Kevin Myers imagines a scenario where the newly appointed, gender-neutral, race-neutral, religion-neutral, sexual-orientation-neutral chairperson of the Police Service of Northern Ireland gazed in ill-disguised distaste at his/her fellow board members.
What an unreconstructed bunch! Although he/she had worked so hard to recruit a board that represented the New, Enlightened, Non-Unionist Northern Ireland, which would represent the entire community, provided that it was nationalist and oppressed, it was clear that in certain regards he/she had failed.
For he/she could see, clearly before his/her eyes, people who had once palpably been unionists. Some were still Protestant. And worse still, some of them were even men. Unregenerate, unapologetic, unionist men. It made a mockery of the peace process. He/she steeled his/her non-tribal, gender-neutral nationalist self. Clearly, some distasteful compromises were still necessary.
"Now," he/she announced in clear, carrying tones, "First item on the agenda is to establish once and for all the role of the RUC in the Bloody Friday massacre, and to bring the guilty parties to book."
There was the sound of a pencil snapping cleanly in two. "I beg your pardon," came the thin whisper from the mouth of a creature almost beneath contempt - someone who simultaneously was a male and a unionist. "The role of the RUC in what?" The chairperson, his/her helmet of hair lacquered onto his/her skull as if it had been made out of quick-drying concrete, smiled bleakly at his/her interlocutor.
Nobody prosecuted
"That's right. Bloody Friday. The high casualties were clearly caused by the RUC. Nobody has been prosecuted for the slaughter that day, and I think it high time the families of the bereaved had their minds put to rest. So I intend to start a sworn tribunal of enquiry, with prosecutions to follow, to examine police complicity in this outrage."
The voice which followed managed no more than a whisper. "With lawyers?"
"With lawyers, of course. We need to make the case against the police as foolproof as possible."
"But we have no lawyers left," murmured a softly dissenting voice. "Those still working here are booked for the next 15 years for Saville. Anyone else over 35 has retired to their chateaux and their parklands in the Loire valley."
"Or the Po," observed a melancholy voice. "And the poorer ones, paupers, the misfortunate bastards, have simply bought an Irish county or two each."
"Quite," replied the chairperson. "A moment's silence, if you please, for those deprived members of the legal profession." A bluebottle's drone filled the quiet which followed.
Police scandal
"Bloody Friday is not the only police scandal I wish to look into," he/she then intoned, his/her voice gravelly with gravitas. "I am especially concerned about the RUC's involvement in the Birmingham bombings, the Remembrance Sunday Massacre in Enniskillen, the Whitecross massacre in South Armagh, the La Mon House inferno, the Tullyvallen butchery. And so many more," he/she said, heaving a sigh that sounded remarkably like one of satisfaction. "For we have a duty to posterity to establish the truths of the past 30 years." There was the sound of a police board member choking in disbelief, then sliding to the ground, his heels drumming a final tattoo on the parquet.
"Next item on the agenda is a replacement for Sir Ronnie Flanagan." He/she spat delicately into a handkerchief at the sound of the outgoing chief constable's name. "I have forwarded his papers to the International War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague, with a view to prosecution. I have sworn affidavits from senior members of Sinn Féin that he was personally responsible for some of the worst atrocities of the troubles. It might be possible to resurrect the death penalty just for him." He/she paused dreamily for a while.
"But we must appoint a replacement. We have had enough white Northern Irish Protestants running the police service. What we want is someone who is a person of colour, who is not from Northern Ireland but can impose their will on the new police force, who is physically strong, who comes from a poor and underprivileged background, and who might even have been in jail. We can't discriminate against someone merely because they've fallen victim to the racist, sexist, class-ridden bigotry of establishment police forces."
The owner of the broken pencils cleared his throat. "I have the very person, perfect in every degree, apart from sex. He is, I'm afraid, a male."
The chairperson waved an indulgent hand. "No-one is perfect. But speak on. You interest me strangely."
"Our candidate is black, has known great hardship, is uncontaminated by religious bigotry of any kind. Indeed, I'm not sure he knows what religion is."
"Excellent! Religion - pah! An antiquated notion. Tell me more!"
Physically powerful
"He has been in jail, as is your preference. He is physically powerful, strong enough to impose his will on the handful of recalcitrantly unionist police officers remaining in the force. Moreover, he is a stranger to taboos of any kind, as his dietary habits suggest."
"Sounds perfect! We'll have him."
Thus it was that Sir/Lady Mike Tyson, Chief Constable of PSNI, finally found his/her true vocation in life. Meanwhile, the recently deknighted Ronnie Flanagan was led naked in chains to the kitchen, to be turned into a nourishing dish of cop au vin for his successor.