Parents frequently comment that the advice in this column makes so much sense when they are reading it. However, the problems arise when they put it into practice. If you are one of those parents who have been deflated by your best efforts being thrown back in your face, you are not alone. Why is there such a gap between the endless advice which is available about managing your child effectively and the reality of the daily struggle to get it right? The answer lies in the fact that there are so many factors which influence behaviour, of which the books rarely take account.
Lack of consistency: If one parent is buying into the correct parenting approaches which he or she has read about or picked up in a class and the other parent does not commit to the approach, this will invariably lead to disaster. All parents are familiar with this scenario of their child looking to the other parent in the event that they do not get their way at the first time of asking. If there is one "softie" in the household and the other parent is more strict, address this discrepancy. This is particularly relevant for separated couples. Some mothers tell me their partners have dismissed a practical approach with "that psychology stuff is a load of crap". If this is your situation, establish some basic ground rules which you both agree upon, while accepting that you may not be able to achieve all your objectives.
Lack of time: The factors which have created our booming economy have meant time with the children gives way to paying for an exorbitant mortgage. There needs to be more discussion and research done before any firm conclusions can be made about the impact of both parents working on the children. However, regardless of working arrangements, spending some time with the children doing anything at all pays dividends in a number of ways. Apart from the obvious enjoyment of it, this is the time when parents truly get to know their child. It is at these times that the child is likely to open up and express feelings. The communication channels, which are so essential to a parent-child relationship, will be wide open if a child has the opportunity to interact with a parent in a non-pressured way on a regular basis.
Kids have too much: Very often parents may try to compensate for the time lost with the children by providing material goods. One trip to the various mega-malls around the country will highlight the plethora of trivial goods available. This is a real sign of a wealthy (I refrain from using the word "healthy") economy. Extra disposable income has meant children, for the most part, can have whatever they want. Regrettably, this does not lead to a harmonious household. It is simply not possible to buy co-operative behaviour from your child. You must set limits on pocket money, birthday presents, Christmas presents, trips to McDonald's, and all the trappings of our society of excess.
Before this begins to read like a Sunday sermon, keep in mind that the expectations of an overindulged child do not diminish. The worry is that as material goods lose their allure, children will start to look for what is next - perhaps that's why children are becoming involved with drugs, alcohol and sexual activity at younger and younger ages.
The influence of television: It could be argued that parents today have less influence over their children's behaviour than ever before, likely because of the impact of television. Television seems to set the standards for dress, musical tastes, attitude to parents, and what is acceptable as a Christmas present. This makes it all the harder to apply consistency, establish household rules and enjoy time with the children; computer games and the Internet have similar effects. The best bet is to have clearly designated times when the television and the computer will be made available. This access should be earned following co-operative behaviour. The ideal would be to have no television. But your children probably would not let you get rid of it!
Stress: Parents have no problem being consistent, giving attention, etc. in the absence of any other "stressors". But this is rarely the case. A more typical scenario is one in which all the children are sick, you have just received a bill for £200 which you had not expected, your partner is not talking to you and you feel a flu coming on. At these times, the advice columns on parenting only serve to heighten feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Pressures and stress are inevitable, but you can do something. Eating a balanced diet and getting regular exercise are the obvious starting points. Ensuring that you go out at the weekend with your partner or your friends and asking for help when you need it will also contribute to your wellbeing.
Beware of relatives! Well meaning grandparents, aunts and uncles can often scupper your best-laid plans. It is very difficult for a parent who decides that sweets are to be given on a limited basis to politely explain to grandparents that you do not want them to bring your child's favourite chocolate bar any more. Establish the rules around treats from relatives well before they are actually distributed.
Unrealistic expectations: Many parents have particular aspirations for their children. I would encourage parents to enjoy their children simply for what they are and not for what they might become. There are many parents whose dream that their child would become a lawyer was realised, only to discover that he or she was miserable in the job. It is impossible to predict the future, so make the most of the present.
Do not expect perfection: This is an unattainable commodity. Advice columns are written to emphasise particular points; real life will rarely be captured in a few words. There will always be unanticipated situations which will not match the ideals set out in parenting advice.
Dr Mark Harrold is a clinical psychologist.
