Good morning, and today the Diary is able to give you exclusive television coverage of the very first round-table debate between the five candidates for the Presidency. We'll start by asking the candidates to summarise their essential positions, in order of the declaration of candidature. Dana, if you please.
"Thank you, and I just want to give a big, big thank you to all my fans out there. Foetuses are human too you know, and in my Presidency, it'll be my policy to give them the vote. Those wee, wee hands will finally, finally, be able to vote Pro-Life. And not just wee, wee foetuses. Wee pre-foetal matter, that has life too. Why should that not get the vote?"
Excuse me. Hello? Are you saying that spermatozoa and ova should get the vote too?
"I think we should all get the vote and live in peace and harmony all over the world. War is bad for wee childer and other living things. Wee birds, wee butterflies. Love is good. Norvege, nul points. Et cetera."
Core position?
Thank you, Dana. Next to declare was Mary Banotti, the candidate for Fine Gael. Mary, what defines your core position?
"As Michael Collins's grandniece, I." Long pause.
I'm sorry, Mary Banotti, we seem to have trouble hearing you. We got your introduction but it sort of faded there. Could you give us your central policy statement again, please?
"As Michael Collins' grandniece, I." Longer pause.
Is that it? Is that all you're going to say? Can you not elaborate a little bit on Michael Collins?
"Certainly. If Michael Collins had been President, he would have had love and peace in Aras an Uchtarain. Michael Collins was a man of peace. His entire life - the Easter Rising, the assassinations of G Division of the DMP, the shootings of a score of men in their beds on Bloody Sunday - showed that he loved peace. Michael Collins had a dream, brothers and sisters, that one day on the green hills of Antrim the sons of slaves and the sons of former slave owners would be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood, he had a dream, hallelujah! He had a dream! He had a dream that the little children of Ireland would one day live in a nation where they would not be judged by their creed or the colour of their skin, hallelujah, but by the content of their character!
"He had a dream! As Michael Collin's grand-niece, I." Long pause.
Thank you, Michael Collins's grand-niece. Next, Adi Roche. Away you go, Adi.
Alternating Presidency
"Outreach! I have just been communing with the earth-goddess, D'ng. I will share Aras an Uachturain with D'ng. It will be an alternating Presidency, hour by hour, minute by minute. D'ng speaks to the spirits of the universe, and they too may come and live in the Park with me. Each morning, we will meditate together.
"We will hold hands beneath the rainbow. Oh look! A UFO is landing over there! Welcome spacelings! Share our warm embrace of love! We will rid the planet of nuclear matter and give hospitals in the Third World proper X-ray machines. We will dig a big pond in the Park for visiting whales. Our presidential embrace will take in the coffee plantations of Colombia and the sweatshops of Bangladesh. We will abolish them all! We will make injustice illegal worldwide! We will prevent forest fires in Indonesia! Our love will envelope the universe! Let us all - you, me, D'ng - laugh for peace, let us pray for peace, let us outreach for peace, and now, together, let us all weep for peace."
(Off-camera, Ruairi Quinn, stony faced, turns away, wipes the sick from his mouth with a freshly-ironed linen handkerchief and, drawing the shortsword he has recently bought, disembowels himself).
Mary McAleese next. You say the President is the guarantor of the constitution. What authority can you cite to justify that?
"Me! Me! I cite me! Moi! MOI! IS MISE! What more could you want? There is no need to listen to anyone but ME! Not merely am I the most brilliant lawyer in Ireland with the most constitutionally exquisite mind there has ever been, but also, I HAVE SUFFERED. ME!
Forgiveness
"I have suffered more than any other candidate for the Presidency, indeed, more than anybody else in Ireland! Under the cruel oppression in the archetypal police state that is Northern Ireland, I am merely the pro-Vice-chancellor of Queen's University Belfast and Professor of Law, yet still, I FORGIVE THE BRITISH! I forgive them because as well as having the finest brain in Ireland I also have the biggest heart. ME! Nobody forgives as I do.
"Nobody. See me? See forgiveness? Sure that's my middle name, so it is. And you Myers, you bastard, you ignorant prounionist gobshite, I forgive you too! Sure there's nobody I don't forgive.
"See these uns here, yes, youse uns, youse who HAVE THE TEMERITY to challenge MY right to the Park, I forgive youse, so I do. Here. Tell you something else for nothin'. Never mind forgivin', I actually LOVE youse uns. I do! And as for the unionists - sure I friggin' ADORE them! May God strike me dead if I tell a lie! I offer the Presidency of genius, forgiveness, modesty, truth and love. Thank youse all."
And finally, Derek Nally, what have you say for yourself?
"Now who do you think you are? Mister Damon bloody Hill and this is Mondello Park? Licence and insurance please."