‘My cousin nearly let slip what happens at the end of season two.’ ‘Did he, though?’ ‘No, thank God’

J P says he finally got around to watching the last ever episode of Breaking Bad last night and then he laughs in a way that would have to be described as, like, knowing.

I think it must be the best part of a decade since I had a conversation with a human being that didn’t, at some point, come around to the subject of TV box sets. I’m there, “Am I the only one who was actually, like, disappointed with the ending?”

And JP, Oisinn and Christian all suddenly roar at me, like I’m a wet dog at a white wedding. They’re like, “Nooo!!!”

I go, “What?”

JP’s there, “Christian hasn’t seen it yet.”

It’s always like this. Why do we spend so much time talking about box sets when all we really end up doing is communicating in clicks and focking whistles.

“Yeah, no,” Christian goes, “thanks for spoiling it for me, Ross.”

I’m like, “I didn’t spoil it. I just said I was disappointed.”

“Which means I’m going to be watching it with the knowledge that I’m possibly going to be underwhelmed by the ending.”

“Well, how far into it are you?”

"I haven't started it yet. I'm watching Deadwood at the moment. I'm three episodes into season two. Or maybe it's two episodes into season three."

"So it could be, like, six months before we're actually allowed to discuss Breaking Bad in public?"

"Longer. I promised Lauren we'd go back and watch the last two seasons of The Good Wife before we do the whole Breaking Bad thing. I've heard good things, though."

I just roll my eyes. Whose even round is it?

JP asks Christian what he thinks of Deadwood. Christian smiles and nods and goes, "It's definitely not what I expected. Especially that thing."

“What thing?”

"That thing?"

"Oh, that thing!"

“I know what you meant now.”

“I didn’t give it away, did I – by saying there was a thing?”

“Kind of.”

“Sorry.”

“Yeah, no, it’s fine. I still wasn’t expecting it when it happened. And I’m not going to say any more than that because I know that Oisinn hasn’t seen it yet.”

"Can I borrow it from you," Oisinn goes, "when you're finished? I need something because I've actually just finished Homeland."

Christian's like, "Actually, I keep meaning to get around to Homeland. Is it any good? Although don't answer that question."

“I won’t.”

"Yeah, no definitely don't, because it's on our list. But is it good? Again, don't say."

“I’m not going to say.”

“Good. Because I’m looking forward to it even more now.”

JP's like, "Is anyone watching The Newsroom, by the way?"

I’m like, “No, because whatever I’m watching, it always seems to be the wrong focking thing.”

He goes, "Er, why aren't you watching The Newsroom?"

I'm there, "Because you told me to watch Breaking Bad . It was while I was three episodes into series four of The Wire . You said, 'I can't believe you're still watching The Wire and you're not watching Breaking Bad. So I switched to Breaking Bad and now you're saying you can't believe that I'm not watching The Newsroom. And the very minute I stort watching The Newsroom, you'll say you can't believe I'm not watching some other focking thing."

Christian goes, "But you saw Homeland, didn't you?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I saw Homeland. "

“And what did you think of it– again, without actually saying, because some of us haven’t seen it.”

“I thought it was a complete waste of . . . ”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa – you’re creating an expectation again, Ross.”

I just shake my head. Like I said, clicks and whistles.

“I’ll tell you what’s also good,” JP goes.

Oisinn’s there, “Go on. You always know the good ones.”

"Battlestar Galactica. "

"Battlestar Galactica? Is that that space thing?"

“I’m not going to say. But it’s one you should definitely watch if you haven’t already.”

Christian nods. “I haven ’t seen it, but I’ve heard good things.”

JP’s like, “Good things? Nothing specific, I hope.”

“God, no.”

"Try not to hear anything specific. Because it would actually spoil it. The same thing nearly happened to me with House of Cards. "

“What?”

“My cousin nearly let slip what happens at the end of season two.”

“Did he, though?”

“No, thank God.”

"I actually saw House of Cards myself."

“What did you think of it?”

“I’m not saying a word.”

“Nor am I.”

“Good.”

Fionn arrives then and catches the tail end of the conversation. He's like, "What are you talking about? It wasn't Breaking Bad, was it?"

Oisinn’s like, “No, but we were earlier.”

“What did everyone think of the ending? Although don’t say.”

“We won’t.”

“Because I haven’t seen it. I’m going to get around to it. But do you know what I’ve just started rewatching?”

“What?”

"The Sopranos !"

We all smile and nod, like, approvingly, because everyone has seen The Sopranos and everyone loved it, even though I've no idea whether Tony got whacked at the end or not, while Meadow was outside trying to parallel pork the cor.

I’m there, “So is it still as good the second time around?”

JP goes, “Don’t say.”

Fionn goes, “I definitely won’t.”

JP's like, "Because I'm thinking of rewatching it myself – after I've finally watched Dexter."

“You’re in for a treat. Although I’m not going to tell you anything about it.”

“Definitely don’t.”