Q: I met a guy I liked once for a sort-of date and I thought it had possibilities – we work in the same company. We had lunch locally.
In the loo later, I spoke to a friend, and I said my date was not very good looking, but he had a good personality. A friend of his was in a cubicle and she told him what I said – and I think she said a version of it that was even less flattering than I had meant. He is now totally blocking me, and I feel this is unfair.
I think that a guy (which I’m not, of course) would not feel bad when he is told he is not that attractive – I don’t think they care about that stuff. However, the situation is making it very difficult at work, with lots of gossip going around – and I feel hard done by. I’m not sure it would ever have come to anything, even if this never happened, but I am angry at the other woman and I feel my reputation has taken a hit.
I have decided to blank him also, and we have not had any conversation since the incident. As for the gossip girl, she is enjoying rolling her eyes and pointing out at me whenever we are in a big meeting. I feel as if this will never stop and I will always be that girl who said unflattering things – what if the other guys blank me too?
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
I thought actually going into work would be the best fun ever (I was working remotely for a long time), but it is turning out to be a nightmare.
A: This type of situation happens to all of us at some stage – we inadvertently get found out saying something that we would not like the target of our conversation to hear. Sometimes we text a message about someone to that exact someone by mistake, or we get caught out like you did, are overheard, and the story travels.
We know that we should not have said that exact thing, and when we are found out the best action is to own it and apologise. We talk ourselves out of the apology as we often try to justify it (as you did by suggesting guys should not care about looks), but nonetheless an apology is the right move. The earlier we say it, the better chance we have that it will be accepted – but of course it is hard to do this.
If you know that you should not have said that thing, then a simple apology is called for, and then you move past it. The receiver of the apology may not accept it, or even deride you for your effort, but that is up to them – all you can do is take responsibility and do what you can to rectify the situation.
‘Perhaps you might take a look at your idea that guys do not care if they are not considered good looking. This implies that they are not sensitive to being judged, compared or dismissed’
Most of us have had the experience of making a complaint (in a restaurant or about a bill, etc), and if the complaint is dealt with well, it often makes us feel more approving of the service and can improve our relationship with those involved. Therefore, if we take ownership of the complaint (about us) then there is some possibility that dealing with it can improve the relationship. All this depends on the interaction being authentic and honest and not over-done, ie keep it simple.
Your working environment is hugely important for keeping you happy and valued, so this is worth investing in. It is so easy for slights to develop into deep rifts, and letting this situation develop is not going to be good for you. You say your current plan is to blank the guy and avoid his friend, but the only guaranteed outcome then is that you will suffer from being isolated and gossiped about. Be courageous, and approach your colleagues with openness. If this does not work, you might try to get an intermediary to help by planting the idea that you really want to make amends and get a good working relationship going with both the guy and his friend.
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Perhaps you might also take a look at your idea that guys do not care if they are not considered good looking. This implies that they are not sensitive to being judged, compared or dismissed – and this is just not true. Like all human beings, guys thrive on being thought attractive and desirable, so you might consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed. It hurts, and it sounds as though this was not your intention at all, in fact you wanted to focus on the good personality.
Your true intentions cannot be received if you are not heard, so take every opportunity to connect and persevere as it might take some time and effort to heal the rift. If you make this effort to connect with the guy, it should improve your chances of being accepted by his friend, but this may be harder as she has been spreading unkind things about you. Being resentful will only prolong the situation, so work on letting it go and take every opportunity to be yourself around her.
At the very least, others should see your intentions and this should result in increasing your social circle at work, and this would be a very good thing.
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