Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly was the captain of the Castlerock College team that won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup in 1999. It’s rare that a day goes by when he doesn’t mention it. A renowned socialite, libertine and seducer, who has been described as Ireland’s most eligible married man and the greatest Irish player never to actually make it in the game, he is managing director of his father’s confidential-document disposal business, Shred Focking Everything.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?’

The bouncers are on us like seagulls on a waffle cone

‘We’ve been trying to break them up, haven’t we? A year or two in the clink – he won’t wait for her’

Hennessy suddenly smiles at the old man. ‘Damn it,’ the old man goes, ‘you’ve got an idea, haven’t you?’

Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’

I’m there, ‘The security tag is still on it’

‘I did the deed with the girlfriend of a very good friend and it’s been bothering my conscience lately’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Foxrock’s new parish priest, Fr JP, is insisting on hearing my Confession

At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children

He was singing the offensive song in the cor this morning. It’s a genuine earworm, in fairness

‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’

We’re trying to lure Bernie from Bray into sending some incriminating texts to me when Hennessy decides to up the ante

‘Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup’

Hennessy goes, 'Yes, now. What are you waiting for, the honeymoon? Come on, get typing, you horny reprobate'

Brian, Johnny and Leo are pulling faces like they’re constipated. ‘They’re looksmaxxing’

Sorcha’s old man tells me I’m the worst father in the world, which is rich coming from him

‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’

‘The woman’s an absolute tonic! An absolute, bloody-well tonic!’ the old man shouted, but he was the only one

‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’

It’s the opening night of Ronan’s new Irish Gangland Museum on Capel Street and the place is packed to the literally rafters

‘Fionnuala had a far more significant impact on Foxrock than Samuel Beckett’

When one of the old dear’s friends rings me up and asks if I’m free for lunch, I end up sitting there for an hour, debating whether to go

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought

He's talking about Bernie from Bray, of all places. He’s been shacked up with the woman since May – in actual Bray

He holds up a balaclava, or as it’s known on my side of town, a ski mask

I told his mother not to let him read those Paul Williams books. But no, she knew better

‘Charles has changed since moving to Bray. He turned up in Portmornock Golf Club yesterday – wearing a Dryrobe’

Hennessy tells me the old man is in danger of getting thrown out of the club, which would be his ultimate humiliation

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’

I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws watching, quite literally, a soccer match

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