man is plotting a fresh course for New Republic given the Peter Casey effect

She says, ‘My sister was with Ross once,’ and puts up a picture of a small sausage

I taught Sorcha to drive in the Rav4. She insisted on staying in first gear between the speed bumps

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha gets teary about her old Rav4 in Dundrum cor pork

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m about to get a horsh lesson on how Mount Anville moms’ WhatsApp groups really work

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Honor has set up a review site, Sorcha tells me. It’s called Rate My Playdate

‘The last time we were in there, the triplets smashed an eight-foot-high Chewbacca into about a million pieces and I left without paying for the damage.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas?

‘I’ve joined this WhatsApp group that some of the Mount Anville moms set up.’

I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense

‘We’re going to Munster. We’re going to get Joey Corbery back.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I convince the lads to go to Munster to rescue Joey Corbery

The boys stop suddenly swearing. Because they can presumably see what I can see, that Mallorie Kennedy is – and hopefully this isn’t me objectifying women – a serious, serious honey

The boys can presumably see that Mallorie Kennedy is a serious, serious honey

“I see the distant look in Sorcha’s eyes when she says it and I think to myself that maybe Amie with an ie was right.”

'There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a career. I say that as an obvious feminist'

And, after an hour of non-stop flipping and blinding, all of the sweets have gone and the rewarding of good behaviour scheme has hit its first major snag.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s portly my responsibility to deal with the triplets’ swearing

“You better stop with the constant effing and blinding! Because I’m sick to the teeth of it – and I’m saying that as someone who’s been hanging around rugby clubs all my life!”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Fockers!’ Brian goes, looking forward to releasing pent-up energy

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor lasted the course in the Gaeltacht – and that’s suspicious

I decide that it’s time to clear the gorden. And there’s only way to do it. I look at my phone and I go, “Oh my God, Honor’s coming home!”

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: While Honor’s away, the guests will play

Honor’s off to Irish college somewhere called Tralee – I’m really going to miss the little wagon

Time for the Rossmeister to show this LinkedIn team what actual rugby is

“I’m not guilt-tripping you,” I tell Sorcha. “I’m just pointing out that this is the latest you’ve been home since you storted in LinkedIn.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: One by one, I open the buttons of my shirt. Then, I stort unloading the dishwashing, making sure to let him (...)

'I’ll get you some money in a minute, whatever you’re called. First, I need to weigh you.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: God, Fionnuala has tipped waiters that for a good Martini

'Honor is taking the whole thing in her stride. She goes, 'I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I won’t be going anywhere with them tomorrow.''

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Tempers fray as the family are landed with some cling-ons

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The family is flying to the south of France. It hasn’t started well

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I set off for the driving test centre confident it would be 17th time lucky

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I know I’m a terrible father”

Sorcha’s decided to go back to work, and wants me to stay home to look after the kids

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Sorcha, please. I genuinely don’t think I can do this. I’ll find another job. I could give the Leinster Branch a ring”

While this conversation is happening, I should mention, the triplets are running amok

'Can I just stop you, Dave? There’s no point in trying to teach me stuff, because I’m as thick as that wall there. It’s 10 seconds of your life that you’re never going to get back.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s time to learn some crucial differences between GDPR and CPR

There has to be a consequence for ruining Sorcha’s royal wedding porty, hasn’t there?

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: So I’m lying on the floor in Bilbao airport – in shock

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: In fact my ancestors – brace yourselves, goys – are from Munster

Ross has done a whole series of advertisements for the ‘Irish Times’ property section

Surely Ross can come up with a plan to save a little bit of southside heritage

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Ronan wants to go to New York and hab a woord with his heerdo

Ross realises that Dermot Bannon has warped the minds of his customers

Sorcha ends up totally losing it with her: ‘You will not stort using it all the time’

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Rude restaurants – in Ranelagh – are back and the family has a booking

She stops laughing and touches her cheek, then stares at her wet fingers like she’s seeing a miracle.

Just when Ross thought there were no more tears, the floodgates open in Bucharest

Ireland are playing Scotland, but I know my old dear well enough to know when I’m being blackmailed

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The Mount Anville past pupils breakfast is like LinkedIn with egg-white omelettes

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The agency is now rebanding and our Ross doesn’t like it at all

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s digging her way through a landfill of old memories

'Sorcha – in common with hundreds of thousands of others – hasn’t figured out yet that Honor is using her YouTube channel to test the bounds of women’s gullibility.'

