Fighting jealous thoughts

Mind Moves: Last week I wrote about one of the most toxic of human emotions, jealousy. While it can sometimes play a healthy role in intimate relationships by helping to re-define those boundaries that are critical to protecting intimacy between two people, it often manifests itself in a very destructive way in romantic relationships as "morbid" jealousy.

This form of jealousy has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with deep personal insecurities that are the psychic remnants of one's own childhood losses.

It is a pattern of behaviour that unfortunately re-appears over and over again, getting played out in destructive patterns of abusive accusations, stalking, obsessive monitoring, or interrogations. The impact on the accused partner is incredibly wearing and, if it remains unchecked, morbid jealousy inevitably strangles the life of any relationship.

But how can you begin to get some control over this dangerous emotion before it destroys the very intimacy you are attempting to secure?

The key to breaking the grip of jealousy is to catch it as it takes form in the mind and take some constructive action.

Jealousy always focuses the mind away from oneself and obsesses about the imagined disloyalty of another. Bringing attention back to oneself and taking time to become grounded and relaxed can rein the mind back in rather than allow it get carried away.

Our breath is an immediately available and simple tool for bringing our mind back to the present moment. To steady yourself, focus your attention in your belly, and watch the rise and fall of your abdominal wall as you breathe. Recognising jealous feelings, confronting them and seeing them for what they are is critical. "Breathing in, I see my insecurities and I accept they are there, breathing out, I take care of my suffering."

Watch how the drama of jealousy unfolds. The images that surface of your loved one's unfaithfulness can be compelling. In many ways, they are like a TV soap opera. When you watch them, you can become drawn in by the drama, but if you just turn down the volume, you soon see that it is just bad acting that has you hooked.

Recognising and accepting that your mind is fixated around a hurt that belongs to much earlier in your life can move your attention back to the root of your insecurities, the loss that you did experience a long time ago, the hurt that still needs healing. This is not easy to do.

You need time and repeated practice. The ego would prefer to blame another, rather than confront and embrace its own wounds.

The key strategies for managing jealousy are to contain and communicate, rather than accuse and act out against another.

Communication is a first-person exercise, beginning with an admission that one is hurting and upset. "I need to say something, love. I am hurting and confused, my old fears are playing inside my head and I need to share them with you so you can help me to recover some peace about us."

Watch out for "you" statements that invariably imply some form of accusation and blame. Try to keep your focus on your own emotional experience and stay with that.

Communication is important because it breaks the tendency to isolate oneself and allow the demons of jealousy to run riot. To diffuse some of the intensity of your feelings, before talking about them to a loved one, it can sometimes be wise to talk first to a friend who can be supportive but objective.

Being the innocent party at the receiving end of repeated accusations of infidelity can create a whole other set of problems. If you buy into these claims, you may begin to see yourself as incapable of a commitment to another. You hear constantly that you are a flirt and wonder if perhaps there is truth in that. Social encounters become nightmares as you watch your every interaction and wait for the inevitable accusations when you get home.

Because of the very intimate nature of these interrogations, you may not reveal to anyone that they are happening. To do so may feel like a betrayal and confirm that all your loved one has accused you of is true. Be careful. Secrecy can feed the problem, not curtail it.

Jealousy never goes away of its own accord just because you give in to it. In fact, it worsens, and your life can become increasingly constricted and limited by it.

Communication is also critical for the innocent party in a jealous relationship. You need to talk to someone and get some kind of reality check on the accusations being levelled at you.

Talking directly to your loved one can help to re-locate the problem back to where it really belongs but that isn't always possible for people who feel extremely vulnerable and intimidated by constant abuse.

Your GP may prove to be an important objective resource if your loved one's behaviour deteriorates into aggression. In some cases, the only solution is to get out and refuse to return until your partner accepts that they need help and commit to seeking it professionally.

This may sound a little extreme, but believe me, I've seen jealousy taken to the extreme of homicide and I never under-estimate its potential destructiveness.

• Dr Tony Bates is principal psychologist at St James's Hospital, Dublin