'The old dear texts her mates and cancels – hilarious – supper? I text Sorcha and tell her that I won’t be home tonight and tomorrow doesn’t look promising either.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We are surrounded by empty spaces but neither of us are giving up this one

I was sitting with a cappuccino and my famous Rugby Tactics Book, playing a game I like to call “Being Joe Schmidt”

I had to unmute the Mount Anville mothers’ WhatsApp group - I couldn't bear the silence

“If it was up to me, you’d be watching the end of this match from pitch-side, cheering Ireland on through a hole in your throat.”

Ireland are beating the All Blacks with 15 minutes to go but everything is kicking off in the old man’s corporate box

‘Merrion Analytics can feed polling data into a computer and come up with profiles of marginalised people that it’s perfectly okay to dislike.’

The old man is plotting a fresh course for New Republic given the Peter Casey effect

She says, ‘My sister was with Ross once,’ and puts up a picture of a small sausage

I taught Sorcha to drive in the Rav4. She insisted on staying in first gear between the speed bumps

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha gets teary about her old Rav4 in Dundrum cor pork

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m about to get a horsh lesson on how Mount Anville moms’ WhatsApp groups really work

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: Honor has set up a review site, Sorcha tells me. It’s called Rate My Playdate

‘The last time we were in there, the triplets smashed an eight-foot-high Chewbacca into about a million pieces and I left without paying for the damage.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: What would Johnny Sexton do when confronted with plotting a way through Dublin’s no-go areas?

‘I’ve joined this WhatsApp group that some of the Mount Anville moms set up.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve joined the WhatsApp group the moms set up, and it is intense

‘We’re going to Munster. We’re going to get Joey Corbery back.’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I convince the lads to go to Munster to rescue Joey Corbery

The boys stop suddenly swearing. Because they can presumably see what I can see, that Mallorie Kennedy is – and hopefully this isn’t me objectifying women – a serious, serious honey

The boys can presumably see that Mallorie Kennedy is a serious, serious honey

“I see the distant look in Sorcha’s eyes when she says it and I think to myself that maybe Amie with an ie was right.”

'There’s nothing wrong with a woman having a career. I say that as an obvious feminist'

And, after an hour of non-stop flipping and blinding, all of the sweets have gone and the rewarding of good behaviour scheme has hit its first major snag.

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s portly my responsibility to deal with the triplets’ swearing

“You better stop with the constant effing and blinding! Because I’m sick to the teeth of it – and I’m saying that as someone who’s been hanging around rugby clubs all my life!”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Fockers!’ Brian goes, looking forward to releasing pent-up energy

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor lasted the course in the Gaeltacht – and that’s suspicious

I decide that it’s time to clear the gorden. And there’s only way to do it. I look at my phone and I go, “Oh my God, Honor’s coming home!”

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: While Honor’s away, the guests will play

Honor’s off to Irish college somewhere called Tralee – I’m really going to miss the little wagon

Time for the Rossmeister to show this LinkedIn team what actual rugby is

“I’m not guilt-tripping you,” I tell Sorcha. “I’m just pointing out that this is the latest you’ve been home since you storted in LinkedIn.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: One by one, I open the buttons of my shirt. Then, I stort unloading the dishwashing, making sure to let him (...)

'I’ll get you some money in a minute, whatever you’re called. First, I need to weigh you.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: God, Fionnuala has tipped waiters that for a good Martini

'Honor is taking the whole thing in her stride. She goes, 'I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. I won’t be going anywhere with them tomorrow.''

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Tempers fray as the family are landed with some cling-ons

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: The family is flying to the south of France. It hasn’t started well

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I set off for the driving test centre confident it would be 17th time lucky

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I know I’m a terrible father”

Sorcha’s decided to go back to work, and wants me to stay home to look after the kids

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Sorcha, please. I genuinely don’t think I can do this. I’ll find another job. I could give the Leinster Branch a ring”

While this conversation is happening, I should mention, the triplets are running amok

'Can I just stop you, Dave? There’s no point in trying to teach me stuff, because I’m as thick as that wall there. It’s 10 seconds of your life that you’re never going to get back.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s time to learn some crucial differences between GDPR and CPR

There has to be a consequence for ruining Sorcha’s royal wedding porty, hasn’t there?

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: So I’m lying on the floor in Bilbao airport – in shock

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: In fact my ancestors – brace yourselves, goys – are from Munster

Ross has done a whole series of advertisements for the ‘Irish Times’ property section

Surely Ross can come up with a plan to save a little bit of southside heritage

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Ronan wants to go to New York and hab a woord with his heerdo

Ross realises that Dermot Bannon has warped the minds of his customers

Sorcha ends up totally losing it with her: ‘You will not stort using it all the time’

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: Rude restaurants – in Ranelagh – are back and the family has a booking

She stops laughing and touches her cheek, then stares at her wet fingers like she’s seeing a miracle.

