Small-print provisos bite hand of insurer claiming for insurance

NEWTON'S OPTIC:Hear about the insurer who went to the State seeking adequate cover?

DEAR SIR, we have received a claim for the replacement and/or repair of your insurance company. Having considered the circumstances, we must reject your application on the following grounds:

Items not covered

Your policy does not cover bicycles, jewellery or cash, where “cash” in this instance includes “shares in a bank”. It is your responsibility to read and understand these conditions.

Non-disclosure

All items worth 25 per cent or more of the total sum insured must be declared when the policy is purchased. This is standard industry practice.

As you failed to declare items of this value, your entire claim is rejected. This is also standard industry practice.

Missing documentation

We require a police report to process your claim. You should contact the police and make a full statement, giving exact details of any loss, damage or theft and the circumstances surrounding it. Alternatively, you may wish to wait until the police contact you.

Act of God

For the purposes of this rejection, “God” may refer to any person who has ever been described as a “Master of the Universe”.

Subjective injury

While we accept that you may be suffering from backlash, our independent medical examiner is unable to verify claims of an enormous pain in the neck.

Failure to notify

You did not notify us that your insurance company would be used as a place of business, that employees would be away overnight or that the security guard’s hut would contain tools and electrical equipment to the value of €50.

Wear and tear

All companies suffer wear and tear due to the normal operation of a market economy. This is not covered by your policy. For further information, please read our terms and conditions or any economics textbook published in the last 200 years.

Pre-existing condition

It is the opinion of our assessors the damage sustained by your company was due to a pre-existing condition, namely, your propensity to damage it. If you feel this is a circular argument you may appeal our decision by appealing to us to change our decision.

Model aircraft

All our policies exclude damage caused by model aircraft. Are you quite sure that your claim is not due to a model aircraft? Were any model aircraft sighted above or in the vicinity of your insurance company prior to the loss? Please submit full air traffic control logs from your nearest model airport.

Lack of due care

It is our understanding that you failed at all times to keep your insurance company secure using approved locks and alarms from approved suppliers and installers. We further understand that at the time of the loss you had “just nipped out to the bank”, leaving your property in full public view. We cannot be held liable for your negligence in this matter.

War or civil disturbance

We do not cover claims due to war or civil disturbance, especially if covering the claim may cause a war or civil disturbance.

Disputed valuation

We are aware that you have valued the damage to your company at €3 billion. However, after taking into account the effect of the damage, we now value your company at €0.00. Our offer has been adjusted accordingly.