Fantasy climate football: A footy fan’s guide to the Paris summit

The aim of the political game in the Paris climate summit is to reduce global emissions while furthering one’s own interests at the expense of everyone else. There are around 20 negotiating groups, and the rules, which have been set by the rich countries, are bendable.

But just as players move between clubs in the English Premier League, so countries at the UN climate talks switch between negotiating groups and make secret alliances. They can also belong to several groups at the same time. The game is played in two halves - the first week when the diplomats talk, the second when the politicians arrive (although not the world leaders who are only required for the anthems at the start of the match). As in football, money is no object for some teams.

In reality several teams can win and the whole world can lose. The referee is French and the match is nigh-on guaranteed to go to extra time.

The teams:

US

Most like: Manchester United

Arrogant, rich and powerful, the US team plays alone and scores even when not playing, at places like Kyoto. It has fantatical supporters but is a bully. May decline to pay weaker clubs the $100bn it promised them in 2009.

EU

Most like: Chelsea

This team of 28 extremely rich players negotiates as one, has great individuals but is widely disliked at home and has been in turmoil all season. It is unable to agree on a way forward and is now losing ground to everyone.

Basic group: India, China, Brazil, Mexico, Indonesia and South Africa

Most like: Manchester City

Thrusting, ambitious, fabulously wealthy world-class team seeking to dominate the league but often caught flat-footed at the end of play by the older teams who set the rules. Expects to do well this year.

Cartegena group

Most like: Arsenal

A flash, medium-sized, rich team including Australia, Chile and Norway which has style but no world-class striker. Played a blinder at the Durban round of climate talks four years ago to save the game.

G77 and China

Most like: Liverpool

Originally set up in 1964 with 77 players this is now by far the biggest team in the league with 132 players made up of developing nations from all over the world. Used to be all-powerful in the climate talks but these days it struggles to hold positions when its players defect to other teams near the end of the game.

The V20

Most like: Leicester

A team of 20 countries, including Tuvalu, Maldives, Kiribati, Kenya, Nepal and the Philippines, which everyone thinks will go down but actually is quite strong.

ALBA

Most like: Sunderland

Radical team, formerly known as the Bolivarian Alliance for the Peoples of our America, includes Bolivia, Ecuador and Venezuela. Never a dull moment with this team of politically incorrect countries which consists entirely of left-footed players. Creates enormous excitement among young fans and always disappoints.

LDCs

Most like: Crystal Palace

The team of 50 countries defined as “least developed” by the UN work together to defend their particular interests. Solid defence in the face of immense pressure from rich teams, but usually crack at the end.

The Umbrella Group

Most like: Stoke

A team of non-EU developed countries including Australia, Canada, Iceland, Japan, New Zealand, Norway and Russia. Theoretically strong but lacks management and consistency.

AOSIS (Alliance of small island states)

Most like: Bournemouth

A team of 43 low-lying coastal and small island countries which always expects to be relegated but plays the sympathy card and survives on the goodwill of richer clubs. Defensive tactics earn them huge amounts of aid money in return for supporting bigger countries at key moments. Easily bought.

Environment integrity group

Most like: Everton

Diplomatically bizarre team of Switzerland, Mexico and South Korea. Good, middle ranking, safe team unlikely to upset anyone.

Like minded developing countries (LMDC)

Most like: Tottenham

A very strong team on paper that includes China, India, Malaysia and Indonesia and other rapidly developing Asian countries who all play away for the G77. Should be at the top of the league but consistently underachieve.

African group

Most like: Aston Villa

Led by South Africa, this team of 55 African players underperforms for its size but has few resources and has its players poached by rich teams.

AILAC

Most like: West Brom

The Independent Alliance of Latin America and the Caribbean team includes Colombia, Costa Rica, Chile, Peru, Guatemala and Panama and other Latin players. These are mainly right-footers who refuse to play with the left-footers of ALBA.

SICA

Most like: West Ham

The Central American Integration System, nick-named the “Freetraders”, is made up of Belize, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, Panama and the Dominican Republic. SICA often does not turn up.

SIDS

Most like: Southampton

The Small Island Developing States is another coalition of low-lying islands, most of which are also members of the G77. SIDS players are united only by fear of the threat that climate change poses to their survival and frequently adopt a common stance in negotiations.

CACAM

Most like: Norwich City

A group of countries of Central Asia, Caucasus, Albania and Moldova. Entirely irrelevant in the league.

Opec

Most like: Newcastle

Group of 13 oil-producing countries led by Saudi Arabia. Frequently accused of playing dirty. But they still wield considerable power and play a sophisticated game by defending impossible positions. Having a bad season because players are increasingly worthless.

Group of states of Central Asia, Transcaucasia and Moldova

Most like: Watford

An occasional grouping of countries. No one can say if or where this team plays or understands their tactics.

(Guardian News and Media 2015)