Just when Ross thought there were no more tears, the floodgates open in Bucharest

Ireland are playing Scotland, but I know my old dear well enough to know when I’m being blackmailed

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The Mount Anville past pupils breakfast is like LinkedIn with egg-white omelettes

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The agency is now rebanding and our Ross doesn’t like it at all

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s digging her way through a landfill of old memories

'Sorcha – in common with hundreds of thousands of others – hasn’t figured out yet that Honor is using her YouTube channel to test the bounds of women’s gullibility.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’d better look at the video she posted three days ago’

Honor is rude to randomers on Grafton Street – and Ross has never been so proud

'Brian O’Driscoll did things for this country. I don’t think it’s too much to ask people to set aside one day of the year to reflect on that.'

Ross discovers that his idea of a Holy Day of Obligation doesn’t quite tally with his boss

Ross isn’t on board with Sorcha’s Irish resolution – and it’s about to blow up in his face

“The universities award honorary doctorates. We just thought, isn’t it time we started to award Honorary Leaving Certificates?”

Ross gets a surprising phone call – it might be time to break out the ‘flat hat thing’

Honor fights her corner: “Er, you’re the one who’s always saying we shouldn’t tell lies.”

Ross O’Carroll Kelly goes to Cork and finds there’s no room at the Jury’s Inn

“You do this every year, Ross. You build Christmas up in your head to be this major thing and it never lives up to your expectations.”

A letter from Santa to a young Ross leaves him a little bit choked up

Straight down the line: the launch of the Luas Green line extension on O’Connell Street with Taoiseach Leo Varadkar,  Minister for Transport Shane Ross and Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe. Photograph: Cyril Byrne

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s mother puts herself on the line to prevent the Luas routes linking up

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The man who’s standing in front of us is a shell of his former self

The gaff is rammers when we arrive. Half of Ronan’s estate must be here, crammed into his kitchen – all of him and Shadden’s mates, then all the neighbours as well

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: She believes processed cheese is a slippery slope to drug addiction

“You’re horrible to women and men. It’s one of the few things I actually like about you.”

Ross gets a pep talk from Honor – but that may not actually be a good thing

“I know what you’re trying to do? You’re testing me to see if I’m capable of taking orders from you as an actual woman. And I’m happy to say that I’m about to prove you wrong.”

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly has been sent for Gender Attitude Reconditioning. It’s not going well

“What’s it going to do for their morale when they see the Rossmeister using the urinal next to them in the staff toilet?”

How many allegations of sexual harassment are there against Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?

Hennessy and the old man have bought Hook, Lyon & Sinker, but the way Hennessy’s talking, it’s not looking like yours truly is the(...)

“Could they not be, I don’t know, eating stuff while they’re shiteing on? Earwig sandwiches. Bonjella on a cream cracker. Blah, blah, blah.”

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Impeachment of a student officer? In the Orts Block? No way

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: My daughter is doing a Closet Purge for her vlog. It involves petrol

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: If you’d told me, when I was, like, 16, that I’d end up literally working for a living, I would have asked you, well, what was the point of playing rugby in the first place? Illustration: Alan Clarke

There are two goys waiting in reception for me. It’s two – literally – gordaí

Honor reminds me of one of those shop girls who can chat away happily to the girl working at the next till while at the same time acting like a complete focker to actual customers.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: It’s like Honor’s had some kind of, I don’t know, personality transplant?

“She’s 12, Sorcha. What she gets up to is her own business.”

‘There could be anything in there: a gun, €100k in cash, one of her teachers gagged’

Out of the corner of her mouth, she goes, “I will never, ever forgive you for this, Ross.”

The old dear is absolutely bulling over the surprise 70th birthday party I threw her

“It’s an old rugby injury. You were probably wondering was I that Ross O’Carroll-Kelly? There’s your answer.” Illustration: Alan Clarke

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I whip out the old Southside Roll then and I peel off a 20’

I’m looking out the window, thinking, yeah, no, the more time she spends at school, the less time we have to put up with her

First day in ‘actual Mount Anville’, but the last thing Honor needs is a chaperone

“It’s not that I don’t know how to do it? It’s just that it’s never come up before. I mean, everyone knows the words to, ‘Ten, nine, eight, seven, six…’ don’t they? But who has ever had to count backwards from 20 before?”

