Once, when I was in eating disorder treatment at a body image group therapy session, I described myself as “the literal elephant in the room”. I was the only person in a larger body in the circle on that occasion and hideously conscious of it. For so many of my fellow patients, their greatest, debilitating fear was gaining weight – and there I was, after years of binge eating, their ultimate nightmare in the room with them. The elephant quip was caught by the staff and a discussion followed about what it’s like for a fat person to know that others may look at them with disgust, pity and horror. It wasn’t a comfortable experience, but at least it was in a controlled and professional environment.
If there’s a fat person in your life – a family member or a friend – there’s a pretty strong chance they’re dreading feeling like the literal elephant in the room this Christmas. I can’t speak for all of them, but here are a few things they might want you to know this festive period.
They know that they’re fat
Pointing out someone’s weight gain or larger body is not something that’s ever invited but, more importantly, it’s not necessary. Trust me, there is nothing a fat person is more keenly aware of than the space they take up. My body has drastically changed many, many times in my adult life and my abiding fear whenever my weight was increasing was that others would notice or comment. Whatever intention there might be in pointing out weight gain, it will cause nothing but harm.
Please just don’t comment on anyone’s body
Any discussion around body size, even if you feel like you want to congratulate Cousin Colm on his weight loss, will be excruciating for anyone else struggling with body image. Plus, those comments that may be meant as complimentary might only serve to highlight to Cousin Colin that while he might look “great” now, there was a time that you thought his body was a problem that needed fixing. It’s a minefield – so please, steer clear. This includes talking about somebody who isn’t present. Commenting on how Mary up the road is the size of a house (or a mouse) instantly focuses the attention of every person present on their own body and what may be right or wrong with it.
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They’re worried about the space they take up
If you’re having a guest in your house, have you considered whether you have a suitable seating option for them? Sitting on a flimsy fold-out chair or something with spindly legs is an endurance test for a fat person, as they hold a squat for two hours, terrified to commit their whole weight to a piece of furniture not built to hold them. If you’re booking pubs or restaurants, your fat friend or family member would love if you would consider what seating options might be available. High stools are a no-no for some people, as are chairs with arms. Obviously you can’t please or accommodate everyone, but you can certainly keep it in mind.
Weight loss is not easy or straightforward
If you’re reading and find yourself thinking, “Why don’t these people just lose weight so they wouldn’t have these problems?“, I beg you to have compassion. The majority of fat people have tried everything, and I mean everything. They likely know more about losing weight than everyone else in the room. The concept of ”eat less, move more” is not a revelation to them; it is also not that simple.
They know medication exists
Your fat friend or family member is well aware of the advances in weight loss medication and a pointed discussion about the merits of Ozempic or Mounjaro will not be motivational or educational, it will be torturous. How do you know they’re not already on this medication? That the medication hasn’t worked for them? That they can’t afford the medication? That they simply don’t want to take it?
Keep the comments about food to how delicious it is
This is advice that benefits everyone. Everyone has at least one relative who looks at their plate and claims nobody could eat such a mountain of food, or shares a boring inventory of how much they’ve consumed and how they’re going to atone for it. This kind of policing around food intake just signals to your fat friend or family member that your greatest fear is ending up like them. For their sake, let the elephant in the room be Collette’s new toyboy or Uncle John’s tax avoidance. No wonder he always gave such good presents!