‘You’d better look at the video she posted three days ago’

Honor is rude to randomers on Grafton Street – and Ross has never been so proud

'Brian O’Driscoll did things for this country. I don’t think it’s too much to ask people to set aside one day of the year to reflect on that.'

Ross discovers that his idea of a Holy Day of Obligation doesn’t quite tally with his boss

Ross isn’t on board with Sorcha’s Irish resolution – and it’s about to blow up in his face

“The universities award honorary doctorates. We just thought, isn’t it time we started to award Honorary Leaving Certificates?”

Ross gets a surprising phone call – it might be time to break out the ‘flat hat thing’

Honor fights her corner: “Er, you’re the one who’s always saying we shouldn’t tell lies.”

Ross O’Carroll Kelly goes to Cork and finds there’s no room at the Jury’s Inn

“You do this every year, Ross. You build Christmas up in your head to be this major thing and it never lives up to your expectations.”

A letter from Santa to a young Ross leaves him a little bit choked up

Straight down the line: the launch of the Luas Green line extension on O’Connell Street with Taoiseach Leo Varadkar,  Minister for Transport Shane Ross and Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe. Photograph: Cyril Byrne

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s mother puts herself on the line to prevent the Luas routes linking up

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The man who’s standing in front of us is a shell of his former self

The gaff is rammers when we arrive. Half of Ronan’s estate must be here, crammed into his kitchen – all of him and Shadden’s mates, then all the neighbours as well

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: She believes processed cheese is a slippery slope to drug addiction

“You’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.”

Ross gets a pep talk from Honor – but that may not actually be a good thing

“I know what you’re trying to do? You’re testing me to see if I’m capable of taking orders from you as an actual woman. And I’m happy to say that I’m about to prove you wrong.”

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly has been sent for Gender Attitude Reconditioning. It’s not going well

“What’s it going to do for their morale when they see the Rossmeister using the urinal next to them in the staff toilet?”

How many allegations of sexual harassment are there against Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?

Hennessy and the old man have bought Hook, Lyon & Sinker, but the way Hennessy’s talking, it’s not looking like yours truly is the(...)

“Could they not be, I don’t know, eating stuff while they’re shiteing on? Earwig sandwiches. Bonjella on a cream cracker. Blah, blah, blah.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Impeachment of a student officer? In the Orts Block? No way

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: My daughter is doing a Closet Purge for her vlog. It involves petrol

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: If you’d told me, when I was, like, 16, that I’d end up literally working for a living, I would have asked you, well, what was the point of playing rugby in the first place? Illustration: Alan Clarke

There are two goys waiting in reception for me. It’s two – literally – gordaí

Honor reminds me of one of those shop girls who can chat away happily to the girl working at the next till while at the same time acting like a complete focker to actual customers.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: It’s like Honor’s had some kind of, I don’t know, personality transplant?

“She’s 12, Sorcha. What she gets up to is her own business.”

‘There could be anything in there: a gun, €100k in cash, one of her teachers gagged’

Out of the corner of her mouth, she goes, “I will never, ever forgive you for this, Ross.”

The old dear is absolutely bulling over the surprise 70th birthday party I threw her

“It’s an old rugby injury. You were probably wondering was I that Ross O’Carroll-Kelly? There’s your answer.” Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I whip out the old Southside Roll then and I peel off a 20’

I’m looking out the window, thinking, yeah, no, the more time she spends at school, the less time we have to put up with her

First day in ‘actual Mount Anville’, but the last thing Honor needs is a chaperone

“It’s not that I don’t know how to do it? It’s just that it’s never come up before. I mean, everyone knows the words to, ‘Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…’ don’t they? But who has ever had to count backwards from 20 before?”

Ross is going under the knife, but counting backwards from 20 is causing problems

'This is Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly, the author and humanitarian, and I wish to know why I’ve been sent a – what does it say on it, Ross – Free Travel Pass?'

The old dear might be ‘entitled’ to free travel, but that doesn’t mean she wants it

An impromptu picture show puts Ronan in an awkward position

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I see a photograph of a stripper and a hand offering her $20

'It’ll be like Oliver Plunkett’s head. People will travel from miles around to see Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s hip.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: 'Ross, you soft-as-shite, south Dublin mammy’s boy'

“Ross, how long have you had problems with your hip? I’ve been listening to that thing clicking for 10 years or more.”

Ross finds the past, and tackles by Jerry Flannery, catching up with him

With Sorcha away at a Himalyan spa near Drumshanbo, experience tells me to be definitely wary of my daughter Honor

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