ASK THE EXPERT:Schools - and the changes for pupils - can soon become a problem for us all, writes David Coleman
I'M SURE you get questions all the time about children starting school and their anxieties and stuff. This is similar, but different.
My 13-year-old boy has just started secondary school. Even though he is barely a week in the door he is already saying he hates it and wants to change school. I can't imagine how he feels so strongly so quickly. Myself and his dad have been telling him to slow down a bit and to give it a chance and to wait to give himself time to settle in a bit.
But even though I am trying to sound confident and patient when I talk to him, I am actually terrified that he is being bullied - but I don't want to sound paranoid in front of him (or give him an excuse to keep pushing to leave the school). Could he be being bullied and would it be enough to make him want to leave so soon?
HONESTLY, I don't know if your son is being bullied, but of course it is possible. I would be surprised, however, if he is being bullied to the extent of wanting to leave school so quickly in the year. As you say, he is barely a week in the school, and so I would imagine that all of the first years are trying to find their feet and work out their position in the pecking order.
It may also be the case that he is just panicking because his expectations of the school are not being met by the reality of it.
The transition from primary to secondary can be quite shocking for some pupils who are used to a single teacher and little movement during the day. Suddenly they are faced with older pupils again, lots of teachers with a whole range of styles and personalities, and a huge new system to try to make sense of. I think your approach of wait and see is absolutely appropriate. A comparatively snap decision to move school will not add to your son's confidence and may in fact bolster a belief that he can't cope with change, stress, novelty, making new friends or whatever is his difficulty.
I think you are right to continue to offer him lots of opportunity to talk about his experience in the school. You can check with him about bullying, or in other ways you can acknowledge for him that the move to this school is indeed stressful, and maybe not exactly what he was expecting.
Perhaps, too, it would be helpful to talk to his year head, who may not yet know him, but can keep an eye out for him and perhaps help him to negotiate some of the newness of the school.
MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD daughter started in junior infants the other day. On the face of it, she seems to love school. She skips in the school gates in the morning and in the afternoon she talks very positively about her new teacher when she comes home. So I don't think she has separation anxiety (she was in preschool, in any case) or that she doesn't like the school.
But I reckon something must be up, because her behaviour has been really bad every evening. She is rowing with me and has started needling at her little sister, saying mean things and pinching her. They always got on great up to this. The only thing that has changed in our lives is that she has started school. Any ideas why she might be acting so bold?
I DO HAVE a few! It is great that your daughter sounds like she is really enjoying school. Even though it is a very positive experience for her so far, you need to remember that she is actually working very hard and expending a huge amount of psychological energy to fit in and make sense of the new school system.
We can easily underestimate the effort required of children to negotiate their way into the group that the class represents. Similarly they are trying to present a particular version of themselves to this new world and trying to cope with new rules and a new environment. It is exhausting.
I would guess that your daughter is reacting to her exhaustion by getting fractious (others may just sleep on the sofa). It is possible too that her behaviour may also be an unspoken plea to keep minding her even though she is now going to "big" school, ie she may not yet feel ready to be so grown-up.
The good thing is that as she settles to the routine of school and becomes more accustomed to the physical and psychological demands, her behaviour will settle back too. So be as patient and understanding as you can for the next while and all should be well soon.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster with RTÉ television. More information about David can be found on his website: davidcoleman.ie
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie