Testing Times

How many of you lovely people are waiting for driving tests? A fair dollop - according to the latest figures there are over 120,000 provos on the waiting list.

I'm one of them. It's been 37 weeks - and counting - since I applied. 250-odd days. And still no sign of that letter in the post offering me the opportunity to banish forever the ugly L-plates that so tarnish the funkiness of my motor.

Not to mention escaping from the clutches of avaricious insurance companies which prey on my lack of qualifications and the great adventures I'm going to have negotiating motorway traffic.

Why a 34-year-old motoring hack is still on a provisional licence is a long story. And I ain't gonna go into it here, for reasons of decency. Before the detractors get stuck in, remember our fine Minister for Transport was in the same boat up until recently. And you voted him in.

At least said Minister had to wait only five and a half months for his test. Not that I'd suggest for a moment that he skipped the queue. And what a queue it is.

The average waiting time for a driving test is 42.3 weeks. Which is bad enough. But spare a thought for the poor learners of Naas, where it's an astounding 66 weeks.

According to aul' Mr Brennan, the driver testing system is currently capable of holding 200,000 tests a year. If this is true, and there are only 120,000 on the waiting list, why does it take nearly a year to get tested? I'm baffled.

I'm no mathematician, but by my crude reckoning it will take seven months to process the provos we have at the moment, without even considering the thousands of new drivers who apply for tests each year. And that's assuming they all pass at the first attempt. Which, as we all know, they won't. In fact, barely half will.

So the reality is, even with all of the State's 52 test centres at full stretch and not resorting to sneakily lowering the standards required to pass for the sake of better figures, it's going to take at least 18 months to clear the backlog. And only if there's a freeze on new applications while they're doing it.

Which makes it all the more infuriating that some 15,000 loodramawns didn't even bother showing up for their tests in the past year. Another 6,500 gobdaws were turned away after failing to comply with the legal requirements for testing. What, were they too drunk to stand? Did they fail to mention they were 11-years-old? Did they arrive in a stolen car?

That's 21,500 wasted chances for the likes of me to strip ourselves of the ignominy of the L-plate. Were these people tracked down and summarily executed for wasting valuable time? I'll do it myself, if you're squeamish, Minister.

I have a cunning plan. You know the way if you hang around an airport long enough, you either get arrested or you get a cheap standby flight because someone's left their passport in a pub somewhere?

If there are 21,500 cancelled tests in the 300 days each year tests are held, that works out at one and a half per day in each of the 52 centres.

If you hang around a centre all day and pester the testers enough, surely they'll let you avail of an empty slot eventually. They're not wasting their time, you're skipping the queue, everyone wins. Even if you have to wait a couple of days, it's quicker than waiting 66 weeks, isn't it?

Knowing me, I'd pick the one centre where everyone shows up on time, every time. But that's my problem.

Try it out - even if it doesn't work, the sight of thousands of desperate people skulking purposefully outside test centres might shame the Government into some real action. Or maybe they'll just arrest you. Your call.