It's hard enough sorting out the relationship with a child's birth father - without an unwanted third party

WHEN MY husband and I adopted Andrew, my son from a previous relationship, we agreed that it would be in Andrew's best interest to continue seeing his birth father, even though for many years my husband had been the true father figure in his life.

This arrangement drifted along with few disagreements - until the arrival of Brian's 23 year old fiancee, who took on the role of spokesperson / PR officer. All communication had to be carried out through this young woman, my son's senior by just a few years.

No decisions regarding visits could be made without first consulting her. I was not allowed to speak to Brian for fear I might upset him. She announced she wanted to share my son and that I should show some respect if I wanted her "to take Andrew on", as she would be the one who would be looking after him and cooking meals during his visits.

I could not believe what I was hearing. How dare this person think she could arrive in our lives and not only tell us how to behave, but also to believe she had some God given maternal right?

Not possessing the self control needed in a situation of this type, a battle of words ensued which I regretted afterwards.

ALTHOUGH I DISLIKE this person and resent her intrusion into my family's life, I do recognise that she is fond of Andrew and makes quite an effort to make his days out enjoyable. While she has made it clear that she also dislikes me, Andrew is thankfully unaware of our feelings for one another and believes that we are friends.

I would prefer if this were the case. Not necessarily soul buddies - an "on the surface" friendship would suffice. Whether I like it or not, this woman will most likely always play a part in Andrew's life, and therefore in our family's. She will be there for his confirmation, graduation, wedding, his children's christenings - the list is endless.

My husband and I have provided a secure family environment for Andrew; he knows how much he is loved and, above all, wanted. He understands his adoption - for my husband to become his "real" dad was something he wanted very much.

Contrary to popular thinking, I wish I had never encouraged any contact between my son and his birth father. I don't believe this would have had any adverse effect on his psychological well being - and I know it would have made his and all our family circumstances a lot less complicated.