MAGPIE:EVERY NOW and then, one comes across cast iron evidence that proves the human race really is quite, well, thick. In this instance, the evidence is dough and sugar-based, rather than cast iron, but the point holds all the same . . .
Magpie is grateful for the adjoining photograph which came in this week's sack of fan mail. Without holding face-to-face interviews with the relevant parties (which is impossible 'cus Magpie hasn't a clue who they are and, based on the available evidence, they may not wish to come forward) it is impossible to know precisely how this happened but here's a stab at it.
Suzanne was leaving her job. Why we know not but we wish her well. Sources suggest she may have been employed by one of our larger supermarket chains. A kind soul among Suzanne's colleagues, wishing to give her a decent send off, commissioned a cake. Instructions were dispatched as to what should be written on the icing.
"Best wishes Suzanne" was the top line - well, it does what it says on the tin, as they say - and, underneath that, "we will miss you". The result, er, speaks for itself . . .
***
Staying with the visual (and why not?), Magpie notes the arrival of the Sarah Palin doll (her adoring fans are, Magpie feels in his waters, unlikely to regards her as a doll but no matter, the rest of us can).
Two 12-inch dolls come in two varieties: Sarah the Executive and Sarah the Super Hero (why choose she's both, surely?) and are made by (who else?) Hero-builders of Oxford, Connecticut. "I expect the gun-toting doll will sell the better of the two. She's tough, she's a hunter, a real action hero," says Hero-builders founder Emil Vicale, sounding like he ought to be copywriting her election telly ads. Hero-builders are flogging them for £16, or about €20, and no, we don't know where you can buy yours . . . That's what Google is for.
***
Meanwhile, a gal after Sarah's heart has popped up in Romania. Raluca Radu (24) let fly after a rather too persistent suitor asked her to dance five times at the nightclub in Pascani.
Radu pulled out a pistol and took pot shots at a disco Romeo who wouldn't take no for an answer. Her four shots missed her would-be suitor who fled the club unharmed. She faces charges.
"This guy was really coming on strong and being a real pain. She took the gun out of her handbag and let rip. I doubt anyone will be brave enough to ask her for a dance for a long time," said one clubber. Alaskan Moose send their sympathies.
***
A mugger in Italy got more than he bargained for when he tried to rob a national karate champion. Four times Italian women's champion Lara Liotta (29) was in central Rome when the man approached her and asked her for a cigarette.
When she told him she did not smoke he allegedly lunged for her and grabbed her around the neck. Miss Liotta, who works as a prison officer, immediately put her black belt training to good use, delivering two swift jabs to the man's face which sent him crashing to the ground.
"No one helped me or stopped, even though there are lots of people around at that time of the day," she told an Italian newspaper.
Doesn't sound like she needed any help at all. After punching the man to the floor, she ran to the nearby railway station of Termini and alerted police, who caught him before he could run away. He was arrested and detained on charges of assault.
***
A dog nicknamed Scooby has given evidence in a French court.
The animal is believed to have been with his 59-year-old owner when she was found hanging from the ceiling of her Paris flat. Police believe it was suicide but her family demanded a murder investigation.
During a preliminary hearing the pet was led into the witness box by a vet to see how it reacted to a suspect. It is said to have "barked furiously".
The aim was to decide if there was sufficient evidence to launch a full murder inquiry and a judge is yet to reach a decision. French judge Thomas Cassuto praised the animal for his "exemplary behaviour and invaluable assistance".
A spokesman for the Palais de Justice in Paris confirmed that the Nanterre case was the first time a dog had appeared as a witness in criminal proceedings in France.
Barking indeed.