There are many lessons to learn from the Government's wishy washy response to last week's freeze, writes KILIAN DOYLE
MUCH HAS been made of the Government’s pitiful, tardy response to the recent snow and the resulting near anarchy. They’ve been slated with a fervour unbounded for everything from not gritting roads to allowing it to snow in the first place.
One man who got particular attention was Noel Dempsey, who was holidaying in Malta while chaos reigned at home.
True to form, he arrived back bristling at the charge that he’d gone AWOL. “I can honestly say sitting here that I can’t think of one other item that could have been done if I was in the country, that hasn’t been done over the last four or five days,” he said.
Well, Noel, that’s not strictly true, is it? You could have popped over to my house and shovelled the snow off my driveway instead of leaving me to do it myself. And me a martyr to the back. And when my car started sliding backwards down that hill last weekend, why weren’t you hiding in a hedge, waiting to hop out and stop it?
I don’t think I’m being unrealistic here. I’m a taxpayer. I know my rights. It’s the least I could expect. Isn’t it? They don’t honestly expect us citizens to knuckle down and get on with fending for ourselves with nobody to hold our hands, do they?
Facetiousness aside, Dempsey’s comments raise an interesting point. Is he effectively saying his position is surplus to requirements and the country can motor on happily without him?
Rash talk in times of swingeing cutbacks. He’d be well advised not to be putting thoughts like that in certain people’s heads or he may soon find himself with all the time in the world to enjoy lovely Malta.
Anyway, the whole sloppy episode goes to show how pitifully we as a country are prepared for such eventualities. Which is where I come in.
Those long, dark days that I spent holed up in my snowbound hovel have not been wasted. I have come up with a few novel solutions to smooth things along the next time.
The Government should employ hordes of people to cover all cars in giant sheets of bubblewrap at the first sign of snow. As everyone is only driving at 10km/h, this will afford ample protection in the event of crashes. It could be repurposed when not in use to protect pedestrians who go belly-up on pavements.
They should pass a law obliging car manufacturers to install a button on dashboards which, when depressed, will shoot teeny spikes out of one’s tyres to aid grip. Huge skewers jutting from the rear of every car to deter tailgaters would be a nice touch, but I can’t see them going for it.
The pub smoking ban should be expanded to include urination in times of crisis. If they forced everyone out on pavements to empty their bladders, the streets would be clear of ice in a jiffy. What’s more, the alcohol in this human anti-freeze would prevent them icing over again.
Actually, now that I think about it, the above suggestions are by and large daft. They are but micro solutions to a macro problem. In times like these, I should be focusing on the bigger picture.
With that in mind, my solution to end all winter misery for decades to come is to erect mile-high tentpoles in Waterford, on the Giant’s Causeway, at Bloody Foreland and just outside Cahirciveen. At the first sign of snow, we could fling a huge tarpaulin over them to create a magnificent umbrella-like precipitation deflector. Genius, no?
Of course, there is the small issue of it blowing away. Which is why we could employ Martin Cullen, Peter Robinson, Mary Coughlan and John O’Donogue to hold down the corners. It’ll be no bother to them. The huge weight of their collective failures is more than enough ballast to tame any ill wind.