ASK THE EXPERT:There is no 'right' time to move a child into their own bedroom. Do whatever suits you and your family
I HAVE a 22-month-old little girl. Since she was born she has slept in our bedroom, albeit in her own cot. She is still in our bedroom (happily, I might add!).
However, when friends hear this they accuse me of being afraid to let her go and warn me of all the trouble I am going to have when we do move her into her own room.
When should you move a child into their own room? Are we holding her back by keeping her in our bedroom?
Me thinks this is a follow-on from my recent reply to another question about co-sleeping. The simple answer is that there is no "right" or "best" time to move a child who has been sleeping in your room.
The stage at which children graduate to their own beds in their own rooms is different for every family that has chosen to co-sleep. Generally it occurs quite naturally. Sometimes space opens up in another bedroom because we finally get the junk cleared or decide to double up some older children.
Sometimes we need to be guided by the messages we get from our children that they want the independence. You mention your daughter is 22 months old; coming up to two years of age is when many children show growing independence and a recognition that they are separate from their parent (often most clearly seen in phrases like "no" or "I do it my own self").
Other times children move rooms because parents finally tire of sharing and want their own space back. The reasons are many and varied and usually coincide with the changing needs of a child or family
Having her in your room doesn't hold her back. It is simply a part of how you and your family are choosing to live out the attachment relationship you have.
For you and your daughter it is comfortable and reassuring to be in the same room. If you had wanted to, you could have maintained the comfort and reassurance if she had been in another room - you would just have had to work it differently.
The ideal is for all children to psychologically separate from their parent and this is a process that begins around age two and goes on all through childhood (and sometimes beyond!) and, for many, where they sleep can be indicative of some of that separateness. But it is not a measure of it, nor does co-sleeping mean that you and she can't or won't separate.
So if I were you I'd try to relax and enjoy the closeness that co-sleeping undoubtedly gives you and your daughter.
You might need to be reminded of it when she is 16!
I have concerns about a six year old. He displays excessive separation anxiety when mum leaves him. He has been diagnosed with alopecia. Now he constantly fingers his hair if separated from mum. He often looks sad. Any advice?
Separation anxiety is a very common thing in children young and old. How they show their anxiety is usually what stresses us parents; especially when they get very distressed.
You mention that your son has alopecia and, as far as I am aware, alopecia is an autoimmune disease that leads to loss of hair in either small tufts or sometimes total baldness. So, as I am sure you are aware, his hair loss and development of alopecia are unlikely to be stress- or anxiety-related.
Sometimes separation anxiety is associated with a fear that the parent won't return, or that the child will in some way be unable to cope and be in danger without the parent present. This leads to all of the physical responses that any anxiety will produce.
Those physical responses can include heart rate rising, breathing becoming shallower, butterflies in the tummy, dry mouth and so on. Of course, as soon as the physical sensation of anxiety is present it can actually increase the emotional experience of the feeling too.
Deep breathing is a great way of relaxing the body. Long, slow breaths on the way in and out lower the heart rate and get breathing back on track. It is easy for a six-year-old to learn and you can confidently assure him that breathing deeply, long and slow, will always work to help him feel less anxious.
Get someone else you trust to be around when you aren't so they can help remind your son to do his deep breathing and can distract him away from thinking about your absence.
Give him specific direction about how long he'll be away from you, and ways to measure that time passing (like that you'll be home before a particular TV programme starts, or after lunch or dinner, or before bedtime).
Do a lot of empathy with him, support him emotionally about how hard he seems to find it missing you and also more generally about his sadness.
I wrote a response to another query recently about the kinds of emotional statements you might make to a child missing a parent. Follow up this emotional responding with expressions of your confidence that he can cope and remind him of the breathing and anything else he will be doing that will distract him. Then you too need to show confidence that when you go he will cope.
I would imagine, too, that if he is losing small patches of hair he probably fingers the bald spots naturally and now it has become a habitual action. Just like a child sucking his thumb or clutching a "blankie", he could be using his hair as an emotional comforter.
He probably isn't conscious of his hair fingering and sometimes just bringing a child's attention to what they do allows them to change the habit.
As well as this though, give him an alternative to picking at his hair, such as plucking or fingering the fur of a stuffed toy or kneading a small stress ball. He may still need a "thing" to help comfort himself.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and the author of Parenting is Child's Play. He has also presented two series of Families in Trouble. He is currently working on a new series called 21st Century Child.
Readers' queries are welcome but David Coleman regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
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