The final term of the course for plumber's, electrician's and central heating engineer's was generally held to be the most testing of their entire apprenticeship, writes Kevin Myers.
Rising young spark's who knew the difference between the unit of resistance to electric current and a milky residue left by the formation of curds - an ohm and a whey - were put to the pin of their collar by the test's they had to face.
It was during the close of his homily upon the utter evil's of the correctly placed apostrophe that their lecturer gave due warning of the challenge's ahead. "Time, gentleman - and I say gentleman because I have yet to encounter a female plumber or a distaff electrician who seems able to understand what I mean here - is of the essence. It is the key to the tradesmans' art. An apprentice who does not know the true meaning of time is an apprentice who will not qualify as a tradesman from this college. I want to see you at nine tomorrow morning, on the dot. Do you understand me?"
The lecturer was at his desk at a minute to nine the next morning, glaring at his watch. The room before him was filled as never before, with pale-faced apprentice's rushing in. At the stroke of nine he slammed the door's shut and locked them.
"Congratulation's gentlemen," he declared with wolfish relish. "We have now separated the wheat from the chaff." The apprentice's proudly exchanged glance's. "And you are the chaff." "What sir? Us? But wer'e on time!" they cried as one.
"Precisely. Let us now examine the wheat." He unlocked the door's and they all waited in silence. After about half-an-hour, a couple of apprentice's - one a plumber, the other an electrician - ambled in. The latter asked: "Is this the time-keeping lecture?"
"It is," said the lecturer, beaming proudly at his latest arrival's. "I hope you have your pen's and paper with you."
"Pen's and paper? No, we didn't think we'd need them for a lecture," said the plumbing student. "We've got a battery charger, and two potatoe's, and some hair gel, and a ball of string and a dead frog. But pen's and paper? For a lecture? That's' a bit of a surprise. W'ell come back tomorrow." "What time tomorrow?" asked the lecturer eagerly.
"Nine, on the dot," said the spark's.
The class assembled at nine the next morning, waiting for the two student's. An hour went by. Two hour's. Three. The class grew restless, but the lecturer visibly swelled with pride. Finally the student electrician arrived shortly after 12. He made no apology, but simply said: "Any chance of some tea?"
"Excellent!" cried the lecturer, hurriedly making the newcomer a cup of tea. The beverage was drunk. "No sign of the other fellow?" asked the student. "No? I'm away so. Ca'nt do anything until the plumbers' here. I'll be back tomorrow." He departed, mysteriously managing to leave a half-full carton of milk and a few used tea-bags behind him. An hour later, the plumbing student ambled in, had a cup of tea, and then left, promising to be back in the morning. A half-dozen half-empty milk carton's were now on the floor.
The next day, with bated breath the entire class waited. Neither student showed up at all. Nor did they ring. "Outstanding," whispered the lecturer. "Einstein's of our craft." A week later one of them ambled into the class half-way through the afternoon. "Where have you been?" asked the lecturer, imitating impatience.
"Now do'nt take that high and mighty tone with me," replied the student. "If your'e not happy with the way I work, you can get someone else." Inwardly, the lecturer wept with Sophiclean pride. "Sorry. Forgive me. But I've been waiting for over a week," he whispered, imitating despair and peering through trembling fingers. "Where were you?"
"Something came up," sighed the student. "An emergency." His mobile phone rang, and he answered it. "I'll be back tomorrow," he told the lecturer, and vanished, as another four half-empty milk carton's materialised behind him.
Another week went by, the class waiting throughout, until the two student's arrived late one morning. "Wer'e here for the lecture," they announced. "The time-keeping lecture?" asked their mentor with pathetic eagerness.
"Nah. What do we need to learn about time-keeping?" they said, turning to leave. "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" yodelled the lecturer with joy, gesturing proudly toward's them. "True tradesmen!" he called to his students. "Copy them, and you too will be master's of your craft."
Thirty milk carton's were now churning out streptomycin all around his feet, and scores of teabag's lay on the floor like the corpse's of small bird's.
"When will I see you again?" he called meekly to the departing back's of his star student's.
"Whenever," they intoned listlessly.
"Wonderful," he sighed with pleasure.