Spain's loss as Cowen tied down in Dáil

DAIL SKETCH:HIS TIE may have been the colour of Spanish marmalade, but there was to be no lunch in Madrid for Biffo. Instead, he dined on the usual cold collation of ham dished up by Enda and Eamon.

Doubtless, Mr Zapatero would have put up a lovely spread. Roast suckling pig, perhaps. Or a mouthwatering plate of tapas. And imagine the sheer joy of sinking a knife into a well-done piece of Rabbitte. But no tripe, José Luis, if you don’t mind. He gets enough of that at home.

No only that, but the Taoiseach could have answered those critics who say he lacks backbone and leadership by arriving home with a pair of castanets. That would have put the wind up his grumbling backbenchers at last night’s Parliamentary Party meeting.

Unfortunately, because of the stuttering state of the talks in Stormont, Brian Cowen’s orange tie didn’t get an outing to Northern Ireland either. His sartorial sweetener for the unionists was lost on Kenny and Gilmore.

Maybe the Taoiseach shouldn’t have been so quick to cancel lunch with his Spanish counterpart, particularly as Spain currently holds the EU presidency. He could have travelled over for his meeting, thus demonstrating to the parties in Northern Ireland that there are other important issues going on in the wider world and he can’t be expected to drop everything on the off chance that they might actually reach agreement. And then, in the event of a positive conclusion to the negotiations, he could have hopped aboard the government jet – oh, the glamour – and been in Belfast in a couple of hours.

Isn’t that what the jet is for?

Zapatero would have understood. Now, he probably thinks Biffo is a few prawns short of a paella for needlessly standing him up. Still. Spain’s loss was the Dáil’s gain. Although the standard of Leaders’ Questions was so poor that yesterday can only be viewed a lose-lose situation for everyone.

The Fine Gael leader, to be fair to him, came up with a novel solution to the twin problems of rising mortgage rates and public disquiet over taxpayers’ money going to the banks.

Somebody in FG headquarters was doing a lot of sums over the weekend, and Enda arrived in armed with facts and figures to bolster his argument that there is another way to support the ailing banks without them having to squeeze homeowners any further.

If the banks went in for some drastic “cost structure reduction” and trimmed their substantial operating costs, the billions saved would yield far more than they expect to take in by raising mortgage interest rates. He had examples of how major banks in Europe were able to get their costs down.

“That cost-base structure could be reduced by looking at the question of private dining rooms, private art galleries, limousines and all the other excesses that banks and bank boards have put together over the years,” Enda argued. He insisted that the Government go to the banks and demand to see their plans for “cost-structure reduction” implemented before they could even contemplate tinkering with the interest rates.

It’s a proposal that would go down very well with voters. Fair play to Enda, a brave idea from the man who would be Taoiseach, seeing as it carries with it a whiff of turkeys voting for Christmas. Where else, one wonders, do people toil in a place with private dining facilities, a very fine art collection and limousines with drivers supplied for the top brass?

He was standing in it.

Eamon Gilmore, meanwhile, was worried about the increase in applications for third-level courses and the lack of places. Why not put the buildings that have gone into Nama to use?

It’s an intriguing suggestion. Ghost estates could become student accommodation centres and distance-learning facilities, for example. Vast swathes of Leitrim and Longford could rival Oxford and Cambridge, without the spires. And there’s a spanking new Anglo Irish Bank headquarters lying idle in the centre of Dublin. That could be turned into an correctional institution for wayward developers and a seat of learning for the financially promiscuous.

Not that Biffo was impressed by any of the ideas put forward by the Opposition, although he did concede that more third-level places had to be provided.

Sadly, everything said these days by the Taoiseach falls into the category of aspiration. When a truly awful set of exchequer returns was published in the afternoon, it was clear that the Government doesn’t have enough money to pay for a box of chalk, never mind the requirements of an entire student body.

The Taoiseach also seemed to indicate that Eamon Ryan’s big promise that an expert panel to help those in debt had been designated a “priority matter” and will be up and running within weeks, was wide of the mark.

“Another old soggy lettuce coming from The Green Party,” harrumphed Sinn Féin’s Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin.

Biffo wouldn’t have got that at lunch in Madrid.