Did you hear the one about the two Irishmen who wanted to Save the Planet? One was called Dempsey and the other Roche. They were servants of the people (otherwise known as Government Ministers) and were being driven around in big German Mercedes cars at the expense of tax slaves like you and me.
As comfortable mile followed comfortable mile, their consciences began to get troubled by the detrimental effect all their motoring was having on the environment. One day they heard about a new Japanese car called a hybrid which was powered by a mixture of petrol and batteries and pink string and sealing wax and all things nice. Just the job for us, said Dempsey and Roche: they're green and will help to keep the air around us pure and clean and they only cost a hundred thousand each, take a euro or two.
But now the nasty experts are pointing out that the new hybrid is so heavy and powerful that it will emit just as much, if not more, CO2 and other noxious substances as the old Mercedes. So when they take delivery of their new chariots Ministers Dempsey and Roche could be even less green than they were before.
Since the early days of the State Cabinet Ministers - and the minor host of Ministers of State - have been entitled to cars and drivers, provided by the Garda Síochána. All former holders of the office of An Taoiseach are allowed to hold on to their cars and drivers for life. Ministers for Justice are traditionally entitled to keep their cars for a year or two after leaving office because of the perceived threat from subversives. One wily ex-Minister for Justice, of my acquaintance, managed to extend the term of this privilege by making a provocative speech about the Provisional IRA a month or so before the car was due to be returned. It was then deemed he had put himself in danger of attack and needed the protection of the State car for another year.
In the complex and demanding world of Irish politics Ministers Dempsey and Roche can be forgiven for overlooking a simple solution to their concerns about the environment: Get smaller cars and drive them yourselves. If all the big State cars and drivers were returned to barracks and Ministers allocated small self-drive cars it could solve a few of the problems facing the Government.
I know there are some unkind souls who would be unwilling to provide our worthy Ministers with anything more than a mountain bike and a pair of trouser clips, but I think they should be given reliable and economical transport, say a Fiat Panda or a Toyota Yaris, for the duration of their term of office.
With the large pool of redundant drivers available for normal policing duties the Minister for Justice, Michael McDowell, would not need to recruit the controversial Garda reserve force and would thus avoid a confrontation with the boys on the beat before they succumb to another bout of blue flu. He would also have, at no additional expense, a lot more vehicles to patrol our highways and streets, reducing incidents of crime and contributing positively to road safety.
By being required to drive the cars themselves, Ministers could more easily achieve their oft-stated wish of wanting to be close to the people. They could not possibly get closer if they drove along the M50 at rush hour in the morning or evening to cross the toll bridge. They would have the people in front of them, the people behind them, the people alongside them on both sides and ,sooner or later, the people literally bumping into them. If the Taoiseach's Panda got clamped while he was nipping into his constituency office in Drumcondra to sign a couple of cheques, he would begin to appreciate the rage felt by drivers who meet irritation after irritation at every turn of the road as they go about their daily business because of the chaotic traffic management systems in our cities and towns.
If the Minster for Foreign Affairs, Dermot Ahern, found his Yaris obstructed in St Stephen's Green by a huge limousine bearing the magical CD plate, he might try to persuade the diplomatic corps to stop abusing the privileges conferred on them. If the Minister for Finance, Brian Cowen, battling back to Tullamore in his Nissan Micra, had to pull in to buy petrol out of his own pocket, he might consider reducing the scandalously high tax on this essential commodity in his next Budget. If Minister McDowell's Ford Focus was waved down by a gaggle of gardaí for exceeding the speed limit by 5 kph on a long straight stretch of motorway in good driving conditions, he might ponder if they were being deployed in an effective manner.
If the Minister for the Environment, Dick Roche (yes, the hybrid car man), motoring down to Bray on the N11, noticed that ordinary drivers are allowed to use the bus lane on Sundays on the busy and twisting Donnybrook to Cornelscourt section but are prohibited from doing so on the wider and less busy following section, he might start thinking about the slovenly logic that is applied all over the country to speed limits, signposting, ramps, surfaces - to name but a few - and wonder why we cannot have some degree of uniformity in a small island with fewer roads than Birmingham.
Good luck with the planet, lads.