Ross is going under the knife, but counting backwards from 20 is causing problems

'This is Fionnuala O’Carroll-Kelly, the author and humanitarian, and I wish to know why I’ve been sent a – what does it say on it, Ross – Free Travel Pass?'

The old dear might be ‘entitled’ to free travel, but that doesn’t mean she wants it

An impromptu picture show puts Ronan in an awkward position

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I see a photograph of a stripper and a hand offering her $20

'It’ll be like Oliver Plunkett’s head. People will travel from miles around to see Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s hip.'

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: 'Ross, you soft-as-shite, south Dublin mammy’s boy'

“Ross, how long have you had problems with your hip? I’ve been listening to that thing clicking for 10 years or more.”

Ross finds the past, and tackles by Jerry Flannery, catching up with him

With Sorcha away at a Himalyan spa near Drumshanbo, experience tells me to be definitely wary of my daughter Honor

'The old man, Hennessy and Kennet all just stare at me – in, like, total awe? That can happen sometimes – I’ll say shit that’s accidentally clever.'

I’ve hordly ever seen the old man this excited about something non-rugby related

The black eyes? “It was a bit of rugby banter in Kielys between me and a dude from Gonzaga, which spilled into violence, which then spilled into handshakes, pints all round and an agreement to respect each other’s traditions and way of life,” I told him.

The bridesmaids are like zombie-movie extras who did their own make-up on a moving bus

Grievous Bodily Horm just laughs when I explain why I’m leaving his wife’s hotel room

I give her one of my looks. I’m like, “You know, you’re a very attractive woman, Malicious.” She’s not, by the way.

Cleaning up the mess from Ronan’s latest fling means putting my body on the line

“Sorry, who put this obvious lunatic in charge of the country?”

No wonder Varadkar is saying ‘in Ireland it no longer matters where you come from’

“Being able to look people in the eye while lying to them is the first skill that I wrote down on my LinkedIn profile”

That’s not a question you want to hear from a well-known gangland criminal

Sometimes the best advice we can give our children is the most blindingly obvious

I love my daughter and I would defend her to death, even though I know deep down there’s something probably wrong with her

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘The boom is back, but this time the decking will be composite’

Ro and the wife of a gangland criminal are going at it. We’re all focking dead

Ronan got to see four of what they call The Big Five – the ex-pat Irish criminals the gordaí would most love to put behind bors

I’ve been stealing client files from the Hook, Lyon and Sinker office for the past few weeks with a view to hopefully setting up my own estate agency

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: This one could last six or seven years if we all stop asking questions

“I tend to look for any crumb of comfort – like, for instance, this is the first time in about four years that we haven’t been advised to have legal representation present.”

It’s parent-teacher day at Honor’s school - the day I hate more than possibly any other

Forget the housing bubble, the return of the stag weekend in Europe will be all the proof we need that the Celtic Phoenix is an ac(...)

I was like, “Remember you bought that camel for a family in Burundi? That shower were writing to you every second week asking you to throw in a goat and a few chickens.”

The one day we never mork in this house is April Fool’s Day. And there’s a very good reason for that

I was like, “Remember you bought that camel for a family in Burundi? That shower were writing to you every second week asking you to throw in a goat and a few chickens.”

Shadden and Ronan have signed up for ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ – much to Sorcha’s disgust

I stare at the old man over the top of my pint and I go, “The dude is wiping the floor with you in there. It’s hilarious seeing you get your final comeuppance.”

It seems Denis O’Brien and Donald Trump have a problem with my old man’s hair

The old man is in court over that wig he’s been wearing – guess whose side I’m on

‘As a country, we’re nearly back to where we were in ’03’

I may have a rugby brain but even I understand what the Celtic Phoenix looks like

It’s lovely to see one of my own qualities reflected back at me in one of my children

The old man rings me up the other night and he storts banging on Meryl Streep’s movies to me – critiquing her acting.

O’Carroll-Kelly snr is convinced National Security Agency is monitoring his phone calls

I say it every year. I can’t go through another championship sitting next to the old focker

“These days, of course, parents don’t need to tell their kids about The Bogeyman, because they have the President of the United States of America.”

Honor has found a new hero – the scary orange man in the white house who has taken over the planet

“I made a huge success of the old man’s shredding company before I unfortunately ran it into the ground. And anyway, I’m pretty much already running Hook, Lyon and Sinker as it is.”

Ross has announced he’s going into business, but Sorcha is not sure he’s up to it

I’m there, “Sorcha, are you honestly telling me you don’t think she’s spilling out of the top of that dress.” Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, I have no idea what you’re even talking about. She just looks normal to me.”

Sorcha and I meet Fionnuala for ‘supper’ and she reveals a big surprise at the dinner table

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